How do I stop making passive aggressive comments toward my boyfriend that I love?

misionariaprotectiva · 2019-07-12T19:08:22+00:00

The title of this post is misleading. Your problem here isn’t ‘making jabs’ at him. It seems like a lack of respect stemming from basic incompatibility.

You say you love him, but you have an absolute laundry list of reasons you’ve grown apart and don’t get along.

I think unless there are other circumstances you didn’t include, you should see other people.

throw_a_balll · 2019-07-12T20:00:27+00:00

Sounds like you’re starting to really become incompatible with him. You’re changing and he’s not. You should have a good, in depth talk with him about both of your lifestyles, and where you see yourselves in the future.

Word on the street is that people don’t change unless something major happens, and they themselves feel the NEED to change. Your bf seems comfortable with his current situation so either you need to compromise/adapt, or leave. Obviously it’s not that easy to leave when there’s no huge problems, but that may arise in the future.

Have a serious talk with him.

HB3234 · 2019-07-12T21:57:58+00:00

The reason he isn't interested in the things you want to share with him is because you've repeatedly shown him that you aren't just uninterested in his passions, you also actively dislike them. He used to listen and take an active interest in you because you did the same for him. You are the one that broke that chain of reciprocity and interest, not him.

He likes video games and your response is to tell him via a thinly veiled story that video games ruin lives and relationships. Of course he is struggling to pretend he cares about your hobbies when you belittle his! His resentment is blocking him from being able to be warm and engaged and interested.

You're also unhappy with his body and make it pretty well known. You may think you're being subtle or tactful but you aren't. If a man doesn't feel respected, admired amd accepted, he doesn't feel fulfilled. Who could have a libido around someone who thinks they are unattractive? Who could desire a woman who has stated she's not attracted to them?

I'm not saying he doesn't have his flaws, but you can't change him. He doesn't want to change. He likes his hobbies. He likes his comfort more than he wants to lose weight. So you can take it or leave it, only.

But so long as you allow him to provide you a place to stay, I think you need to be cultivating respect for him, as he is. Or you should move out. At this point he sounds like a classic beta bux provider that you're getting as much benefit from as you can before you swing to a new partner.

LadySylwia · 2019-07-12T22:39:07+00:00

This is really familiar. This sounds like my first boyfriend (we were together for 5 years).

Here's what's wrong:

I was super excited to show him a new hold I learned in class and he responded with "Yeah, I really don't care." Then he back pedaled and said that it was because it was a violent activity

There is nothing wrong with learning and using force for self-defense. Your man is repressing part of himself in an attempt to be "ethical" because his basic sense of morality is skewed. He may have grown up in an abusive home like my ex or at least one with no positive male role models.

Working, gaming, escaping into fantasy all helps him stay numb and avoid confronting hard truths. Passive aggressive jabs help him avoid confronting hard truths. He is never going to bite those hooks. He is never going to be the one to take the initiative. If you want him to acknowledge something, you will have to be as blunt as possible.

Like your boyfriend, mine was a great listener, very gentle, extremely patient and easygoing, and cared about world peace. He seemed so pure and superior to other men. He wasn't aggressive. He didn't push for sex. He was like a gamer hippie. But like yours, he was very selfish in public. He would just stand there and play games on his DS like a kid. He made no attempt to make others feel comfortable and he was a pretty tall/hairy guy so people would frequently get scared of him or think he was a creep. And he was a major time waster. He tested as a 9 on the Enneagram, so his big issue was being slothful and avoiding reality.

After we broke up, he cried in my arms and begged me for another chance. I tried to tell him I already gave him a ton of chances. He said it didn't count because he didn't know. He said I should have given him an ultimatum. I told him I didn't want a life where I had to threaten him with abandonment every time I was unhappy. That's not love to me. Love is when both people choose to be present, take responsibility for themselves, and confront hard situations to improve themselves for each other.

I still love him but I just could not pretend to be happy with him anymore. Over a year ago, I saw him again and he asked me out again with that big, sweet smile. Didn't address any of our previous issues. Just asked to see if the answer had changed.

The hard truth I had to confront: My kind, sweet, gentle boyfriend was actually a pretty selfish guy. And he didn't love me as much as I thought. He was just going along for the ride.

I do not know how to stop this.

