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I doubt God's willingness to forgive me

Reddit View
September 30, 2019
4 upvotes

The wheels of my life have been falling off and now having more time to dwell upon my faith it's made me depressed. For some background I have had a bible to read since I was 13 and did a sinners prayer when I was 16, but there wasn't any depth to my faith other than not going to hell. It's why I mostly stuck to reading the book of revelation and obsessing with not taking whatever the mark of the beast will be. I didn't think of God otherwise because I figured what I did counted as saved and there wasn't a way to lose that unless I committed that unforgivable sin.

Making things worse for me once my sex drive became an issue I had both natural and unnatural sexual interest, but I favored my unnatural fetish because it appealed a lot more to my flesh and I knew it was possible to deny as being sexual. I haven't wanted to name it because it's so wicked that there aren't many other kinds of sexual desires people find to be more evil. But I am going to confess what this fetish is here because it's destroyed huge chunks of my life.

Since I first experienced arousal I've had a vore fetish and have watched videos of girls swallow bugs,goldfish, mice and lizards alive. Then on the roleplay side of things I also have Macrophilia where something like attack of the 50ft woman is porn to me and this fetish also serves as a platform for my vore fetish. This all has cost me friendships, my grades, getting jobs, keeping jobs and my relationship with God. It's dragged me so far down that it feels like I'm always drowning and there's no rescue plan for a person so far gone. I am so utterly ashamed of myself that even when I first posted on RPC under my now deleted account I didn't want to admit I saw my step sister as a way out of my vore fetish. It's taken more than a week for me to gain the courage to even write post this at all.

I say this because once I turned 17 my life basically went down the toilet as I became very obsessed with video games trying to counter my obsession with my weird vore fetish, but it didn't work. My last years of high school at home were depressing and so was my time in collage. Because in collage it was very common for me to stay up past 3am looking for content as it was never enough. I would often come into class trembling like an addict chomping at the bit waiting until they could get there next fix. No one ever wanted to even say hello as everyone could tell I was messed up and I knew that I was a screwed up person. I haven't made any friends since 10th grade and lost the few I did make over time until being down to one that used to be Christian but isn't anymore.

Things got so bad that in 2016 I was masturbating 3-4 per day and because of my desperation to escape this I started going to Church more than once per month, went to a small group and even started having meetings one on one with a pastor. After 6 months of doing this I got really sick and was bed ridden for 3 months straight. Had some really weird dreams and kept feeling the temptation to blaspheme God. It was like my thoughts were nothing but evil every waking moment. Then one day came where I just couldn't take it anymore and with my tongue I claimed God lied about the Holy Spirit. After my rage passed and I realized what I had said I begged God not to send me to hell. But my own words rang throughout my mind over and over again along with Matthew 12:31-32:

- "And so I tell you, every kind of sin and slander can be forgiven, but blasphemy against the Spirit will not be forgiven. Anyone who speaks a word against the Son of Man will be forgiven, but anyone who speaks against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven, either in this age or in the age to come."

For weeks I hardly said anything and every waking moment was consumed with thinking about hell. As my body recovered in that time my mind remained shattered as I thought about how trillions of years wasn't even a drop in the bucket of eternity. How my soul would endlessly burn in a place without light. It was enough to drive me insane, but each time I was pulled back and somehow didn't totally snap.

For many month's I read the bible each day hoping for a verse that gave me a way out. Because who actually want's to accept they are going to hell no matter what they do. I know that I didn't and still don't want to believe that. It's horrifying beyond words even if as a sinner this fate is what should happen for God is Holy and has every right to judge sin.

I was terrified of praying to God least I committed a sin when speaking to him. And mainly prayed for my friend to repent least he go where I was going. I was so desperate to save him that I spilled my guts out and told him I didn't want him going to hell with me. That didn't work of course and only made him hate God even more than he already did.

I did end up talking with other Christians about this and over a years time I thought they might be right about those committing unforgivable sins wouldn't care if they sinned at all. It's just I never told them everything as it sounds crazy and I keep on doubting God is willing to forgive me. Because every time I think of what I said in the past against God and then look at my current sin the last thing I can believe in is salvation. When I hear people say God forgives, all I can think is they don't know me and my depraved heart that lust after such twisted things.

If I went in for professional help for my vore fetish they wouldn't know what to tell me other than to accept it. I believe only God could fix it, but so far praying to be free of this sexual sin hasn't worked. So I am starting to think taking medication to suppress my sex drive might be the only way to deal with this.

I don't know what anyone could tell me because my sins are quite grave and it all really is just as bad as I made it sound. It might be that I really am in the situation depicted in Hebrews 10:26-31 and there is no longer a sacrifice for my sins left. I lust over evil unnatural desires and crave sexual relations with my step sister despite it being forbidden in Leviticus 18. I feel like God has handed me over to a depraved mind and unnatural lust. I can't help myself from thinking it's all just over for me and that I am condemned to hell no matter what I do.

