Been studying the sidebar for over a year. Read NMMNG 3x WISNIFG 2x MMSL 1 x

Lifts are good but not where I want to be. I'm the biggest I've ever been in terms of strength and weight. Bench 245 for reps 5'10 200lbs.

Been spending a lot of time STFU but after reading NMMNG again recently I decided to be assertive. I had a meeting and told her things are going to change. I mostly talked about my plans for myself and leading the family (3 small kids). I told her she needed to go to therapy by herself. As captain I want my FO well. I made it a point that I needed to fix me and she needed to fix her and when we are both healthy then we will have a good marriage. I told her I was going to be 100% selfish from now on and I'm going to get out of life what I want. And right now what I want is her but I couldn't change her. I said I can't change the past but I can change the future and I'm going to live in a great future with or without her. I pushed and pulled.

She has bucked the holy hell out of this reset.

She gave ultimatums one of which was a 4 thousand dollar marriage counseling retreat. I promptly shit that down. She framed it as I didn't want to save our marriage. I fogged and said I understand you feel that I don't want to save our marriage by not going to counseling but I'm not going to counseling. I offered for her to go by herself to a regular counselor for 4 weeks and I would join her after that. I also offered for us to do a book study together. Fogging, broken record, workable compromise. No go.

She cried really hard and asked how I could be so cold. I told her I know what I want out of life and I'm ok with whatever happens. That I'm going to work on controlling what I can change: myself and I'm not going to worry about what I can't change. She talked about broken promises etc.

She is stubborn and she will likely stick to her ultimatum and we may end up divorced. But I am outcome independent. For the first time I feel free. I know what I want and I'm going to get what I want. I see this as a positive. From my angle this is a hard reset and I have the opportunity to win her back without any preconditions. Just like with dating. She can accept or reject and I will brush it off and move on. From her angle she is crushed and feels betrayed.

I see her attempt at counseling as manipulation. "If you don't do this then you don't love me." Which is really "I don't feel safe if I don't have control over your decisions. If I can't control you then I don't feel safe therefore you don't love me". I told her I can choose to love whoever I want and I choose her but I'm still not going to counseling.

I may have went Rambo with this hard reset but something needed to change. I had to make a hard break from her frame. We are both naturally independent and stubborn people so this may end in divorce. But I know I can't live in her frame anymore.

Possible mistakes I see I made: going Rambo, I could have waited until I was more attractive to do this, more acta less verba. Either way, I believe I held my frame in the discussions and made myself assertive and outlined what I wanted. We will see what happens.