I got married at 23, I just turned 24 a few months ago. I'm in the process of divorcing my exh after living together for 2 months by his request. No therapy, no attempt to save anything, basically blamed me for everything. Looking back he never made a lot of effort in the relationship, and he was terribly stingy. I had really low self-steem at the time so now it's a pretty mutual decision. I think I'm mostly over the whole thing thanks to FDS.

As a result of this, my standards got way higher which it's great. I would rather be single forever than marrying the wrong man again. My health, focus and future are way more important.

The thing is, now I'm afraid of living with a husband again. I don't know how a healthy relationship looks like since my experience have been with neglectful and avoidant men, which makes me feel anxious and not really proud of myself every time. My father is the opposite of this (he worries about my mom and I and takes care of us) so I'm not sure why I picked and belittle myself for those men.

I had a bad experience meeting someone I considered a potential date, nothing bad because I never got attached but once he thought I liked him back he started being disrespectful to me so I ended it, which furthers make me think I will never love someone again. Other men have been too sexual and crass without knowing me or way too clingy. Others tried to make me agree on things without even being friends. I ghosted these people.

I have the opportunity of being gifted a place in 3 years. So I will fulfill my goal of having my dream house with furniture and renovations of my choice. I'm working hard at saving for this and I'm really excited.

But I feel sad that I won't probably experience the joy of picking stuff and moving in with someone I love in the future, and instead feel dread of losing myself and fear of being taken for granted and abandoned again even if things are fine before that. Is this something that will fade away?