My husband cheated on me and I can't get past it. I'm interested in your opinions on the situation.

1Pink1Stink · 2017-03-30T18:43:28+00:00

You have to understand that men and women cheat for different reasons. Yes, he might be happy but he's also a man and sex is fun.

He didn't cheat to hurt you, he cheated because he wanted to have sex. simple as that.

That being said, he does not sound like a good partner to me. He's got insecurity issues and is very irresponsible. He blew 500 bucks at a casino and then 300 more on a hooker? This is not how a man should handle his issues.

I know you love him and I know his cheating did not affect his love for you. But to be honest, if you forgive him and stay with him, he will not change. This is who he is and who he was with past exes. Don't be foolish and think that he'll change for you. If you stay with him, you better be ready to deal with his shit when he fucks up again, because he will. I guarentee it.

Deathrial · 2017-03-30T18:28:47+00:00

What's a frenulum?

ReddJive · 2017-03-30T19:15:41+00:00

The first part is that this is a place for men. Most guys come here are at rock bottom of their lives, or nearing it. They realize that something is wrong and that it needs to be corrected. It's about facing your ego and that you are not special that you can change and that you are just in your way.

Now. you. I find it hard to believe that a guy getting all the sex he wants, the way he wants it and a woman that is DTF is going to suddenly go cheat. But that's just me. I am not a plate 5 girls kind of guy. I do sense that there are things being omitted here. But....not my circus. not my monkeys.

I could go on about the possibilities. Try suss out what's in his mind, but....no. I have no facts here.

After your wall of text. My simple rambling here the decision is simple.

Either you get over it or you don't. If you can't then there is only one step for you to do.

Anything you ask him to do things to make him earn his way back in but that is going to put him in a beta position. Maybe you want that. Maybe you want him to supplicate himself to you from now on. where's that going to go though? He will spiral. No longer a man.

Still using our parlance this isn't about him. This is about you. You can't control him. What do you want?

GreenPiller · 2017-03-30T19:12:35+00:00

You should post this on married red pill for better advice

Scrubpuppy · 2017-03-30T18:38:53+00:00

Well, he's got a lot of self esteem issues, and he kinda sounds like a dirtbag.

He got into an LTR at 23 so he probably thinks he should be playing the field now. Except apparently he's so clueless with women he had to get a hooker.

I'd say get a divorce because he cheated on you and he'll probably do it again. Maybe he'll go through a period of reformation, but probably not.

RPAlternate42 · 2017-03-30T19:46:47+00:00

This is a simple binary decision: you stay or you go.

If you stay:

You decide that what he did was forgivable. you may tell him that you will leave if it happens again. You may tell him this only once. You never speak of the incident or the second chance again. Staying means you are staying... not staying while I dangle this issue over your head as a reminder.

If he does it again, you pack, you leave, you file for divorce. I would take the kid too because he sounds pretty irresponsible. You gave the second chance, he blew it, you leave; he knew the consequences: he is a man, not a child and you are not his mommy.

If you go:

You decide that it was not forgivable. You pack, you leave, you file for divorce. You take the kid too, because he an irresponsible man-child who can barely collect up his own life let alone that of a dependent.

You say nothing outside of logistical child-rearing communication that is all business.

You need to ignore the idea of the sunk-cost fallacy and realize that you are still young.

Understand that you leaving means you are a single mother and your value in the sexual market place is low for relationship end games.

Only you can decide what makes you happy. If he does, you stay. If he doesn't, you leave. Decide if he makes you happy and adds value to you.

[deleted] · 2017-03-30T19:58:49+00:00

He told me he ripped his frenulum

I just want to note that this shit hurts like fucking hell. I had this happen in my early-mid 20s once, and I was about ready to just kill myself rather than deal with trying to fuck my girlfriend at the time.

I can't stop thinking wtf wasn't good enough about me??

The answer to your question is that it has absolutely nothing to do with you whatsoever.

To paraphrase Patrice O'Neal, think about what cheating is. Cheating is a man sneaking out to go get some happiness so that he doesn't hurt your feelings.

If the situation were reversed

But the situation is not reversed, you are not a man, he is not a woman, you are not his husband, and he is not your wife. "If the situation were reversed" is completely irrelevant.

But he is a good man, I love him with my whole heart and I believe he loves me that way as well.

It's good that all of this is the case. Those are plenty of reasons to work on figuring out your emotions and continuing to have a great marriage.

Also what do you think HE should or could do to rectify this?

