I need a mentor, and I do not have any feminine figures around me or in my family, can any of you ladies help me?

la_dudette_da · 2020-09-19T15:28:54+00:00

I grew up being a loud obnoxious feminist in a family of female bullies, I met an amazing guy who is the man of my dreams, and he doesn't take this...

[–][deleted] 5 years ago (11 children) | Copy Link

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[–]la_dudette_da[S] 10 points11 points12 points 5 years ago (10 children) | Copy Link

[–]Mewster18181 Star24 points25 points26 points 5 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link

I know where you're coming from. There are some things you can practice that aren't even necessarily "RPW" for starters to help.

It sounds like you let stress get the best of you, and redirect that stress in ways that you know isn't okay. For this I'd recommend finding stuff that helps with stress, practicing meditation is something great, it doesn't have to take a long time and there are lots of free guided meditation sessions on youtube that beginners can try. While it will not solve your problems it will help you learn to calm yourself, learn to rationalize your stress, and learn to be able to separate that stress from other things in your life. Guided meditation will also help you with positive affirmations "I am stronger than my stress, I can accomplish anything that I do, I will thrive", there is a lot of psychology that indicates that daily positive affirmations really does help people guide themselves into a better mental space.

I also don't know how old you are, but working on yourself is a must at any age, I think for younger ladies(teens-24) one of the hardest, but most important lessons is that stress and unpleasant emotions do not have to escalate into "emotional outbursts". When something stresses you out, don't let it fester into something bigger, reflect on it and ask yourself a couple of things:

Is this something I have control over? If not, then focus on the positives and ask yourself why you are stressing out about something you cannot control or change. If you can control it, form a plan, how will you overcome this stress? You may or may not find it helpful to have someone with an outside perspective to bounce ideas off of and gain insight.
Is this stressor actually important? Objectively look at the issue and rank how important it is, you may find more often than not that it's really not something that you should get worked up over. You may find that often times you really are making a mountain out of a molehill.
What can I do to prevent this stress again? Not every stressor can be avoided, but a lot of them are by our own making. Reflecting on what we can do better, being more responsible, and better prepared in the future is key. Treat stressors like learning opportunities, "well this isn't fun, but I can make sure that this doesn't happen again by doing x,y,z." Set yourself up for success, make a plan and implement it right away in order to create new, better habits.

Now on to what I would call more RPW centered advice! It is important to understand some of the fundamental ways in which men and women are different. When women complain, a man's instinct is to "fix" things, but often what we're actually looking for is sympathy and someone to just "listen". We perceive the man giving us advice as a sign that he's not listening, he's just trying to end the conversation, and he doesn't take our problem seriously. But if you take a rational step back, offering advice or trying to fix the problem is a perfectly reasonable approach(this sums it up perfectly). My husband and I have discussed this fundamental difference between men and women and our solution is to always ask, "do you want advice or do you just need to vent?"

There are three other "rules" that are absolutes for me. The first is before I talk to my husband about stress, I ask myself "Is this something worthy of bringing to my husband or is this something I can talk about with a friend instead?" while he absolutely loves me, he's really not going to muster up much sympathy for petty, silly little irritations that would never bother him. He'll try his best to listen, but if I do this to him all the time our relationship starts to become unpleasant and a source of stress for no reason for him. This might be things like "I can't believe the store isn't selling x thing I liked anymore" or "My coworker is being difficult and I just need to get it off my chest again".

Second, your man does not and should not be the first person you take negativity to unless there are good reasons that you need to talk to him first, this would be things like "Since I returned to work after giving birth, I need more help around the house than I did when I was on maternity leave." It should never be accusatory, it should be simple statements that tell him exactly what you need help with. When he responds to you really listen to him, you also need to consider where he is coming from and what he is experiencing. A lot of men are not vocal about things that they are having a hard time with, and you want to foster a sense of security in him to disclose that kind of stuff with you. The best way is to take his input seriously and really listen to what he is saying. Using my example "I need more help" I should also consider, my husband has not taken a break like I have, has been working for the past two months despite being woken up by our baby every night just like I have, and he works a harder/more stressful job than I do. While you may still conclude that you need more of his help, keep in mind that it doesn't mean he's being a "deadbeat" or that he doesn't care or that he's "lazy".

Thirdly, NEVER, EVER complain about your man to your friends. If there is something in your relationship that is bothering you, think about it, reflect on it privately, envision what his perspective is like, and then bring up respectfully to your man. Do not undermine or disrespect him publicly. It doesn't make you or him look good to anyone, and it will never help you to resolve the issue in 99% of cases other than just getting you "pumped" up for a fight. While it's fine to go to your friends for things like, "my man seems down lately since x change happened at his work, help me think of ways to cheer him up" you should never go to your friends with things like "he's not helping me with x!" No matter how well meaning or nice most friends are, they're only getting your side of the story in the heat of your emotions, and you're much more likely to get bad advice like "wow he sounds like a real POS" even if, had you quietly reflected on it personally you would have realised that he has plenty of his own stresses too and he's not a bad person, he just doesn't know that you need help.

[–]teaandtalk5 Stars5 points6 points7 points 5 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

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[–]la_dudette_da[S] 2 points3 points4 points 5 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link

[–]MilkiesMaximus4 points5 points6 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]taikutsuu1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

Okay look, so if you do love him and do respect him, something in your brain is essentially miscommunicating. I know the roughest of that because I have PTSD which acts out in this way quite frequently. I'll give you some advice based on that and hope it helps you out, because I've been there.

If you are this frustrated with yourself, then I think you should be looking a bit deeper into these things. If you rationally know that you respect him and that he is a great man, regret lashing out afterwards yet still can't find the power to stop yourself from acting on your feelings in the moment, I would suggest you log this process in some way. What is prone to making you upset? What faults do you find in him and afterwards, how does your behavior make you feel about yourself? Could your brain be using these situations when you feel out of control, or disrespected, or slighted (important: you feel this because your brain is wired to for some reason! if he isn't doing these things, you can rewire it so you can actually feel what is happening!) to return back to the comfort zone of your upbringing?

Log the triggers, the process and the outcomes. Keep a small journal or just write it down. The reason this helps is because over time, you start to become aware of the fact that you are in control of the process. Right now, your brain is controlling you and is making you do things you don't like. You can change that. You can take the process, edit it, and take control of what you do.

My secret tip: Instead of getting upset, go up to your boyfriend and say "Hey, my brain really wants to be upset right now but I'd rather hug you. I know you didn't do anything." After months of resentment rooted in this issue and some others, this was the way my partner started to regain his trust in me. And therapy if you feel like things get too hard for you. Growing up in a family of bullies doesn't sound like you were nurtured well, let alone by angry feminists. I wish you the best ♥

[–]DelicateDevelopment-3 points-2 points-1 points 5 years ago* (0 children) | Copy Link

It is not only the temper. The temper is already secondary. It seems that you need some time for yourself in order to understand what really bothers you. It is easy to negate the cause after one has overreacted. Then one only feels guilty because of the obvious overreaction. Particularly since you balance and restrain yourself in times when you are relaxed or in control as you state it. But this then easily becomes overwhelming, while the other does not notice the moments of restrain but only the unexpected moments of overreaction. So they feel unjustly attacked and get defensive as well. I think men can handle an unpleasant reaction if they intentionally do something where they know they should not.

Rely on your relationship. Take some time for yourself and let him know that you need to figure out yourself what is going on and that you hope you can talk it out in calm later.

Then try to understand which expectations you feel being violated also in normal times, but which you balance out and which then cause you to overreact when you are already distressed. Then try to understand what would help you. Is this something which is really critical to you and where you need him to consider it? Or is it something that you yourself would like to handle in a different way?

My experience is that PMS does rarely create non-existent problems. It is an amplifier, that increases the stress over things one normally overlooks or rationalizes away.

With all that. Don't beg him for a second chance. The more guilty and powerless one feels the more difficult it is control emotions. Since you are so heavily triggered by your fear of loosing him, you should try to avoid to return while you are still trapped in fear and shame and guilt.

He is an adult as well. Just because someone steps on my foot does not mean that I have to kick back.

[–]Sambhavi_55 points6 points7 points 5 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

[–]la_dudette_da[S] 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]Sambhavi_53 points4 points5 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points4 points 5 years ago* (0 children) | Copy Link

take up meditation so you can be more aware of your bodily feelings. just notice how when you feel like challenging him or shit testing him a certain emotional feeling of dissatisfaction comes up in your body. do not suppress this feeling, just be aware.

when you learn to be more aware of your feelings and urges, you’ll be able to control your reactions. if you can’t recognize your feelings or urges your reactions will be automatic and you won’t even realize that you are doing something harmful.

just like how a feeling of tiredness makes you want to sleep, and a feeling of being hungry makes you want to eat - similarly, there is a feeling of discontent that makes you want to want to shit-test and bully him. It is an automatic process.

be aware of your feelings, and learn how not to act on them.

you keep making mistakes because you don’t realize you are doing them. only after you’ve been warned you’ve realized your mistakes.

🙂 have a good day

[–]Lady_Catfish1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

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[–][deleted] 5 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link

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[–]ban1chka2 points3 points4 points 5 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link

I disagree with your second statement. Yes, there is such a thing as apologizing too much. The thing with apologies is that they're absolutely meaningless if they don't come with a change in how you act. "I'm sorry" is a big word and shouldn't be thrown around. If you say it and then continue to do the same thing as before, it becomes meaningless and others lose trust in you.

For example. I had a friend who kept interrupting me. All. The. Time. She knows she's doing it, but she never changes. She just says I'm sorry for interrupting you and then continues to do it anyway. Why are you apologizing then, if you'll just keep acting the same way? It makes your apology completely worthless and that's really not a good thing.

What's much more powerful is, when you make a mistake, you apologize once... And then take steps to fix it. If you make it again, repeat - apologize and take action. But if you keep doing the same mistake and are making no real progress in stopping it, can you really blame your partner for getting upset and losing trust in you?

[–][deleted] 5 years ago* (3 children) | Copy Link

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[–]ban1chka0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points1 point 5 years ago* (0 children) | Copy Link

yes exactly, apologizing profusely can actually hurt your relationship. it is a sign of weakness - submission. a man who apologizes profusely demonstrates that he is unable to bear the scrutiny and criticism of others - he cannot make a stance. that’s very unattractive because only feminine men apologize profusely. in fact, by demonstrating such weakness, she probes you and shit-tests you even more - in order to find out whether you are a weak man or not.

however, if your apologies are meaningful, and only if you’ve made a big mistake - your apologies will be more genuine.

there is such a thing as “apologizing too much”

just like how a politician’s smile comes across as disingenuous because they give them out like Halloween candy, so can your apologies can come across as disingenuous and approval-seeking if you apologize profusely.

when you apologize profusely, it’s the same as getting on your knees and telling her you will do anything to make her happy.

unattractive - and if she grew up with feminist ideals, she will ruin your life by bossing you around and taking all of your hard earned money just so you can enjoy a small drop of pussy.

maintain your frame as the leader of the relationship - you are alpha. you lead by example.

do not give her that position.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago* (0 children) | Copy Link

I think it just depends on how far you are willing to go. For myself, I would never take any bullshit my partner. I have been in a relationship now for 6 years, and she still makes the same amount of effort as she did on day 1. That is the enticement of masculine energy that women crave - she wants to be put in her place.

Many marriages fall apart when they lose their appeal - that masculine and feminine pull. and they either stay for necessity or stay for their children, but when it gets to that point, nothing about it is fun. Just the same boring routine shit.

I disagree with how you say that nobody can make meaningful change no matter how hard they try.

I instead like to frame it this way: She needs positive reinforcement. To feel that she is with the right man. She needs to feel that masculine energy. she tests you you to see if you’re still up to the challenge.

She can change as a good person, but this push-and-pull mechanism is a necessary component to every working relationship. It keeps the sex great, and the relationship fresh.

in the caveman days, you would display your strength and earn the right to breed by hunting a sabertooth tiger, or slaying a rival. but in today’s time, you must show your strength by your ability to stay strong when she attempts to test your resolve.

This “display of strength” is what millennia of breeding, and evolution have put into the minds of women today. It is an automatic program that women run in the background of their psyche. Why do you think women are attracted to masculinity?

it is quite important. Because when she is indifferent to you - when she feels nothing at all about you - no longer fights or argues with you - and has not even a care in the world about you - then that’s how you know you blew it.

( I know I’m off topic, just wanted to exercise my mind 🙂 have a good day)

Title	I need a mentor, and I do not have any feminine figures around me or in my family, can any of you ladies help me?
Author	la_dudette_da
Upvotes	53
Comments	24
Date	September 19, 2020 3:28 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/ivulrb/i_need_a_mentor_and_i_do_not_have_any_feminine/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/i-need-a-mentor-and-i-do-not-have-any-feminine.260258 https://theredarchive.com/post/260258

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