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Brother Issues

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adam9545
June 22, 2019
93 upvotes
askTRP

My identical twin brother age 21 for reference lives with me in a 2 bedroom apt. He doesn't work, collects employment assistance, smokes weed, and plays games 7 days a week.

I have completely immersed myself in TRP a while ago selling my gaming PC to get a laptop for work, reading theory and philosophy, and breaking up with my overweight LTR of 4 years.

The problem is this guy literally hasn't done laundry in 3 months, eats my food I buy for myself, refuses to do any dishes, sleeps in until 4pm.. the list goes on.

I would just kick him out to my parents, but the problem is they don't live in the same province as me, and he has nowhere to go. I cant just kick him out to the streets he is my brother, but he is hindering not only my personal success, but my success with women as I cant bring them back to a shit hole with a sloth of a brother hanging around.

I have tried everything to get him motivated, but he gets "anxiety attacks" when he works, and will just sleep instead of clean. There is no amount of anger in the world that will get this guy moving.

Any advice on how to handle this situation would be appreciated. (On mobile format is probably shit)


Post Information
Title Brother Issues
Author adam9545
Upvotes 93
Comments 65
Date 22 June 2019 04:58 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit askTRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/243046
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/c3s20t/brother_issues/
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Comments

[–]Endorsed Contributorvandaalen129 points130 points  (20 children) | Copy

I would just kick him out to my parents, but the problem is they don't live in the same province as me, and he has nowhere to go.

How is that your problem?

The answer why he doesn't change is very easy: There is no need for him to change his situation. In Germany we have the word "Leidensdruck", which literally translates to "suffering pressure", meaning the degree of stress that is put on you. Unless it's high enough, people do not need a reason to change.

It's the same with junkies. They will not go for rehab unless there literally is no other option left for them.

If you want to help him become a better person, you put the necessary pressure on him by forcing him to make a change for himself.

Tell him he's got one hour to do the dishes, one day to do the laundry, one week to start applying for jobs and one month to show some true effort to change his situation and that if he fails at any of those you will kick him out.

Then go through with it. Yes. You kick him out if he doesn't do the dishes within one hour. Remember you are doing it for him.

[–]adam9545[S] 32 points33 points  (17 children) | Copy

I should have mentioned it in the post, but we are both on the lease. In Canada renters rights are completely fucked and even if he is some despot I don't believe I can legally throw him out.

[–]Irtotallynotrobot53 points54 points  (0 children) | Copy

Can you break the lease and move out? It may be inconvenient for you but you really only have control over yourself here. I would give him 30-90 day notice since he is family.

[–]Endorsed Contributorvandaalen36 points37 points  (14 children) | Copy

get a new flat. don't inform him until you have it save.

[–]adam9545[S] 38 points39 points  (12 children) | Copy

You're right. Maybe I should dig into my savings and pay my rent off for the year and get a new appt. At this point I would rather be broke and free than held back.

[–]Endorsed Contributorvandaalen10 points11 points  (11 children) | Copy

I should dig into my savings and pay my rent off for the year

why not just move out?

[–]adam9545[S] 7 points8 points  (10 children) | Copy

I'm obligated to pay a portion of the rent, I'm half on the lease. He could take me to court.

[–]Endorsed Contributorvandaalen52 points53 points  (2 children) | Copy

Let it come to it. Do you really think a guy who can't even wash his socks is able to take you to court? LOL.

[–]PimPedOutGeese17 points18 points  (0 children) | Copy

I don't think his concern is his brother taking him to court or shit maybe it is...

But the landlord can and will.

It doesnt matter how much brother does or doesn't pay they are both on the hook as soon as the ink dries.

From a convenience standpoint who cares? Move the fuck out.

From a credit and financial situation..... Might not be the best idea.

[–]blissfullyaware0011 points12 points  (0 children) | Copy

For one, no landlord is taking you to court, it's so much dammed work, they will just want you gone so they can find new tenants. Trust me I've been there with renters. However, I think it's more logical that you just straight up tell your brother and your parents you found a new place and are keen to live alone. Give your bro a months notice, be cordial, and leave. He can either find a new roommate or pack his shit.

[–]munchrocket2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

You can always talk to a landlord and try to figure something out. I've seen it numerous times how people moved out from their leased apartments halfway through the lease. Landlords are people too and taking someone through court can be a pain in the ass. Especially if you come to negotiate in good will. There should be no issue if you can find someone to take over the lease.