He should continue being a good man, which he seems to have been doing for the most part outside of blowing money at the casino. There's nothing else he should do to "rectify" this.

Leave him if you want to, or stay with him and completely forgive him and move on with your life and your relationship if you want to, but those are your only two options if you want to be happy.

Kommanderdude · 2017-03-30T19:02:17+00:00

Idk. Sounds like you aren't as attractive and good of a wife as you think. He must be going through some hell in his home life to pay a woman 300 to fuck him.

Deathrial · 2017-03-30T19:01:28+00:00

Me and my wife (does having a wife mean I did or didn't swallow the red pill? Not being rude, this sub kinda confuses me!) talked about cheating and we both figured heat of the moment is a bit different than other forms of cheating. As in, I got drunk at an away conference and banged the sales rep vs. I went out of my way to cheat. The deal breaker for me is that you were available and he still went out of his way to go somewhere else. I would leave him. Plus, blowing $500 gambling when you are broke isn't all that manly, which I believe u/1pink1stink covered.

Autonomy_Economy · Thu Mar 30 18:30:42 2017 UTC

Sounds like he isn't happy with the man he is. Has he swallowed TRP?

quicklogaccount · 2017-03-30T19:05:29+00:00

Ok, long story short. Your husband feels emasculated, probably for the issues his surgery might have caused him.
His solution to get his confidence back was acting "in control". It's hard rooted there.
So, maybe he can get that fixed. Otherwise it's bound to repeat.

BUT another thing pops in mind. BPD. Watch out for that one. It's not as common in men but still, he displayed two self destructive behaviors.

savagedealer · 2017-03-30T19:16:04+00:00

Pretty obvious what happened here ... he's a selfish prick and you were in control of the relationship by always agreeing with him through all the good and bad . The guy didn't stand a fucken chance . You literally are loving him to death . I recommend you start here

https://youtu.be/Ffey8mSXLcM

Good luck sis the journey will be long and hard and whatever you decide to do I hope you find peace

PM_ME_UR_RP_T_AWAY · 2017-03-30T19:45:15+00:00

So where was he when he cheated? Was he unable to get to you? Is he still insecure about his frenulum? When was the last time he had sex before? Was he drunk?

If it was just the once, I would say he was probably just horny as hell, which is bad that he cheated but not even close to the same thing as actively planning to cheat. But from what you say about his tinder account, and the fact that he used a hooker, I'll bet he is desperate for validation.

Tinder isn't actually a good or reliable source for hookups anymore. So if he is bothering with it at all, even though he has tons of free time (I assume being alone in another city) he is addicted to the easy validation of getting matched.

As far as hookers go, they are good at making you feel good about yourself. Yea you're paying them for sex, but a lot of them are selling a lie that if sex wasn't their job they would love to be with you anyway.

He was hurt a long time ago, and it's not fair to you that that is still affecting your relationship in such an extreme way. But I bet that the reason he is cheating in that way is because he is still insecure.

Assuming that is the case, you are still unfortunate. If he can't get help from a professional (if that will even work for him, therapy isn't for everyone, and not every therapist is equal) I don't see him mustering the self control to stop.

I don't know what you want from him, you don't know what you want from him now. But if you choose to stay, he needs to try counseling, and it needs to be his decision.

I feel like being in an ltr is the last thing he needs right now though, because if it is his insecurity pushing him to seek out women, than you are only a hindrance to his healing.

Tl:dr- Either end things with him, better for the both of you in the long run I believe. Or gently talk with him about going to a therapist over why he feels his cheating is necessary. Assuming he is simply insecure.

Should he turn out to be simply unloyal by nature, you won't change him. Nor would you respect him if you did. And the bet course of action is to end things with him.

traveldeedee · 2017-03-30T19:49:11+00:00

I stopped when I read "non-existing sex-drive". It's incredibly unusual on a man, especially given that you're attractive. He might be either gay or have some hormone problems.

casdd · 2017-04-06T14:26:56+00:00

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hesoshy · 2017-03-30T18:26:11+00:00

He doesn't love you, you are nothing more than property.

Title	My husband cheated on me and I can't get past it. I'm interested in your opinions on the situation.
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	10
Comments	37
Date	March 30, 2017 6:24 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/62fsh3/my_husband_cheated_on_me_and_i_cant_get_past_it/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/my-husband-cheated-on-me-and-i-cant-get-past-it-im.216185 https://theredarchive.com/post/216185

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If you stay:

If you go: