I guess I'll use "The Purge" to vent and receive some advice to fix my anxiety and resentment about this. This is my first post on PPD but I've been luking for a while. English is not my first tongue.

Me : 22, Mixed race, 182cm ( 6 ft ), ~80kg ( 176 lbs ) 5-6/10 with intimidating looks, depite being anxious most of the time. Pretty much an ascended incel thanks to TRP and overall egotism, I couldn't stand being low value male anymore. N-count : A bit under 20.

Her : 24, Mixed race, 158cm ( 5ft2 ) , 45kg ( 100 lbs ), 5/10 with very cute looks. Ex rape victim, but always had a tendancy for promiscuity ( ex : had foreplay with 5-6 partners even before loosing her virginity ) N-count : A bit under 40, everything sexual included. I'd tend to believe her since she is honest about this kind of things, but I wouldn't be that surprised if her number was higher.

She was my first female friend when I was mostly an incel, and was extremely supporting and caring, despite me often throwing mysoginistic tantrums at her "-You whores are all the same !" . She could have simply ghosted me, leaving me alone, but she choosed to stay and provide emotional support. I'd dare to say it was almost a life-saving support...

Which is the reason why after making her my sex friend when I became confident enough about escalating, and fucking many others girls in the span of a year, including ( my biggest catch ) a 9/10 instagram model met trought a nightclub - that I wasn't even supposed to be in, since as a still high inhib introvert INTP-like, I can't stand these places- .... I came back to her, asking her to be my first LTR. I'm her 4/5th

I love her for her loyalty, honesty, intelligence, kindness, support. Love hormones even make her more arousing to my eyes than the said instagram model. I'm in a bad case of ONEITIS. And still, I'm pretty confident about her loyalty, since she has proved it to me up to now. She says she is in love with me too, and that she project herself into the future with me.

But still.

Even when taking into account her rape that fucked her sexual behavior...

I'm still sad and resentful about her fucking around. Getting some facials ( I told you, she is very honest with me, one of the reasons I love her ) by some random ONS, getting dicked by fat cocks, getting ass slaped, choked and all. I can't stand the fact that she fucked some random 9/10 on Tinder ( her sayings ) and above all, that they undoubtly used her as a easy cumdumpster with her approval, while I had to work hard to fuck ONE 9/10, but honestly I don't give a fuck about that, this is pathetic, what hurt me is that I love her and that she gave herself for guys that would not even respect her, that's the real deal. Physical intimacy don't mean much with her, and I crave that exceptionality.

I don't care about her past LTR, it's the past ONS that make genuinely depressed and sad. As if I saw someone that I love taking drugs or hurting himself.

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I'm a bit emotionnal about it, and I feel miserable and pathetic. I can't talk to her about it since that would make her insecure ( she often regret her past, that mean her rape and her sexual promiscuity that she didn't even liked that much and ruined her self esteem, since she is a bit of a romantic ) and that would also absolutely put our LTR in jeopardy. I must fix my thoughts without her.

The funny part is that I'm glad she told the truth to me, even if it hurts, to be honest, she could even be a 100 n+ that I wouldn't care that much at this point, she is already a massive slut in my eyes, but a gracious and loyal one. She even know that I think she had a slutty behavior !

This is my first LTR and I want it to works, since I won't find another girl that was here... at the start of my journey I could say ? I don't know where else I could ask about this.

I feel like the worst absolutely textbook typical bluepill cuck and that's probably what I am right now.

Please help me deal with it.

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TLDR : Ex incel now fuckboy is sad and mad about ex slut girlfriend. basically

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PS : If the mods are ok with it, I'd be down to start a "Ex-Incel confessions thread" next week.