Sorry for the huge wall of text and apologize for any content improper for the sub. Also to comply with sub rules my stats: Age: 25 Height 6'1'' Weight: 192LB Bench 180LB


Post Information
Title I doubt God's willingness to forgive me
Author Torn4_025
Upvotes 4
Comments 22
Date 30 September 2019 09:59 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit askRPC
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/304665
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askRPC/comments/dbj2ca/i_doubt_gods_willingness_to_forgive_me/
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Comments

[–]OsmiumZulu6 points7 points  (2 children) | Copy

Two things stand out to me reading this post:

1) Your theology is extremely underdeveloped. 2) Your worldview is incoherent.

First, you have no coherent soteriology (the "mechanism" by which Christ saves sinners). Check out The Sovereign Grace of God by Dr. James White. It is a straightforward read that sets a solid foundation for understanding this important aspect of Christian doctrine. Theological study can often be esoteric masturbation. I promise you this is not the case: you will never feel at peace with God unless you understand what it means to be redeemed. You have no peace and desperately need it.

Second, your worldview is a mess and that is reflected by your priorities. By worldview I mean: the network of beliefs in various areas (religion, politics, philosophy, history, etc). that together form the framework of your outlook and approach to the world around you. Odd as this may seem, your bizarre perversions just aren't that important in light of the fact that the civilized western world as we know it is falling apart and your fixation on yourself is just a demonstration of either ignorance or lack of concern. You are a casualty of globalhomo clown world, but you don't have to be.

[–]Torn4_025[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

First, you have no coherent soteriology (the "mechanism" by which Christ saves sinners). Check out The Sovereign Grace of God by Dr. James White. It is a straightforward read that sets a solid foundation for understanding this important aspect of Christian doctrine. Theological study can often be esoteric masturbation. I promise you this is not the case: you will never feel at peace with God unless you understand what it means to be redeemed. You have no peace and desperately need it.

What I believe about salvation is that it's conditional. I don't know everything and doubt myself, but free will exist in humans most of all for this reason. If salvation was unconditional then God has no standards for future behavior at all or free will in humans doesn't actually exist.

The following verse doesn't make much sense if salvation wasn't something a person could risk losing:

Hebrews 3:12-14 "Take heed, brethren, lest there be in any of you an evil heart of unbelief, in departing from the living God.

13 But exhort one another daily, while it is called To day; lest any of you be hardened through the deceitfulness of sin.

14 For we are made partakers of Christ, if we hold the beginning of our confidence stedfast unto the end;"

I have no coherent model of salvation that explains how it works in every possible situation because none seems to exist. It's why there is such a huge debate on the subject in the first place. I've read a whole lot of websites and books on how different people believe salvation works. None of them were able to explain everything in a way that was perfectly coherent in logic under every situation. At least not to me, but the simple idea of abiding in Christ until the end is the most consistent with a Bible filled with warnings of not falling away, repenting of sin and enduring to the end instead of warning's all over the bible to make people sure they were saved in the first place.

Second, your worldview is a mess and that is reflected by your priorities. By worldview I mean: the network of beliefs in various areas (religion, politics, philosophy, history, etc). that together form the framework of your outlook and approach to the world around you. Odd as this may seem, your bizarre perversions just aren't that important in light of the fact that the civilized western world as we know it is falling apart and your fixation on yourself is just a demonstration of either ignorance or lack of concern. You are a casualty of globalhomo clown world, but you don't have to be.

I don't really understand this as I thought red pill was about fixing yourself and not women or the world. But I am not ignorant it's just there's no way to counter what the international elite world order is doing to western civilization. They own the corporate press and are making fast progress toward controlling the internet with AI powered by quantum computers. Morals are falling apart because no fault divorce blew up around half of family's and rewarded one gender for gaming the system to such an extreme that the other finds porn, one night stands and prostitution more appealing than marriage to a self righteous harpy that says things like "men are trash" everyday.

[–]helaughsinhidden1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

What I believe about salvation is that it's conditional.

So, kind of. It's based on the condition that you either are or are not predestined for salvation according to Romans 9, Ephesians 1, John 6, and others. Scripture is actually really clear that it is God that does the chosing, the Holy Spirit that does the regeneration and gives us faith as an irrevocable gift, and that we are sealed until the day of redemption and nothing can separate us from the love of God.

I don't know everything and doubt myself, but free will exist in humans most of all for this reason.

Ok, if you have free will in terms of salvation, just try to stop believing in God right now. See how much free will you have in the matter. I am not kidding, give it a try and see what happens. Faith didn't come from your intellectual decision to believe in a thing you cannot see and cannot comprehend that goes against the popular opinion of the world.

If salvation was unconditional then God has no standards for future behavior at all or free will in humans doesn't actually exist.

Ah, you have an interesting thought, what is the standard and what is the consequence for not meeting those standards. First of all, let's look at the law itself. What is the purpose of it? Does God benefit if you do what is righteous? No, you can't help Him, benefit Him, or make Him greater in anyway by being obedient. The entirety of the LAW, both before and after Christ died and rose, is to benefit you. Every commandment is for our benefit, our blessing and to keep us from harm and curses. The law is an expression of love for us.

