Hey,

After about 2 months of sleep deprivation (3-4 hours of sleep a night), I’m making a conscious effort to get 8-8.5 hours of sleep a night; I rarely get there (more often 6-6.5 hours of sleep a night), but I got 9 hours of sleep on Monday night & 5 hours of sleep last night. Anyway, I’ve noticed that every morning last weekend, I’ve woken up feeling totally defeated in life & wanting to kill myself (this didn’t happen during the weekdays though). I’ve been having crying spells & panic attacks ever since Friday at the slightest mistake that I make. For example, on Friday I had a day at work where my manager basically rode me throughout the second half of the day & I cried in the car for 15 minutes after work before I started driving home. On Monday after breaking my windshield wiper & not being able to work as a result (no spare wipers, didn’t know how to install a windshield wiper on my own, I was worried I’d mess up the instructions on the Internet & damage my car so I didn’t do it), I cried for an hour straight. Today I tried to help my parents dig out from a snow/ice storm, & my mom chewed me out & threatened to take away the car because she didn’t like the way I was trying to get ice off of it. And I broke the windshield wiper on the other side of the car while trying to scrape ice off of the blade.

I’ve also been noticing that I feel like the world would be better off without me, that I’m worthless, that my family would be happier & better off without me, that nobody cares about me, that the world wants to see me suffer & is laughing at me as everyone watches me failing at life, etc.

I’ve noticed that now I cry at the slightest emotional provocation. I’ve also repressed my feelings for over 10 years to look cool. It takes me 2-3 hours to sort of “recover” from the guilt of making a mistake during my day.

Also, my circadian rhythm is all over the place. One day, I’ll go to sleep at 9 PM nice & easy & sleep all night; the next day, I’ll crash at 8 PM, wake up in the middle of the night, stay up until 3-4 AM, & fall asleep for about 4 hours after that (but struggle to fall asleep).

It also doesn’t help that I’ve been unable to lift or really get out of the house because the weather’s been absolutely wicked lately (constant snow & ice storms where I’m at).

How do I stop this from happening? Is this a product of my sleep deprivation that will go away? How do I get myself back up to stable & healthy?