Accept that you have no power to change him. Sit him down and be blunt with your grievances. Let him decide whether he wants to step up his game or to let you go. If he is serious about you, at minimum, he should find his own therapist and start going to his own counseling sessions. If even doing that is too much effort for him, then I think you have your answer.

just_a_mum · 2019-07-12T20:47:41+00:00

You are a grown up and can ask for what you want instead of being passive aggressive. I think I you need to sit down and have a Frank discussion with your boyfriend, lay out exactly what you want in a relationship. Do not attack him in any way, don't explain how he can change. Just the facts out about what you want. And then ask him if he, honestly, can meet those needs.

I think you already know that this relationship is over. The touch aversion is the biggest red flag, in my opinion. Resentment is the biggest relationship killer.

LibbyLoo222 · 2019-07-12T20:33:07+00:00

I think you already know what you need to do based on how you describe your relationship.

Making jabs isn’t the problem. You don’t respect him. Don’t hold on to this relationship because it’s convenient to have someone covering expenses.

samthecre8tor · 2019-07-12T21:27:30+00:00

Damn bro. Kudos for the honesty. But that’s kind of the point. Start there. Bring him this post and be very clear that you’re beating him up and know it. Also be really clear that you want him to take care of himself because you want a partner who’s more active. Don’t feel bad at all for changing and growing. That’s great stuff. But be honest with yourself as well about the logistics. Even if he does turn around on a dime and starts working on himself and relationship, he’s doing it on top of supporting you and mom.

Still, don’t ignore the gut feeling. You are losing attraction. But so is he. He’s also losing self confidence and hope.

All you can do is be super communicative and supportive. If this is something that does not allow him to start creating an upward spiral in his life, you’d probably be justified in moving on.

In short. Keep it honest and see where it goes. Don’t slow your progress for him at all. Best of luck. 👍🏽

PIQAS · 2019-07-12T19:16:48+00:00

u want to improve and keep growing, he wants to enjoy the comfort zone. eventually the comfort zone person wins and drags the other down, no matter the sex. also, if he is having low testosterone, it's going to make drama out of anything you point which is against his comfort zone. relationship psychologist here.

ironsoul99 · 2019-07-12T20:18:12+00:00

You need to move on. You have grown as an adult and he has not, part of a relationship is growing together. It can take sacrifice and compromise but if one partner lags behind it starts to strain the relationship. He doesn’t sound like he’s upholding his relationship or keeps you as a priority. As much as you think you’re the “mean” one, he seems to be worse if not just as bad. Get a job and leave.

renegade · 2019-07-12T21:09:19+00:00

The dude is very much not RP, a little weird that his lady is posting here. Sounds like he needs a wake up call. Dude needs some sunlight and some lifting at the very least, and should maybe take a month off from playing games.

Or are you just looking or permission to move on? You don't need it. But you do need to decide what you want. You're still young, you have options.

JanuaryArya · 2019-07-13T16:47:39+00:00

I don’t understand how you could add a sentence at the end that says “We have shared values.”

You don’t.

You’ve done a lot of growing since you’ve met him, but it seems to have come from you. Has he been a leader in any aspect of your life? The reason I ask is because if he is not leading, then you will resent following someone that’s going no where.

It sounds like a really tough personal situation with your mom being sick, and you leaving work to care for her. But that’s no excuse to prolong this relationship.

You do not have shared interests. You do not have shared goals. You do not have shared values. You are not having sex. You are averse to him touching you. You are (somewhat) financially dependent on him, and you resent him.

You need to do both of you a favor. Thank him for the good times and move on.

IreneCarter92 · 2019-07-13T18:33:30+00:00

If I'm being honest. Find a new partner. He is what we call a 'Beta Bux Provider'. Yes he does provide for and may even like you very much. But he doesn't love you. And in response you don't (are losing) respect for him. Sexual chemistry is very important in a relationship. If this relationship continues I'm afraid you are eventually going to cheat on him. Please find someone who's a little bit more "Alpha". But before you swing, make sure you get a job and don't cheat on him while you're together.

brownsnake84 · 2019-07-12T22:37:09+00:00

I really wish I could get my time returned and get back to the front page after reading this.

Title	How do I stop making passive aggressive comments toward my boyfriend that I love?
Author	weighingthelife
Upvotes	36
Comments	19
Date	July 12, 2019 6:52 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/ccez17/how_do_i_stop_making_passive_aggressive_comments/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/how-do-i-stop-making-passive-aggressive-comments.245290 https://theredarchive.com/post/245290

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