What happens when we transgress? Well, harm of course. If you sin, say cheat on your wife or look at porn, you are harming yourself and your wife and doing so at Christs expense. Sin will still have it's consequences and sin and it's harm on us will continue until we die. As Paul says, I do the things I don't want to do and don't do the things I want to. He's talking about how he was still subject to the broken world and still is dying to himself daily to fight sin. The eternal consequence of hell has been dealt with, but we are not yet perfect and still suffer due to the nature of the flesh until Christ's return when we are go be given a new glorified sinless body and be done with this one.

[–]GinoMan24402 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

I don't think you've ever been a Christian. But don't downvote me or get offended or even stop reading until I explain what I mean. I first want you to know that that is not the blasphemy of the Holy Spirit. If you read the verse in context, Jesus had just been accused by the pharisees of casting out demons by a demonic force. That's when he tells them about a house divided against itself cannot stand, and then says that blasphemy of the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven. The blasphemy of the Holy Spirit is attributing demonic activity to the very person of the trinity who brings about regeneration, and only those who have hearts of stone and will never repent can do it. That's not you. Let me explain.

The reason I don't think you've ever been a Christian is that you've "prayed the sinner's prayer" and yet you're extremely guilty of your sin. But that's not how one actually becomes a Christian. It's certainly popular among evangelicals, but it's just not how it works. I think what you're experiencing, this guilt and shame and fear, is the enemy lying to you. A lot of people miss the gospel because they believe these lies. There's good news though:

The fact that you are ashamed and sorrowful over your sins is the first step, but only the first step, of something God, by his Holy Spirit, whom you've been lied to into thinking you've blasphemed, does in you to convert you. The actual way that someone becomes a Christian is that they change the way they think and act, or rather, God changes their thinking which changes their behavior. God has taken away your heart of stone and given you a heart of flesh, to experience the anguish of how your sin grieves him. If he hated you, or had given up on you, or had never known you, he would not have done that.

So what should you do? Well, let's talk about the worst sin in all of history: The Crucifixion. In Acts 2, the Spirit falls on the believers at Pentecost. And then they go into the town square and being speaking the gospel in the native language of the peoples who are there. But who are these people, well, Peter gets up and begins preaching and identifies them as the ones who had crucified Christ. Pause, how did they? If we go back to the gospel accounts, we see that there is a crowd outside of I believe Pilate's Palace, and Pilate is offering them a choice, save Jesus? or Barabbas, and to his shock, they chose the serial murderer Barabbas. They then cried out about the choice to crucify Christ, "May his blood (a form of serious guilt) be upon us and upon our children". These were the people Peter preached to. And now the were hearing the gospel and seeing the fulfillment of Joel 2. So then they asked "what must we do to be saved?" And Peter tells them not "Nothing, You're going to hell and there's nothing you can do about it because you committed the worst sin ever", No, he told them this: Repent and be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ.

Repentance is what God is calling you towards. He doesn't hate you, he loves you. You know how I know he loves you? "For God loved the world like this: He gave his one of a kind Son that all the believers in him will not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his son into that world to condemn the world, but so that that world would not perish but have eternal life." - John 3:16-17, translation mine. You believe. I know because none of what you posted makes any sense for an unbeliever to post.

So let's start over from the beginning with God: Get alone, in a quiet space, And just say aloud everything you're convicted of, all the sin that is weighing you down, and then think about how you are going to, no matter how painful, work to prevent yourself from doing them again, and tell God of your sorrow and ask for forgiveness. You don't need to beg, or plead, "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness". You can "approach the throne of grace with confidence" because of Christ. If you need an accountability partner to keep after your internet history, then find one. Attend a local church, I recommend reformed churches because I myself am reformed, but even if not, find a solid biblical church. Get baptized and and as you are plunged into the water, know that because of God's doing, you have been forgiven, your sins are washed away, you are now his child and not an orphan, and you have the perfect righteousness of Christ. Tell all of this to God, that you are sorry and that you need his help, you need his working in you to turn away from all of your sin. God promises in scripture that he will do that, and that promise IS for you.

And when you mess up, and give in, not if, when, recognize that you are not suddenly lost, God has not suddenly turned his back on you, in fact, he knew and planned for that failure ahead of time to work his holiness into you. Turn around and confess that sin to God and KNOW that you are forgiven and free because God has made it so, even as you struggle.

One last thing, you need to understand, Hebrews 10 is in reference to a Jew who goes back to offering sacrifices in the temple as if Christ's once for all sacrifice were not enough. That's not you either. The enemy would love to see you broken down without hope but he is a liar and the father of lies. Lying is his native language. And I think the more you read God's word and get his promises into your spirit and better yet, memorize the scriptures so you can say them to yourself out loud and meditate on them when you get that negative thought about being unforgiveable, the better able to overcome it you will be. So I have a couple scriptures I want you to memorize:

"Therefore, now having been declared righteous by faith, we have complete harmony and restored relationship with God through our Lord Jesus Christ" - Romans 5:1 translation mine

"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ" - Romans 8:1

I know this next one is long, but I think when you really get the meaning of it in your soul, it's hugely empowering:

"And we know that God works all things together for good for those who love him, who are called according to his will. And those whom he knew before creation he also predestined to be conformed into the image of Christ that Christ would be the firstborn among many brothers, and those whom he predestined he also called, those whom he called he also justified, declared righteous, and those whom he justified he also glorified. What shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us. He who didn't even spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with Him freely give us all things? Who can bring a legal accusation before God against God's chosen ones? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died, moreover who was raised, who is sitting at the right hand of the Father interceding on our behalf." - Romans 8:28-34

I pray that even if you can't memorize all of these, that at least you will read them and get them into your spirit, that is, that you internalize your belief in them and recognize that the enemy can't accuse you, your sins have already been nailed to the cross. You cannot be condemned anymore, God has already slammed the gavel saying "Innocent! Righteous! *bang* *bang* *bang* Case dismissed with prejudice!"

So what are you waiting for? Go to God and confess your sin, ask for forgiveness, resolve to put a stop to them by God's grace, and know for a fact, on the word of the one who cannot lie and who justifies the ungodly, that you are forgiven and righteous, then go get baptized and join a church. Ask the pastor to put an older more mature Christian in your life to disciple you. God will move into your life and conform you to the image of Christ. And that is better than any vore or anger or drug or anything else you struggle with. And know that you'll be in the prayers of most of us who read your post. There's no magic prayer, you just gotta turn to Christ and believe him when he tells you "There is therefore now no condemnation".

[–]Torn4_025[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I don't think you've ever been a Christian. But don't downvote me or get offended or even stop reading until I explain what I mean.

I've thought the same thing about myself countless times so there's no way I could get offended about someone else doubting my salvation when I have written such a sin filled post.

And when you mess up, and give in, not if, when, recognize that you are not suddenly lost, God has not suddenly turned his back on you, in fact, he knew and planned for that failure ahead of time to work his holiness into you. Turn around and confess that sin to God and KNOW that you are forgiven and free because God has made it so, even as you struggle.

This has been an issue I have struggled with for many years now. Thought I got over it, but my recent sins caused me to think "Would anyone believe I'm a Christian if they knew what I did the night before coming into Church". I mean sure porn is always sin, but not many guy's could attest to having a sexual interest that was so far away from the design and moral values of what God created sexual desire for within a marriage.

Thankfully comments here and what you have said helped me see around this and I now believe it's possible for me to be forgiven.

So what are you waiting for? Go to God and confess your sin, ask for forgiveness, resolve to put a stop to them by God's grace, and know for a fact, on the word of the one who cannot lie and who justifies the ungodly, that you are forgiven and righteous, then go get baptized and join a church.

I prayed after reading a number of comments including yours and it really helped me get on track. I am putting my trust in God that he overcomes sin and forgives those that repent.

[–]Deep_Strength1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

I have a post on porn that applies to your situation.

https://deepstrength.wordpress.com/2018/12/27/fighting-the-pornography-habit/

I was addicted to porn in the past for over 10+ years. This is what helped me break those habits.

Ephesians 4:20 That, however, is not the way of life you learned 21 when you heard about Christ and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. 22 You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; 23 to be made new in the attitude of your minds; 24 and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

Becoming more holy is not just “taking off the old” but “putting on the new” too.

Jesus notes what happens when you only try to “take off the old”:

Matthew 12:43 “When an impure spirit comes out of a person, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. 44 Then it says, ‘I will return to the house I left.’ When it arrives, it finds the house unoccupied, swept clean and put in order. 45 Then it goes and takes with it seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that person is worse than the first. That is how it will be with this wicked generation.”

If the ‘house’ is empty and not filled with godliness, it’s going to be easier to fall back into temptation.

One of the reasons why “putting on the new” works so well is because you’re focused on doing what is right. If you continually think about temptation–not looking at porn, you’re actually continually tempting yourself because your mind is focused on it. When you continually tempt yourself, it’s easy to fall into temptation.

Obviously, we are to also flee from temptation, but what should we flee to? Doing what is right.

So to sum up, here are some things to consider for putting on the new:

  • What is your mission for God? Are you actively working toward it?
  • Are you engaging in more spiritual disciplines to grow your faith? Reading your Bible, prayer, meditation, fasting, etc.?
  • What are your spiritual gifts? How are you using them in the Church?
  • What can you do to serve or lead in ministries at the Church?
  • How can you be more involved in sharing your faith or living out your faith?
  • Other ways to be disciplined such as working out, having a disciplined diet, and things like these can also help improve your self control and your temple of the Holy Spirit too.

There are things that many Christians are simply not doing or not doing enough. Christians are called not to be solely hearers of the word but doers. What are the “do-ing” things of living out your faith? Start actively doing them.

You're basically falling into the classic trap of trying to "kill the sin" without actually doing what Jesus commanded us Christians to do. If you're so focused on killing the sin, you're pretty much dwelling on the sin which is going to make you obsess over it more and you're eventually going to stumble.

You need to explicitly FLEE from the sin, but also start doing what God has commanded us to do as Christians. You'll find that as you put on the new through many of the bullet points, it becomes much easier to flee temptation (you may still fall, but it gets better over time). Most people don't have a sudden conversion, so the process of doing it can take a while but it does happen if you are focused on serving Christ.

