Why does he not follow through on future plans?

Lalaland_92 · 2020-11-03T20:03:31+00:00

Long distance -- we've made two trips to see eachother...... Calling every day, talking for hours. Says he wants to see me again -- the whole nine. But,...

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Well he's told you. I mean it sucks to hear but there isn't one person on this sub who hasn't felt that visceral sense of rejection. I once flew 18 hours on a flight to visit my bf in another country and he dumped me the moment I got off the plane cause he wanted to do it 'in person.' Yep.

I know you want him to prove to you that it could work because you're so great, but you're great with or without this dude. You're great anyway. You seem super caring, open to opinions, and you are being kind to people telling you what you probably don't want to hear. These are amazing qualities.

This dude is not for you.

One will be one day if you decide that. But for now all you can do it pick up your 👑 and keep it moving. Maybe the right dude for you is out there waiting for you in the future at a board meeting you're at, or at the graduation of a course you've always wanted to do or maybe you'll meet him on a holiday you're taking after you learn that language you've always wanted too. But he will be a step on your path, not your path.

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I know we want to believe that everyone has good intentions and also we have pride in believing that we are good people who can choose other good people.

I'm sure like a lot of us you were taught to give people second chances and not to judge because you wouldn't want people judging you. I know I was taught that everyone deserves benefit of the doubt.

But it doesn't work that way. It just doesn't. This is why we must never let ourselves down. We must learn to become so strong in ourselves that it doesn't matter if someone has super good explanations (which arent ever) or has a mixed feelings or can't communicate or has a million excuses and just needs time.... we need to cut that off.

If you feel mean or bitchy "hurting their feelings" you might need to get a candle or something else and wish them well to the universe after blocking. You come first. That might be kind of scary to you cause maybe you don't think you're amazing. Incorrect.

What separates you from women you admire are just a set of experiences and learning. That's it. You can learn and then have experiences. Maybe they have experienced being a ballroom dancer and you can't dance or feel intimidated. You've always wanted too though. Cool. You have youtube. Time to start learning. Start saving for a few lessons maybe. Check out your local ballroom group. Hell yeah it's scary! But that is the only way you're going to grow.

I was 30 when I went to community college after work maths classes because I was ashamed of how bad I was at it. Yeah. 30. No regrets and it gave me the confidence to go to uni and do maths classes. It isn't easy. Ive had panic attacks and ibs attacks before new things. But we can anyway.

To be accomplished you're going to occasionally have to feel like youre looking stupid.

This dude aint it but in your gut didnt you already know that?

You've got this. :)

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Truth. and i know he's been an asshole to many, many girls. He verbatim told me I'm the first girl hes actually cared about in a decade but he knows the distance wouldnt work and thats why he isnt pursuing things further. He also told me he didnt want a girlfriend right now while he goes all-in on this new job at a company across the country - so I understood these things. I kept my expectations in check, dated guys in MY city, and kept the lines of communication open with him because talking to him made me happy and he said the same thing.

that being said - i just cant wrap my head around how you can enjoy talking to someone, think they're beautiful, smart, kind, etc. (all the qualities he said he feels about me) and then not want to be with them because of "distance" yet still not see them when you're in the same place..

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[–]Lalaland_921 point 5 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

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Again, does it matter if distance was the true reason? Or if it's just a lie to cover up for something else? It still has the same effect that he doesn't want to be with you.

A example from my life. My ex refused to see me during Covid. I spent a lot of time worrying that this was his way of rejecting/ghosting me. My therapist tried to help me reframe the situation to rationalize that this was a result of his own health anxiety and that his fears were legit (and had nothing to do with me). As the months wore on, he refused to budge on his stance even when I proposed safe options. It got to a point where it stopped mattering to me what his reason was because if he were trying to ghost me or not able to get over his own anxiety - I wasn't seeing the person I was in a relationship with and he was making no effort to meet me in the middle.

I think closure is a myth. You're not always going to get it at the end of a relationship. In his own mind, he may not even truly know why he doesn't want to be with you. Regardless, accept things for being ambiguous and do the work to move on. It's a skill that will serve you well in life.

[–]Lalaland_921 point 5 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

[–][deleted]1 point 5 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

Did you see my comment about Taylor Swift and Beyonce? Two beautiful, multi-millionaires? It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. I used to think that any man would be so grateful to be in my presence that he'd never do me wrong because I'm, well, amazing. Not true. Don't someone's inability to see your worth as a reflection on your worth.

You can start by believing the things he said about you yourself (you're beautiful, kind, smart, funny, whatever it is that makes you you). Building up your own self-esteem will help you tremendously in your next relationship and will make you more discriminating so you don't get into another situation like this.

The only way you move on is by moving on. Take it day by day. The first two weeks of our break up were absolutely horrible. I couldn't sleep or eat. But slowly it got better. I told myself that I was saving myself from a life time of misery and feeling put down. The initial pain of a break up is always going to acute and strong However, a short period of strong pain is so much better than the soul-crushing, slow-burning pain you feel in a shitty relationship.

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im the first girl he claimed he has actually liked in a decade

Girl.

Stop.

He lied to you. He is lying to you. He will continue to lie to you. He will tell you whatever he needs to say in order to keep you hanging on a string in reserve.

There is nothing confusing about this. You are confusing yourself because you refuse to accept that you're not this man's dream girl. You'd rather think you're the only girl he's ever loved, than believe that he's just another LVM.

What he's doing is hurtful and awful, but it's not confusing - it's bog-standard LVM behavior. There's nothing new or interesting or ground-breaking with what he's doing. It's not about sex or no sex, it's about him needing to feel like he has you under his thumb, under his spell.

You're giving him a lot of power over you by letting yourself pretend to be confused about what's happening here.

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There is no such thing as "he is afraid of actually getting close because he knows the long distance isn't going to work."

Stop making freud-level psychological theory excuses to save your ego. Don't let men make those same excuses to keep your hopes up while he strings you along.

When a guy flakes on going to see you its because he doesn't want to see you. When he doesn't put in the effort to woo you, its because he thinks wooing you is not worth the effort. When he doesn't act that into you, its because he's just not that into you. Period. Men are not complex rubics cubes you need to labor over in order to figure out. Men, when they want to be, are VERY easy to read with their intentions.

Your stress, frustration and confusion level will drop to zero when you stop trying to gaslight yourself with conspiracy theories as to why your crush isn't acting right. That peace of mind is worth the short term disappointment of knowing a guy just isn't that into you.

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Title	Why does he not follow through on future plans?
Author	Lalaland_92
Upvotes	8
Comments	85
Date	November 3, 2020 8:03 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/jnhnv6/why_does_he_not_follow_through_on_future_plans/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/why-does-he-not-follow-through-on-future-plans.326993 https://theredarchive.com/post/326993

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