• Stats: 5'11, 20%, Bench 1RM - 209, Deadlift - 335, Squat - 270, OHP - 130, Chins X 5 BW, Dips x 6 + 10lbs
  • Reading: 100s, 200s, 300s, 400s, NMMNG,
  • Finances: Entrepreneur currently in business start-up, left a 6 figure job about 2 months ago, on way to six figures here in next 6 months.
  • Spiritual: Weekly church with small leadership roles, small group, occasional fellowship with Christian brothers, near daily bible reading as of last 2 months or so, lead family in prayer a few times a day.

Reading an OYS about boundaries has me churning/thinking. How does one set boundaries, and enforce them in a modern marriage? Pornea (however you interpret that) is the only biblical grounds for divorce, and my wife at least can earn a good living on her own. That leaves me basically with time and attention.

In the past, I can think of a few times I feebly attempted to set very reasonable boundaries that my girlfriend (now wife) blew past. If I'd had any backbone, I would've (and should have) walked. But here we are, 5 years married. She doesn't/hasn't violated my flimsy boundaries in a long time (probably because I am a stronger and more attractive man than I was), and she simply has less opportunity.

When we were dating (long distance for about 6 months of it), I had boundaries around drinking (no more than 3 drinks in an evening, no shots). She simply hid that she was getting sh*t-faced while she was overseas. When I found out, I of course did nothing. In future, she just brought her social binge drinking out in the open, and I began to occasionally join in on that sinfulness instead of standing firm. Again, hasn't been an issue in several years but it's still a flimsy boundary not meaningfully enforced.

Later on while dating, she was upset I was not giving her enough attention and started lining up an orbiting co-worker for a branch swing. I told her if we were going to stay together, shut down all contact or I'm out. She just down-regulated the contact but kept him in orbit... and I of course stayed.

How do I reset boundaries now? Do I have a frank conversation out of the blue (hey, I've changed and now here's my real boundaries, and here's the real consequences) or wait until an issue begins creeping up to reset. And really, what consequences can I possibly have besides my time and attention? (Although these may be enough now that I am at least a bit more attractive and have a bit more abundance).

I'd love for someone to paint me an example of how this successfully plays out.