[–]Torn4_025[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

I've been reading the bible and going to Church more consistently in the last 3 month's than I have in the past. There's been no lasting change in how often I sin or anything else really. If anything it's becoming worse and I honestly think trying to share my faith now would be counter productive.

I'll keep on trying though because I have no idea what else can even work and it's what God wants from me anyways. So thanks for the link as it might give me some things I didn't think of before.

[–]Deep_Strength0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

I've been reading the bible and going to Church more consistently in the last 3 month's than I have in the past. There's been no lasting change in how often I sin or anything else really. If anything it's becoming worse and I honestly think trying to share my faith now would be counter productive.

There's been no lasting change because just going to Church and reading your Bible are the bare minimum. Probably even less than the minimum. Lots of people who call themselves Christian go to Church and occasionally read their Bible but don't actively participate in God's mission in Matthew 28: Make disciples of all nations.

What's your mission for God? Gifts of the Spirit? How are you utilizing them to love and serve others?

You don't necessarily have to share your faith, but you should be a do-er of the Word.

[–]Torn4_025[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I haven't figured out a mission yet and I don't know what my gift's of the Spirit are. Right now I'm lucky to interact with someone outside my house much less engage them enough to serve or love them in any way. So I don't know how I am to do more than pray, read the Bible and go to Church at the moment.

[–]Deep_Strength0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Right now I'm lucky to interact with someone outside my house much less engage them enough to serve or love them in any way.

2 Corinthians 12:7 Because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, for this reason, to keep me from exalting myself, there was given me a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to [b]torment me—to keep me from exalting myself! 8 Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me. 9 And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast [c]about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. 10 Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with [d]insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.

Our weaknesses are strengths in Christ. That's why the Holy Spirit is a helper. He gives us strength to do what we cannot on our own.

go to Church at the moment.

Get involved. Focus on your strengths and see where you can volunteer in a ministry. Ask a pastor where they need help.

[–]AlanNoles1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

I would also add (as porn is something I have struggled with myself) that having outside people hold you accountable IMO is useless.

I caved this morning and watched porn. Before I was married (growing up) I watched porn 3-4 times a day as well at times. As well as the comments above, I fully agree with having fear in the lord to hold you back from sin.

Over the past two weeks I have had two dreams of me watching porn. Although it was not real life the grip is still that strong. For about a month I had no impulse or really any thought about it but it crept in by the ways listed above.

And this is coming from a man who has sex at least three times a week. It is a strong addiction and hard to get past. I can say though that if I do cave it’s normally after about a 30 day period. Not trying to put an exact number to it it is just the pattern I have noticed.

I think the number one thing is to not beat yourself up for it. The devil has definitely been messing with my mind today about it but that is the game he plays.

Repentance and not beating yourself up (when not if) you fail IMO is the number one thing.

Coming in with the new is something that will happen over time as as a healthy relationship with god grows (Fear and Love).

[–]Torn4_025[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I would also add (as porn is something I have struggled with myself) that having outside people hold you accountable IMO is useless.

I remember years ago I tried an accountability group for porn at a Church my friend went to and that didn't work at all. He felt like I was the gold standard based on what I was willing to confess during the meetings. Now I wish that I didn't lie and omit so much of the truth. Like telling them I looked a picture of a girl in a swimsuit once that week while leaving out hour's worth dare videos of clothed girls eating creature's alive because in my twisted mind I told myself it wasn't "actually" porn because no one other than me could masturbate to it.

Over the past two weeks I have had two dreams of me watching porn. Although it was not real life the grip is still that strong. For about a month I had no impulse or really any thought about it but it crept in by the ways listed above.

And this is coming from a man who has sex at least three times a week. It is a strong addiction and hard to get past. I can say though that if I do cave it’s normally after about a 30 day period. Not trying to put an exact number to it it is just the pattern I have noticed.

I guess most guy's couldn't picture wanting to watch porn if they had sex at least 3 times a week with an attractive wife, but I could since my unnatural sexual desire can't be satisfied with normal intercourse. It's one of the things I've worried about in the event I somehow get married.

I think the number one thing is to not beat yourself up for it. The devil has definitely been messing with my mind today about it but that is the game he plays.

Repentance and not beating yourself up (when not if) you fail IMO is the number one thing.

Coming in with the new is something that will happen over time as as a healthy relationship with god grows (Fear and Love).

I've beat and hated myself for long enough. It's been counter productive to doing what is actually right. I need to focus on my new future instead of my old past. What you said here helped me realize that and so I thank you for that.

[–]Rifleshoot0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

What’s your life like outside of these other thing? Do you have a job? What is your mission in life? It’s hard to maintain an addiction to porn when you have other things occupying your thoughts and your energies. I have my own porn addiction, and while it’s still not resolved (I caved this past weekend, in fact), it’s draw is very much diminished, largely as a result of this community. I used to look at some form of porn at least 2 or 3 times a day, usually more. Since committing myself to getting my life in order, that’s gone down to maybe once per month. It’s no longer a priority. And the times that I do fall victim to the temptation, it’s because I’m bored and have nothing else to do. So what do you do? You find something worthwhile.