​

Aaaaand your brother needs professional help. Period. It shouldnt be your problem.

[–]viral_left_stroke4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

For sure. My Canadian landlord even told us we could give notice and he'd let us break the lease as soon as he had new renters lined up.

[–]Flintblood1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

You should take him to court since he obviously isn’t paying. Report him for drugs and maybe mental health help.

[–]ScratchinCommander 1 points [recovered]  (2 children) | Copy

in this case i'd assume responsibility for having moved in with your brother (i'm assuming he's been like that for a while, probably since before you moved in together)... so pay what's left on your half of the lease and go find a new place. your new place may be a bit cheaper until you can recover that expense, but you'll be better off.
can you just rent the new place and keep paying the old one?

[–]LoneStarG842 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

so pay what's left on your half of the lease

If they're both on the lease, isn't OP responsible for the full lease if the brother doesn't pay?

[–]thesnowman176 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

So just so u know, in Ontario, Canada u can end ur tenancy with 60 days notice. If u give notice to both ur brother and ur landlord in 2 months u are free to do whatever u want and ur bro has to deal with it.

If u don’t live in Ontario, it’s still probably very similar, and if u tell me which province i can probably find out for u.

That’s also a good amount of time to give ur brother to get his shit together and wrap his head around the fact that he needs to grow up.

[–]Rkingpin7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy

Comments like these just go to show how much wisdom is in this place

[–]jackandjill222 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Interesting points all around.

[–]NotAJoKe100219 points20 points  (0 children) | Copy

my mom kicked out my older brother when he was 19 for smoking weed and doing drugs and now he is 42 has a decent job and has 2 kids and a wife as well as a home. It's called tough love mate.

[–]AceMav2117 points18 points  (1 child) | Copy

Some girls will fuck in an outhouse you can still bring bitches over just damn him to the masturbation cave with his video games & porn. Then tell her yeah I genetics ain’t everything.

[–]adam9545[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children) | Copy

I'm not the best looking mofo definitely below average in the face Dept. so yeah genetics aren't everything. I have to atleast have a clean place and a good environment to make up for it lol.

[–]FinancialFeed 1 points [recovered]  (3 children) | Copy

He’s taking advantage of you, fuck him. Kick his out. It’s honestly not your responsibility to take care of him he is an adult.

[–]adam9545[S] 14 points15 points  (2 children) | Copy

Honest words just hurts to do this to family. Especially my twin, but it's my responsibility in the end.

[–]RP_COGuy14 points15 points  (1 child) | Copy

Your responsibility is to yourself and only yourself. He is responsible for himself. Right now, you're enabling his bad behavior by letting him get away with it. If you want him to eventually learn to be a productive adult, you'll need to kick him in the ass figuratively. You probably need to kick his ass out and cut him off. Offer him a train or plane ticket to your parents town. As long as he continues to stay with you, he will think he can get away with sitting around all day and mooching off you. The only way to really break that dependence is to cut it off clean.

[–]adam9545[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children) | Copy

Never thought of a train ticket! I can get a one way for only $150. That seems like the best and cheapest option to get his ass out of here. Not like he could afford to come back.

[–]thy_shall_win8 points9 points  (5 children) | Copy

Weird that you are twins but have taken completely different paths. Why do you think that is the case? Maybe that's what he's missing?

[–]adam9545[S] 9 points10 points  (4 children) | Copy

He smokes a ridiculous amount of weed, and not just joints I mean this guy smokes like Action Bronson. Dab oil, distillate and shit. He also went to a doctor and got diagnosed with BPD and other shit which I'm sure is a result of smoking that much.

[–]1rad_dynamic8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy

Whatever it is, looks like serious mental health issues. Get your brother some god damn help, from a professional. CBT I've heard is great numerous times. If not there will come a time where you will have choose to leave your brother behind in the dust or stick with family.

Another thing that is great for mental health is going to to the gym. Invite him to come with you. Do chest(a man's favourite body type in the gym) and biceps(for the pump) and he should become addicted. Say well done after the workout. If he starts going to the gym he'll have a reason to start eating healthier, doing his own cooking etc.

[–]NiveusT4 points5 points  (2 children) | Copy

How is he affording weed with no job? Is it prescription and paid for by the govt or something?

