I need advice. How do you respond to threats of divorce? Or threats period in a relationship?
My wife constantly threatens divorce. Or goes on huge long tangents listing how terrible of a person I am, how I am not worthy to be a leader.
<EDIT TO INCLUDE STATS/CONTEXT>
Stats: body fat, height, weight, lifts, etc. - 5'7, 149lbs bodyfat 5%, lifting for 6 months... could use another 10lbs or so but I look athletic. Clean diet.
Reading: Which sidebar content you've read (RPC and/or MRP) - I've read all of RPC. Working my way through recommended MRP reading... Done nmmng, book of poot, sex god method, models: attract women by honesty. Been trying to apply about 3-4 months now.
Finances: Current job and income quality, future prospects, debt issues -waiting on a work visa (just moved to USA). I own a small business in Canada, did about 60k last year. Definitely could do a lot better and it causes a good amount of frustration.
Spiritual: How mature you are, how often you pray, have quiet times, share your faith, memorize Scripture, etc. - Grew up in church, pray and read bible daily, BUT I've been having some serious issues/doubts as a result of feeling like I know a LOT about God, but don't really experience him in the way the bible seems to say I should. Because of this, I'm definitely NOT being the spiritual leader my wife wishes I were.
Context = married 1.5 years. Its been a hard go... Mainly because we moved countries / jobs / left all our friends at the same time as getting married = HUGE pressure, no direction, and I was 100% bp egalitarian when strong leadership + vision was most needed. She sank into depression, my sad bp attempts to make her happy and fix her problems eventually led to her losing respect / desire for me and blaming me for failing to lead her and us out of a crappy situation. Fast forward to finding rp, moved to a new country, working on a new business, gained 20 lbs and progress has been made, but threats of divorce + huge explosions from her remain, as due her not having a clear purpose / mission in life, which leaves her unsatisfied, frustrated and depressed reasonably often.
1 last thing - In re-reading this post, my wife does not regularly have these outbursts... Maybe once a month or so. It used to be every couple days, so things ARE getting better - I just am genuinely at a loss as to how to respond when they happen!
When she threatens divorce, she gives me a list of things I need to change that are intolerable to her.
**Her issues:
- She says I constantly challenge her.
- That I push her and push her.
- That I don't respect or empathize with her.
There is a basis of truth within all these issues, although I feel they are exaggerated in some ways. Details below, or if you don't have time for a full read, summary is at the bottom.
- I am hard on myself. I have high standards for myself. And I definitely know I unfairly place those same high standards on others, including pushing her. If she's not asking for it, she doesn't want to be pushed. Does that mean I just let her do whatever? She struggles to get out of bed in the morning, has no job, spends most of the day watching youtube... But if I ever address it, I'm pushing her and "making her feel small" and "putting her down" and she explodes. So... there are valid areas I really DO push her and should probably back off, but also places where she genuinely needs to change and do something... How do I approach?
- I'm also vocal and not afraid to express my opinion, and I enjoy discussing a different viewpoint on a topic - Which to my wife comes across as arguing and never letting her be "right" about anything. BUT - Sometimes it feels like not instantly agreeing with her on an issue in her mind makes me an evil person. ie the other day she read an article that trump passed a law making hunting practices ruled inhumane legal again.
I didn't overtly agree with her, but just said "we don't necessarily have the full story - there might be more to it than that." And she went off that I was a sick person who has serious issues etc. Again - I told her I AGREE with her that its wrong, I never said I felt otherwise, just that there is always two sides to a story and there might be more facts we didn't know that the article conveniently left out... She didn't care, she was outraged that my first reaction wasn't to immediately condemn the action, but to question the validity of the article.
(btw I'm not American, and am not a supporter of Trump either. I just don't like jumping to conclusions from articles that may very well be omitting facts.)
3) With the empathizing and respecting her, sometimes she just needs to toughen up. She lets little things really bug her, is way too afraid / cautious, always follows the rules, freaks out over a bug on her etc... pretty typical girl behaviour. BUT she also has a condition diagnosed as Vasovagal syncope, which is where your body faints from random triggers like getting stressed or scared...
So when I tell her to lighten up or be brave, to her it feels like I'm not taking the possibility of her passing out seriously. To her it communicates that I don't care if she is in genuine danger of harm (ironically only as a result of her in-genuine PERCEPTION of danger which acts as the trigger!)
So what am I supposed to do in those situations when she's waaay overreacting? Buy into it and treat her like a fragile princess? Feels very Beta... BUT she does genuinely have a real problem at the same time... Or tell her she's being silly and to toughen up? Which avoids the beta route but also makes me out to be an uncaring jerk who doesn't take respect her by taking her condition seriously...
... I know what she would LIKE to hear... But what is the red pill response?
***To summarize: My wife has some valid things I really DO need to change. But they're not TOTALLY valid... So there is truth in them but not entirely.
She brings them up as ultimatums or excuses to threaten divorce. She uses phrases like "that's it, I'm leaving - I can't do this anymore" "I can't live like this - I'm flying to live with my parents" & "You make me depressed and I'm scared if I don't leave I'll do something like hurt or kill myself, I need to get out"
So how do I respond?
The obvious: FIX the valid issues. Regardless of my marriage I need to work on these things.
But how do I RESPOND in the moment? I can't dismiss because there IS some validity... But I don't want to own it entirely because some of what she is saying is nonsense. Plus since she only says these things while threatening divorce, telling me she despises me and can't stand me... So me saying "Whatever you want, whatever it takes to fix this" Is just being beta, giving in to bad behaviour and reinforcing a pattern.
I need advice. How do you respond to threats of divorce? Or threats period in a relationship? Both in this specific situation, and just in general for the help of the whole RPC community.
THANKS!
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