What are you doing for work? What hobbies are you doing in your spare time? Since you are single, what are you doing to meet women? You don’t have to have pre-marital sex to go out and work on your pickup technique. Your porn use is due to a lack of confidence and ambition. Get out and do something with yourself.

As far as the content of the porn you watch, God doesn’t discriminate. It’s all sin to him. Vore, Skinemax, or tranny midgets nude wrestling, it’s all the same sin. Christ is willing to forgive, but you must truly love Him. Belief in Christ and His divinity is not enough. Even Satan and the demons of Hell know that Christ is Lord, but they hate Him for it. You must love Christ with all of your heart and soul. Once you do, sanctification will take place. It’s not an instant process, but it will take place.

You are going to mess up. And you are going to despise yourself when you do. Pray to God and beg His forgiveness when you do. It’s painful coming before God, sin laid bare, begging His forgiveness. You don’t want to admit to what you have done out of shame and guilt, but you have to push past that and do it anyway. Confess your sins to God and beg His forgiveness. He already knows your sins, He wants to see you take ownership of your sinful nature. Remember that the man that says “Lord, have mercy on me, a poor sinner” walks away more justified to the Lord than the priest that believes himself a righteous man.

[–]Torn4_025[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

What are you doing for work? What hobbies are you doing in your spare time? Since you are single, what are you doing to meet women? You don’t have to have pre-marital sex to go out and work on your pickup technique. Your porn use is due to a lack of confidence and ambition. Get out and do something with yourself.

Been out of work for a little over a month. My hobbies are things like chess, stock market trading and video games. I've never really done anything to meet women and have never tried picking one up. I am very socially passive and socializing often isn't comfortable for me at all.

As far as the content of the porn you watch, God doesn’t discriminate. It’s all sin to him. Vore, Skinemax, or tranny midgets nude wrestling, it’s all the same sin. Christ is willing to forgive, but you must truly love Him. Belief in Christ and His divinity is not enough. Even Satan and the demons of Hell know that Christ is Lord, but they hate Him for it. You must love Christ with all of your heart and soul. Once you do, sanctification will take place. It’s not an instant process, but it will take place.

I thought I loved Christ and I still do, but it's never enough. The exact point of my post is that I don't have faith in Christ to forgive everything I am. I can't live in sin and enter the kingdom of heaven. Death is the wage of sin and I can't quit choosing sin over God. I've tried confessing all my sin and telling God I surrender all of it, but it's not enough.

You are going to mess up. And you are going to despise yourself when you do. Pray to God and beg His forgiveness when you do. It’s painful coming before God, sin laid bare, begging His forgiveness. You don’t want to admit to what you have done out of shame and guilt, but you have to push past that and do it anyway. Confess your sins to God and beg His forgiveness. He already knows your sins, He wants to see you take ownership of your sinful nature. Remember that the man that says “Lord, have mercy on me, a poor sinner” walks away more justified to the Lord than the priest that believes himself a righteous man.

I really have confessed to God and begged to be forgiven, but it's not enough when I can't make progress. What's been most shameful to me is abusing God's forgiveness while stuck in this sin. I know it's my fault and that somehow I need to quit.

[–]Rifleshoot0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

If socializing isn’t comfortable for you, then that’s what you need to work on. Go out to a bar and just strike up casual conversations with men and women alike. It doesn’t matter what you talk about, just the act of socializing will help. Take real, concrete steps to change your life. Post in the weekly OYS to track your progress. It goes up every Wednesday. Make a conscious effort to improve your life.

[–]Torn4_025[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I really hate trying to socialize, but it's a useful skill in life so I need to fix it. I don't like going to bars as my past experiences with them have been dreadful. I did post in the weekly OYS before this and just posted a new one. I've been making conscious efforts to improve my life it's just been kind of on fire in not such a cool way.

[–]NoFaithInThisSub 1 points [recovered]  (2 children) | Copy

If I went in for professional help for my vore fetish they wouldn't know what to tell me other than to accept it. I believe only God could fix it, but so far praying to be free of this sexual sin hasn't worked. So I am starting to think taking medication to suppress my sex drive might be the only way to deal with this.

You need someone to cast out these demons and break generational curses. Not everything can be solved with reading, praying and fasting.

Get your pastor to pray for you, lay hands and cast it out, or someone with rank in the spirit. You in the USA?

[–]Torn4_025[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I'm in the US and have talked with a number of pastor's about demons. They all seem to think they don't actually exist, only possess people in places outside the USA or that only those practicing witchcraft is at risk from demons.

So I have no idea where I could even find someone that knows anything about it in real life.

[–]Willow-girl0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

12-step program, Sex Addicts Anonymous. And actually work the program.

[–]ride_the_thunder2800 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Hey man, you've received some good counsel. Here are some additional thoughts:

(1) You are not beyond salvation.