[–]adam9545[S] 5 points6 points  (1 child) | Copy

Yeah he is paid by the government

[–]rambler4297 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy

There are no negative consequences for him for his bad behavior.

Until there are, there is absolutely no reason for him to change, and expecting him to is pipe dreaming.

[–]adam9545[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

Exactly. If there is no motivation to change then why change? Soon he will have a very rude awakening

[–]legaxo2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Sometimes people need to be thrown out into the war zone to get their shit together. I think forcing him to get it together would be the best thing you could do for him.

[–]jtzabor0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

came here to say this same thing. works some of the time.

[–]lossescollector3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

You said he has anxiety. If this is true then this can be very serious. It isn't your responsibility to fix it but please don't make light of mental issues, they can be very debilitating.

[–]adam9545[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I tried to be the understanding brother. I was taken advantage of, and I am at the point where I can no longer tolerate his issues. Mental issues can be debilitating, but it's like trying to save a drowning person.. they will do whatever they can to float.

[–]Mild1111 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Be an equal/opposite inconvenience on his life. Padlock your room and the refrigerator. Take the internet modem with you when you leave. Every time he falls asleep, play semi-loud country music (or hip hop if he likes country) Be the worst roommate he could ever want. Don't be shy or passive aggressive about it either. Be very upfront that his behavior will dictate yours.

[–]adam9545[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Lol loud country music. I'll be very frank with him tonight. Clean up his act or I'll be his worst nightmare. I'll fuck gutter hoes on the couch at all hours if it's what it takes.

[–]marcus8crassus1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I’m sorry to hear of your troubles. Based off of prior responses, it’s clear what you need to do. I would suggest having a heart to heart with him and when you do, talk briefly about your journey and how his actions have affected you. Instead of belaboring every point, describe the main ones, and write it all out in word or something. Then print it, put it in an envelope and give it to him.

If this doesn’t result in a change in his behavior, you will move out after the lease. Don’t tell him this though, he will intuitively understand it. You might be surprised, as desperate as things feel you just might see a change in him worth sticking around for.

[–]EvelynnSpoiler1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Bioenergetics. Elliott Hulse talks a lot about it. This might seem a bit extreme, but it is what he needs. He's taking himself out of reality every day and is probably depersonalized. He needs to release his trauma energy and all that shit that has built up inside him.

Julien from RSD now teaches a programme called Transformation Mastery, and a key part of this is releasing trauma energy through exercises that involve rigorous movemen and shouting. Think of it as metaphorically cleansing your Sins. I'd suggest you give it a go too.

You need to convince him that he needs to cry. I'd advise he did it while you're not in the house. He needs to get this shit out of his system, otherwise he will spend the rest of his life doing nothing and feeling emotionally numb.

He might find it difficult to cry - especially when feeling numb. The best way Elliott found to get yourself to cry is to sit in front of a mirror and just ask yourself and repeat "Why?".

The results are similar to psychedelic therapy, minus the substances. It works. The poor guy needs to get all this fucking shit out of his system first otherwise he won't be receptive to your help.

My experience is that I've been there. Doing the exact same thing. In fact I'm only breaking out of it myself again and crying fucking works.

[–]waste2muchtime1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

When the lease is over, tell him you're thinking of moving and getting a studio, thinking of starting a family and whatever.

Then go do your own thing. That way you force him to get his act together without hurting him.

[–]Krsna1083 points4 points  (3 children) | Copy

Move into a smaller apartment , and rent one for him too. Close but not next to Each-other. Once on his own he value start Improving

[–]adam9545[S] 3 points4 points  (2 children) | Copy

Seems easy enough, but I have wasted enough money on this guy. He would just leech of the free rent like he is now.

[–]3beed0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

If he’s not paying his share of the rent and his name is on the lease the landlord can kick him out and you can get a new roommate ?? Or am i wrong ?? I don’t know your country laws to be honest

[–]adam9545[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Canada's renters laws are bullshit. You can basically squat here.

[–]cpotpie12 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

Treat him like a kid, because he's acting like one.

​

When I was a kid, I would get in trouble and my mom and take my playstation controllers. Not the system, THE CONTROLLERS. It was mental torture looking at the playstation but not being able to play it. (I had a job, and little did she know, I went out and bought an extra controller she didn't know about.)

