Resources for avoidant/anxious attachment styles

cyberggsta1_ · 2020-11-25T20:28:19+00:00

First step, be conscious of it

Ill-Pineapple-9079 · 2020-11-25T20:43:31+00:00

I've been in a similar situation, just that I was the one with the anxious attachment style. I read a book which helped me understand the dynamics of my relationships as I was clueless but felt that something was off. It's called Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find-and Keep- Love, by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. You should easily find the pdf online, but if you can't, I might still have it on my laptop. I used to watch a lot of YouTube videos about this topic as well, but I found them to be quite shallow. If you do that, take everything with a grain of salt, as most people are just speaking about their own experience, and yours might be different even if the dynamics seem alike.

YYCchatterbox · 2020-11-25T22:23:57+00:00

People maybe will disagree, but I think that spending too much time around locating and sifting through resources are part of the problem when it comes to avoidant/anxious attachment, and this is coming from someone who is most DEFINITELY avoidant. I will use researching the topic as an excuse to continue my avoidant behaviour. I would take notes and watch all sorts of videos and then in practice I would just think "the next person i meet I will be more courageous and self aware with" and then convince myself i'm not ready when the person is finally in front of me. I allow my fears of commitment to take over, and I start to list off all their minor faults to convince myself out of the situation. I only say this as an awareness factor as its almost funny that avoidant people use the therapeutic tools to continue to avoid the problem.

However, if you want to be effective with this... you've GOT to have a tough chat with your partner. Sit down with each other point out the areas in which the other person might be avoidant/anxious, almost like a symptom checker sheet, trade papers. Then find a space in the house/apartment to write down why you think you act a certain way and how you can work to change it. Making it collective where there is equal share of responsibility means that there isn't one person being targeted, it's both of you against the problem.

Personally I find visual resources like The School of Life (available on Youtube for free) the perfect way to get information about these topics. The videos are simple and short, animated and informative.

ddouchecanoe · 2020-11-25T21:29:05+00:00

Nice!! It can be really difficult to realize come to terms with these things so bravo to you and your SO OP!!!

The best thing you can do, aside from just noticing when you have dismissive reactions, is to learn more about attachment theory, where you insecure attachment stems from and what you can do about it.

If you have the means, you and your partner should sit down with a therapist that is experienced with attachment. Both together and individually would be best or just together if that is an option at all. I recognize that this is something that can be cost/time prohibitive and might need to be a step that it explored in the future if possible. A mental health professional with relevant experience could give you perspective about the dynamic you and your partner share, the patterns you typically engage in and they will have helpful tools that you can use to repair your attachment. This work can be done independently of a therapist, but it will take extensive effort and research on your part to locate and compile the information needed and then also the work of actually fixing things. A therapist would ease some of the burden and provide oversight/support.

The books suggested by people in your position are probably great! You can also consider seeking information from youtube. A lot of professors post their lectures on there and a lot of therapy offices provide information there as well.

It is worth noting that the attachment styles of you and your SO are conflicting a tend to reinforce the negative aspects of your styles. The preoccupied is needy, which gives the dismissive the urge to avoid which makes the preoccupied feel more insecure and it can quickly become a cycle. If you feel like this relationship is something you truly would like to continue, you and your partner will have to work very hard to recognize your patterns and step outside of them. It is typically recommend to people with these attachments, to both avoid relationships with the other attachment (specifically dismissive & preoccupied styles) and seek relationships with people who are able to securely attach.
I am not saying you should end your relationship, but your awareness of this key conflict could potentially help you and your partner achieve greater success together or make more effective choices individually if you choose to split.

blueberrypanda1 · 2020-11-25T22:12:07+00:00

Yes I know quite a bit about attachment- here are some good interviews about it:

Daniel P Brown in Bulletproof Radio

And

Paula Sacks on Attachment Disturbances in Dating

Once you understand your attachment you will pick up on patterns and be able to make much wiser choices.

milk444 · 2020-11-26T00:20:50+00:00

Look up Thais Gibson on YouTube

DeLovehlyCoconute · 2020-11-26T08:23:07+00:00

Attachment styles? Is this like co-dependency?

TranslatedSky · 2020-11-26T08:36:51+00:00

I “recovered” from an avoidant style and a huge part of it was learning to be comfortable with my deep desires, and learning to be vulnerable. Would definitely recommend Brene Brown’s book on vulnerability.

Avoidant/anxious can be a very difficult combo. Having a secure partner helps a lot but for a time I attracted anxious men a lot, and it perpetuated the cycle as I needed to be away from them. Vulnerability especially upfront and not pulling away when it matters counteracts this.

2020-11-28T17:05:08+00:00

https://www.amazon.com/How-We-Love-Expanded-Discover/dp/0735290172

Deedee554 · 2020-11-29T11:57:11+00:00

Mindfulness and meditation.

Title	Resources for avoidant/anxious attachment styles
Author	P0WERPLANTH0MER
Upvotes	27
Comments	16
Date	November 25, 2020 7:47 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/k0zdmz/resources_for_avoidantanxious_attachment_styles/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/resources-for-avoidantanxious-attachment-styles.331111 https://theredarchive.com/post/331111

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