You quoted Matthew 12:31-32: "And so I tell you, every kind of sin and slander can be forgiven, but blasphemy against the Spirit will not be forgiven. Anyone who speaks a word against the Son of Man will be forgiven, but anyone who speaks against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven, either in this age or in the age to come."

Your post primarily focuses on the second verse, but go back and look at the first verse (in bold above). This is a really complex verse, but just by looking at it, we can know the following: (a) Jesus said "every kind of sin and slander can be forgiven"; he then goes on to say (b) "but blasphemy against the Spirit will not be forgiven."

So if part (a) is true - and as Christians, we believe that it must be, since Jesus said it - then "blasphemy against the Spirit" must be somehow different than "sin and slander" - because we know that "every kind of sin and slander can be forgiven." John Piper has an article on this in which he says - much more eloquently - that blasphemy against the Spirit must be hardening your heart to the point where you are not capable of true repentance. Link: https://www.desiringgod.org/messages/beyond-forgiveness-blasphemy-against-the-spirit .

Based on your post, it really does not seem like you are beyond repentance. Therefore, if Piper is right, you are not beyond forgiveness and salvation. I strongly encourage you to read that article.

(2) Again, nothing you said has put you beyond salvation.

To be technical, your statement was not actually against the Holy Spirit, but rather was against God the Father: "Then one day came where I just couldn't take it anymore and with my tongue I claimed God lied about the Holy Spirit." The statement you made is that God the Father spoke a lie about the Holy Spirit. You don't actually say anything against the Holy Spirit.

Consider this example. Let's say that your grandfather died before you were born, and your father always told you that your grandfather had been a war hero who won the Medal of Honor. You take great pride in your grandfather, and do your best to live up to his example. One day, you find your grandfather's official military records, and it turns out, he was a cook who never the left the base, and didn't receive any awards, much less the Medal of Honor.

You then say to your father: "Dad, you always told me Grandpa won a Medal of Honor in the war, but I found his military records. Turns out he never left the base. Dad, you lied about Grandpa." That statement is not against your grandfather. Your grandfather didn't do anything wrong - in terms of how his military service impacted you, your grandfather did nothing at all. Instead, your statement is against your father's character - you are saying that he lied.

The reason I bring that up is that Jesus also says "Anyone who speaks a word against the Son of Man will be forgiven, but anyone who speaks against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven . . . ." He doesn't specifically address speaking against God the Father, but the only unforgivable action listed is speaking against the Holy Spirit. As explained above, that's not what you did.

You spoke against God the Father by saying that He lied. But that's just expressing doubt about the truth of God's promises, which (while still a sin) is perhaps the most common sin that humanity commits. Just look at the Israelites during the journey from Egypt to the Promised Land. Look at what Job says in the latter part of that book. Look at how Abraham and Sarah reacted when God told them that they would have a child.

If expressing doubt about the truth of God the Father's promises were an unforgivable sin, then pretty much all of humanity would be doomed. Luckily, that is NOT the situation humanity faces. Instead, "God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life." John 3:16.

You are not beyond salvation. As u/OsmiumZulu said, your theology is underdeveloped. In the OYS post, it said you are reading Romans. Good - keep reading.

(3) Look for professional help from a Christian counselor. If they are really a Christian, they aren't going to tell you to just accept it.

(4) You are socially isolated and need to fill your life.

As others pointed out, you need to fill your life. You are spending too much time in your own head, and you are spending too much time alone, in an environment where you can give in to temptation. Proverbs 27:17 says that, "As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another." Flee from your temptations and fill your life with other people - especially mature Christian guys.

  • You need to move out. Find a job - it doesn't have to be your dream job, but find something that will get you out of the house and pays something. It's always easier to find the job you want if you are working somewhere.
  • Find some Christian guys who need a roommate and move in with them.
  • Keep going to church. Find a mature Christian man to disciple you.
  • Find a Christian guy who is jacked and ask if you can workout with him. Show up to the gym when he says to be there and do what he says.
  • Take some BJJ classes.
  • If your new roommates are cool with it, adopt a dog that needs a home.
  • Find a Christian ministry that needs volunteers and get involved. Obviously, be careful that you don't put yourself in a situation where you are going to be exposed to greater sexual temptation.

(5) Be patient with the sanctification process, and be encouraged.

The Apostle Paul - who probably did more to spread the Gospel than anyone except Jesus Himself - did not immediately stop sinning - even after Jesus appeared to him in person when Paul (then Saul) was traveling on the road to Damascus! Instead, Paul did great good despite continuing to struggle with sin.

But he found a reason for hope. Look at Romans Chapter 7:15-25:

"For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. . . . For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!"

Brother, I pray that God, through Jesus Christ our Lord, will likewise deliver you.

[–]Torn4_025[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Thank you very much for your detailed reply. After reading it and spending time in prayer it's helped me a whole lot.

Hey man, you've received some good counsel. Here are some additional thoughts:

(1) You are not beyond salvation.

You quoted Matthew 12:31-32: "And so I tell you, every kind of sin and slander can be forgiven, but blasphemy against the Spirit will not be forgiven. Anyone who speaks a word against the Son of Man will be forgiven, but anyone who speaks against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven, either in this age or in the age to come."

