The wheels of my life have been falling off and now having more time to dwell upon my faith it's made me depressed. For some background I have had a bible to read since I was 13 and did a sinners prayer when I was 16, but there wasn't any depth to my faith other than not going to hell. It's why I mostly stuck to reading the book of revelation and obsessing with not taking whatever the mark of the beast will be. I didn't think of God otherwise because I figured what I did counted as saved and there wasn't a way to lose that unless I committed that unforgivable sin.
Making things worse for me once my sex drive became an issue I had both natural and unnatural sexual interest, but I favored my unnatural fetish because it appealed a lot more to my flesh and I knew it was possible to deny as being sexual. I haven't wanted to name it because it's so wicked that there aren't many other kinds of sexual desires people find to be more evil. But I am going to confess what this fetish is here because it's destroyed huge chunks of my life.
Since I first experienced arousal I've had a vore fetish and have watched videos of girls swallow bugs,goldfish, mice and lizards alive. Then on the roleplay side of things I also have Macrophilia where something like attack of the 50ft woman is porn to me and this fetish also serves as a platform for my vore fetish. This all has cost me friendships, my grades, getting jobs, keeping jobs and my relationship with God. It's dragged me so far down that it feels like I'm always drowning and there's no rescue plan for a person so far gone. I am so utterly ashamed of myself that even when I first posted on RPC under my now deleted account I didn't want to admit I saw my step sister as a way out of my vore fetish. It's taken more than a week for me to gain the courage to even write post this at all.
I say this because once I turned 17 my life basically went down the toilet as I became very obsessed with video games trying to counter my obsession with my weird vore fetish, but it didn't work. My last years of high school at home were depressing and so was my time in collage. Because in collage it was very common for me to stay up past 3am looking for content as it was never enough. I would often come into class trembling like an addict chomping at the bit waiting until they could get there next fix. No one ever wanted to even say hello as everyone could tell I was messed up and I knew that I was a screwed up person. I haven't made any friends since 10th grade and lost the few I did make over time until being down to one that used to be Christian but isn't anymore.
Things got so bad that in 2016 I was masturbating 3-4 per day and because of my desperation to escape this I started going to Church more than once per month, went to a small group and even started having meetings one on one with a pastor. After 6 months of doing this I got really sick and was bed ridden for 3 months straight. Had some really weird dreams and kept feeling the temptation to blaspheme God. It was like my thoughts were nothing but evil every waking moment. Then one day came where I just couldn't take it anymore and with my tongue I claimed God lied about the Holy Spirit. After my rage passed and I realized what I had said I begged God not to send me to hell. But my own words rang throughout my mind over and over again along with Matthew 12:31-32:
- "And so I tell you, every kind of sin and slander can be forgiven, but blasphemy against the Spirit will not be forgiven. Anyone who speaks a word against the Son of Man will be forgiven, but anyone who speaks against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven, either in this age or in the age to come."
For weeks I hardly said anything and every waking moment was consumed with thinking about hell. As my body recovered in that time my mind remained shattered as I thought about how trillions of years wasn't even a drop in the bucket of eternity. How my soul would endlessly burn in a place without light. It was enough to drive me insane, but each time I was pulled back and somehow didn't totally snap.
For many month's I read the bible each day hoping for a verse that gave me a way out. Because who actually want's to accept they are going to hell no matter what they do. I know that I didn't and still don't want to believe that. It's horrifying beyond words even if as a sinner this fate is what should happen for God is Holy and has every right to judge sin.
I was terrified of praying to God least I committed a sin when speaking to him. And mainly prayed for my friend to repent least he go where I was going. I was so desperate to save him that I spilled my guts out and told him I didn't want him going to hell with me. That didn't work of course and only made him hate God even more than he already did.
I did end up talking with other Christians about this and over a years time I thought they might be right about those committing unforgivable sins wouldn't care if they sinned at all. It's just I never told them everything as it sounds crazy and I keep on doubting God is willing to forgive me. Because every time I think of what I said in the past against God and then look at my current sin the last thing I can believe in is salvation. When I hear people say God forgives, all I can think is they don't know me and my depraved heart that lust after such twisted things.
If I went in for professional help for my vore fetish they wouldn't know what to tell me other than to accept it. I believe only God could fix it, but so far praying to be free of this sexual sin hasn't worked. So I am starting to think taking medication to suppress my sex drive might be the only way to deal with this.
I don't know what anyone could tell me because my sins are quite grave and it all really is just as bad as I made it sound. It might be that I really am in the situation depicted in Hebrews 10:26-31 and there is no longer a sacrifice for my sins left. I lust over evil unnatural desires and crave sexual relations with my step sister despite it being forbidden in Leviticus 18. I feel like God has handed me over to a depraved mind and unnatural lust. I can't help myself from thinking it's all just over for me and that I am condemned to hell no matter what I do.
Sorry for the huge wall of text and apologize for any content improper for the sub. Also to comply with sub rules my stats: Age: 25 Height 6'1'' Weight: 192LB Bench 180LB