​

Let's say he has the livingroom dirty. Start by taking all his shit and putting it in plastic bags. If he wants his shit back, you make him work for it. "Want the playstation controller back? Wash the dishes for a week". You may need to change the locks on your bedroom door so you can lock it and he can't get in your room to get his shit. Make him work for his shit back.

​

I would say only give the important shit back when he has fulfilled major criteria. For example, let's say he wants his playstation back, make sure he has a job.

​

Treat him like you would any other child. Put your foot down, be a fucking man, and mean it.

[–]adam9545[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

You're right my house my rules. If he wants to play games and use my resources like a kid then I will treat him like one.

We grew up with a single mom so I suppose the behaviour is a byproduct of that.

[–]cpotpie11 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Definitely not a byproduct of a single mom, look at yourself. You're actually fucking responsible.

​

I also grew up with a single mom, and I'm responsible. (Although we found TRP so maybe that changed something.)

​

If you're paying all of the rent, then as far as anyone is concerned, it's your house

[–]adam9545[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I found TRP because of a bluepill relationship I was in. Maybe some trauma of his own (being thrown out) will help him discover himself.

They say you have to hit rock bottom before you can climb to the top.

[–]pebblefromwell0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Move to your own place

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I mean if it’s your home, it should be your rules. What I would do is take his desktop and weed with me when I am not home to my car, if he gets angry then he has to deal with it by cleaning or he can leave

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

any episode of the ultimate fighter comes to mind

piss or cum on your food, then we eats it show him pics and tell him you like your food like that and have done it for years

he wont eat your food anymore

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

The only type of sibling I would never want is an identical twin

[–]LifeIsAdreamGoLucid0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Fuck man! Your bro has set himself up for the perfect life, from his perspective that is. He definitely wont change a thing when hes living in a stoner's paradise.

Honestly as a former stoner, he would be able to adapt and accept what ever shit you throw at him regarding things at home. Plus having all that bad energy between you would just be a drag.

Looks like eventually moving out by yourself or shipping him to mar and pa`s is the best options. Good luck dude.

[–]adam9545[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

The way you put it as a stoners paradise is the truest thing someone's said. He fucking evolves into new levels of laziness everytime I try to motivate him. I'll ship him off to the farm with my mom lol he won't be smoking up there.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

To the curb. Hard times produce good men. Good men make good times. Good times make weak men and weak men make hard times. Send him out the door and he will hate you but eventually realize hes being a douche. And if he doesnt you dont need a leetch like that in your life. Better yet move out. He cant control what you do. Just leave and let him deal with it.

[–]SauliusTRP0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Move out yourself without him, if you can’t kick him.

[–]uptimex0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Brother Jesus

[–]MCA_T0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I was once your brother (well same lifestyle and excuses) but eventually my family couldn't support me and it was either starve or sort my shit out, believe me i sorted my shit out, no longer have anxiety/attacks, no longer smoke weed(all day) got my security license and working towards CCTV and working part time, Give him an ultimatum tell him if he doesn't carry his weight around the house and get a job/go college/uni or sort his shit out you'll kick him out and report him to unemployment say hes just spending all his money on weed and games and not looking for work.

as bad as it sounds he didn't care when he was putting you in a bad situation and using up all your resources and energy, if you do not do this he will never learn and you will have to put up with it for the rest of your life. believe me my dads done it with my mother for the last 15 years

[–]caralto0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

why not fuck the girl at her place? just saying. esp if you not yet willing to nuke your bro.

[–]flapjacksrbetter0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Identical as you guys look exactly alike? Absolutely at the ends of two spectrums

[–]adam9545[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

It's ironic we ere even different in looks now. I'm jacked, and he has the beanpole skinnyfat look.

[–]xoxuv0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Just move. He can go back to your parents, or fix his own life. Is his choice. If he chooses to be fucked, is his choice, not yours.

You are not responsible for him, and he is taxing you with more than money and annoyances. He's consuming the only limited resource you have in life: time.

Your time lost, not advancing your life, will never be recovered. Nobody is going to repair it, nobody is ever going to compensate you for it.

[–]HastTagLavishLust-1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy

You sound like you assumed the role of a beta and he assumed the role of a manipulative female. I advise you treat the relationship as such.

"Clean the dishes right now or you're sleeping under the patio tonight. And give me a blowjob after you are done."

The key is to follow up with your threats.

[–]adam9545[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

If I can't get him to do laundry I highly doubt I'll be getting my dick sucked.



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