Going to try to make this short, and as least-wordy as possible.

I'm currently 23 year old female. Let's go back to age 14-17, I'm going to try to make this quick. I was awkward in high school, a late bloomer, and unattractive. Had strict parents and worked a lot to save for college, so my social life was lame. My self esteem was garbage, like many other teens. I was into whatever dude showed attraction to me, and got treated really badly by 3 high school boys in a row, I had no self awareness and basically fell for whatever they told me. I became angry and loathsome towards men, and around the same time (this was around 2013) I discovered TRP and other manosphere blogs/subreddits in their earlier days. What I read explained the way I was treated by those high school boys (even though looking back, I doubt any of them read TRP). I was disgusted and astounded, but could not stop reading. My low opinion of men just got lower, and lower, and lower, to where I began to not care about their opinions and feelings at all. I asserted myself as the most "Alpha-male" of all alpha males, and every boy that looked at me was my plate to use as a sex toy and I never give a shit about their emotions. I have always had a dominant personality and an insane sex drive and gotten off easily, so everything was just too easy.

Between ages 17-19, I began to treat men like absolute garbage. I'd see things out on the street, hear things from my female friends, read the news and see men in power that just justified my disgust and hatred, and further reinforced my belief that men were inferior to women. I met very few interesting, motivated men, and found almost every woman I met to be intellectually, emotionally, and professionally superior to the men around me. I justified my behavior with this belief and by the things I'd read on TRP. I told myself, "you seen it for yourself, men don't care about having their feelings hurt, it's on to the next for them, just like the way it is for you." Lots of being cold, distant, fucking guys who'd get feelings for me, cheating on them when I said we were sexually exclusive, etc. I avoided romantic relationships, but it was common for the men I was abusing to get feelings towards me. I didn't do anything illegal, predatory, or any home-wrecking, but I was manipulative and just plain mean.

Ages 20-22, Guilt finally began catching up to me, and I stopped dating. However, the thoughts remain. I am totally uninterested in men for anything but friendship, and sex, both of which I keep separate. The men I am friends with are "too precious" to me for a sexual relationship, and the men I sleep with end up getting attached, and I inevitably hurt them because I have no interest in them romantically.

Beliefs that remain: A "madonna-whore" complex geared towards men (ex, if he puts out easily, he's only good for sex) it's hypocritical, unfair, and unsustainable. A disgust towards men over age 28, especially white men (this is the demographic that shows the most interest in me, but I reject them hard "to show them their place" because I think old men are ugly and disgusting. No interest in romance with men whatsoever, just sex. I'm not gay, either, I find women nice to be friends with, but want nothing more from them than that. A belief still that men are more shallow than women, motivated 100% by women and sex (therefore one-dimensional, only women have goals that are unrelated to reproduction and sex), belief that men have an unwarranted ego problem and are spoiled babies in society, and a belief that men are children. (I know TRP says "women are children", but I applied this belief to men because in my experience, they have always been the more immature sex.).

I know these beliefs are rooted in anger and disgust at a small portion of the population, because I have many male friends and think they're awesome. I have three best friends, and two are male, and I treat them like "exceptions to the rule". No one knows these things about me, I hide my sexual behavior, my anger, and my awful opinions. I know that logically, most men and women are just normal people trying to live normal lives. I'm getting better as I distanced myself from those online realms, and as I get older, but I still have waves of these opinions pop up when I see a man do something that I find unsavory.

I want to have a normal outlook on love, sex, and relationships. My opinions are untrue, toxic, and rooted in anger. I do not want to be loathsome towards half of the population for the behavior of such a tiny minority. I've tried staying away from that part of the internet, hanging out with good male role models, therapy for 2 years, dating, not dating, not having sex, everything. If anyone has had similar experiences, I'd like to talk.