Your post primarily focuses on the second verse, but go back and look at the first verse (in bold above). This is a really complex verse, but just by looking at it, we can know the following: (a) Jesus said "every kind of sin and slander can be forgiven"; he then goes on to say (b) "but blasphemy against the Spirit will not be forgiven."

So if part (a) is true - and as Christians, we believe that it must be, since Jesus said it - then "blasphemy against the Spirit" must be somehow different than "sin and slander" - because we know that "every kind of sin and slander can be forgiven." John Piper has an article on this in which he says - much more eloquently - that blasphemy against the Spirit must be hardening your heart to the point where you are not capable of true repentance. Link: https://www.desiringgod.org/messages/beyond-forgiveness-blasphemy-against-the-spirit .

Based on your post, it really does not seem like you are beyond repentance. Therefore, if Piper is right, you are not beyond forgiveness and salvation. I strongly encourage you to read that article.

(2) Again, nothing you said has put you beyond salvation.

To be technical, your statement was not actually against the Holy Spirit, but rather was against God the Father: "Then one day came where I just couldn't take it anymore and with my tongue I claimed God lied about the Holy Spirit." The statement you made is that God the Father spoke a lie about the Holy Spirit. You don't actually say anything against the Holy Spirit.

I guess part of me needed someone to be technical as I wasn't likely going to believe I could be forgiven until understanding the topic better. That article was the best one I've ever read on the subject of unforgivable sin against the Holy Spirit. Really I thank you for taking the time to write this and explain it.

(3) Look for professional help from a Christian counselor. If they are really a Christian, they aren't going to tell you to just accept it.

My last experience with a Church counselor got kind of weird, but I might try again.

(4) You are socially isolated and need to fill your life.

As others pointed out, you need to fill your life. You are spending too much time in your own head, and you are spending too much time alone, in an environment where you can give in to temptation. Proverbs 27:17 says that, "As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another." Flee from your temptations and fill your life with other people - especially mature Christian guys.

You need to move out. Find a job - it doesn't have to be your dream job, but find something that will get you out of the house and pays something. It's always easier to find the job you want if you are working somewhere.

Find some Christian guys who need a roommate and move in with them.

Keep going to church. Find a mature Christian man to disciple you.

Find a Christian guy who is jacked and ask if you can workout with him. Show up to the gym when he says to be there and do what he says.

Take some BJJ classes.

If your new roommates are cool with it, adopt a dog that needs a home.

Find a Christian ministry that needs volunteers and get involved. Obviously, be careful that you don't put yourself in a situation where you are going to be exposed to greater sexual temptation.

I already got a job lined up pending security checks that pays the same as the other one did. So I'll just rent a place to myself at some point because I don't know anyone other than my step sister that wants to be roommates. Guess I could ask my pastor if he still hits the gym and go with him since he's one of the most jacked Christians I know in real life. Taking BJJ classes sounds like a good idea, but I am not a dog person so adopting one wouldn't be good for me.

(5) Be patient with the sanctification process, and be encouraged.

The Apostle Paul - who probably did more to spread the Gospel than anyone except Jesus Himself - did not immediately stop sinning - even after Jesus appeared to him in person when Paul (then Saul) was traveling on the road to Damascus! Instead, Paul did great good despite continuing to struggle with sin.

But he found a reason for hope. Look at Romans Chapter 7:15-25:

"For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. . . . For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!"

Brother, I pray that God, through Jesus Christ our Lord, will likewise deliver you.

Patience isn't something I have been good about when it comes to God. I keep on thinking stuff like: "Why doesn't God just kill this sin if he wants good to win over evil" and that makes it harder for me to believe sanctification is taking place. This is something I will just need to put aside and trust God shall keep his promises on his time instead of mine. Harder practiced in faith than said, but that's clearly what I need to do.

Really I thank you for the suggestions and everything you have written here. It was very helpful and removed the doubt I had about if I could be forgiven or not.

[–]ride_the_thunder2800 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I'm really glad that article helped with your doubts about salvation.

And it's hard to be patient with our own sin while we are both pursuing and waiting on the process of sanctification. But it's encouraging to remember that our sin is not a barrier to God loving us. See Romans 5:8: "But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

That's great about the job! If you get it, do your very best (per Colossians 3:23) and it will likely either work out or lead to another job that is a better fit.

And if your pastor is jacked, definitely ask to workout with him. I have always made big improvements in the weight room when lifting with dudes who were stronger than me. As Proverbs says, "iron sharpens iron," and when my buddy puts more iron on the bar, well, I'm going to try and do the same. Plus, if your workout buddy is a mature Christian, then you will also make spiritual gains.

In terms of finding Christian guys to live with, ask around at your local church and check out some online resources (like this: http://www.christianroommates.com/). Right after I finished college, I had a roommate who was a Christian grad student. That guy was a lot more mature in his faith than I was, and living with him helped me a lot.

You are honoring God by seeking out counsel and advice from other Christians. You face some difficult obstacles that will require lots of work and prayer (like every other sinful person on this planet), but God has great plans for your life. Jeremiah 29:11: "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."



You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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