Hi ladies - I've been meaning to write this out for a while. This post and these strategies are based on my personal experiences in 2 different long-term, committed, long distance relationships, as well as having several friends who did the same (some who ended in marriage; some in breakup). This post does NOT apply to boyfriends you met online (i.e. 'nevermets'). This post applies to someone you started dating, became exclusive with, and then for some reason the prospect of continuing as a LDR came up because either you or him had an opportunity to leave for a period of time. I will try and keep this TO THE POINT.

The main take-away is that FDS logic applies EXTRA hard -- you should be EXTRA happy in the relationship, you should be an extra HVW, and he should be - and needs to be - an extra HVM for the LDR to work.

**PART ONE: Deciding whether to do the LDR or not*\*

  • What is the reason for the long distance? The reason IS important. Vague reasons such as "for the experience", or "I always wanted to live abroad" are probably not good enough. Going to grad school, or securing a short-term internship (that is prestigious, very relevant to his career path, etc.) and happens to be abroad, is what you're looking for.
  • Is there an end in sight? This is a great criteria for determining whether the reason is valid. A 4-month, 6-month, 1-year, or even 2-year time period - such as for a semester abroad, work-study semester, internship, or grad school - might work. I have seen friends who have made such time periods work and are now married.
  • Is him simply "getting a higher paying / better job" in a different city/country a good enough reason? It really depends on so many other factors. Are there really not enough good jobs where you are? Did he look hard enough to find one closer to you? Do you want to eventually join him in that city? Etc. Trust your intuition - did he consider you? Or is he just peacing out?
  • How long should you have been dating before committing to the LDR? There's no easy answer; I would say at LEAST 6 months (of blissful love and romance!)
  • The man has to initiate the LDR. THIS IS CRUCIAL. Initiating it this way is most in line with FDS (i.e. he has to initiate the date, and choose a place, etc., - the same applies here). If you bring it up, he will later consider you and the LDR as a burden. If he simply tells you that he got a job or an internship abroad or in another city, I would interpret that and react as if he's telling you you're breaking up and the relationship is over. Stay calm, ask questions, say wow, that's too bad, I'll miss you so much, but I'm really happy for you pursuing your dreams and goals. See what he says. He has to ask you and it has to be explicit. E.g. he should say something like, "would you be willing to stay together as a couple during this time?" NOTE: Him bringing up visiting you, or you visiting him, or how he wants to "stay in touch" does NOT in ANY WAY mean that he wants to stay in a committed LDR. You'll have to get into the gnarly details: do you still consider yourselves boyfriend and girlfriend - will you get engaged - is marriage in your plans - will you still be exclusive - what constitutes cheating - etc. If you're uncomfortable talking about these details, the LDR won't work with this guy. [If you're the one leaving, simply reverse it, tell him calmly about the opportunity you got. Don't mention the relationship at first, but expect him to react as if it's a breakup. See what he says and if he suggests staying together or asks you your thoughts. (You can of course share your thoughts if you want to stay together, but stay cautious and don't reveal your full hand or seem desperate to stay together. A way to initiate this might be to say, "it's ONLY X amount of time" and see how he reacts to that.) If he reacts basically like "ok wow, bye", or is mad, etc., just leave it - bye indeed.]

**PART TWO: During the LDR*\*

  • Financial issues: LDRs cost money. Visiting each other, especially in different countries that requires flights, can get really expensive. To put it bluntly, if you're both broke students, your LDR will be under extra pressure and difficulties. He should definitely be offering to fly you where he is, and you should definitely take him up on it!
  • Trips to see each other: This is actually an opportunity to have some GREAT times. Missing each other, then being excited to see each other again, is sort of a high, and actually seeing him at the airport or whatever should "validate" that high - i.e., he is ACTUALLY as good as I remember, or better, and being with him is better than missing him! Whether it's for a weekend, a long weekend, a holiday, etc., he should have stuff planned and essentially be your tour guide for when you come visit him! This could be a cool opportunity to see a new part of the world and explore. Whatever you do together, it should feel like he thought of you in particular (i.e. not just top 10 tourist traps, but things you like, food you like, etc.). You can plan together if that's something you like to do and you want to be involved - it's something to talk about while apart. He should take you to places you want to see. You should NOT be the only one making the trips - even if he pays for your trip to see him, and he lives in a "cooler" place, travelling is exhausting and he needs to take that burden sometimes - especially if he is the one who left, in which case he should probably come back and visit you MORE than you visit him. Even if you live in a "boring" place that you both know so well, he should want to come back to see you and stay in your cozy bedroom, etc. [more on this later - staying at each other's places while visiting accelerates the commitment!] If it feels like you need to "convince" him to visit you or feels like getting him to actually book the trip is like pulling teeth, end the relationship - I'm serious!
  • Communicating while apart: This is tricky! Don't underestimate the power of having a good smartphone, data plan, internet connection, etc. Don't underestimate the challenge of a time difference. If one person is staying up late and missing sleep to talk to their partner, they will start to resent it and them. DON'T LET THIS BE YOU. Get your beauty sleep. Don't screw up your schedule to talk to him. If the time difference is such that you can't talk live without inconveniencing the other, you make need to talk live less frequently and rely on text messages and VOICE MESSAGES which are underrated but great (to hear their voice!)
  • Sex: This is also tricky! It's not the same as being single and not having sex for months on end. You're emotionally attached to someone, they're turning you on during conversations, and then you CAN'T release it. Can you do it? Know yourself, and know your limits. If you're a very sexual, affectionate, cuddly person, LDR might be too challenging for you. You also do NOT have to compromise on your boundaries of no porn and no nudes. I was in a LDR for years and never once sent a nude. (Sexy, pretty pics, yes!!) I maybe "flashed" my breasts once or twice on videochat. You don't have to have "digital sex" or masturbate in front of each other if that makes you uncomfortable - I never did. Soft phone calls in the dark where you tell each other what you'll do to each other when you see each other again go a long way. I had my private masturbation practice and so did he and we didn't really discuss it in detail. The longest I went without seeing my boyfriends was 2 months and it was very difficult (and we were in different COUNTRIES both times). I don't recommend going longer than 2, MAX 3 months without an in-person visit. He should be telling you you're beautiful and complimenting your appearance when you do videochat. This doesn't mean you then strip down though! Say thank you, blush, flip your hair, smile. Etc.

**IMPORTANT NOTE: LDRs can highly benefit the man*\*

  • The ideal man to do a LDR with is a man who is ambitious, hard-working, into fitness or creative projects, has a clear career path, maybe is spiritual or learning a new language as well, etc. He will basically be happy to have some time alone to level up basically - to have time to devote to their projects and essentially live as a single man, without the depression and anxiety that comes with being single (for a man who wants a life partner) because he "knows" he's got you "locked down" and you're also providing emotional support and romantic affection from a distance. This is an EXTREME BENEFIT TO HIM AND HIS LIFE and HE SHOULD KNOW THAT and he should LET YOU KNOW THAT.
  • He should be extremely grateful to you for staying with him and show it. Say, "thank you for being there for me", "I couldn't do this without you", etc. There's no way I would have survived my LDRs without receiving these kinds of messages on the REGULAR. This is completely necessary (both ways) for an emotionally healthy LDR. Gratitude on gratitude.
  • YOU should ALSO be levelling up, and taking the advantages of the "single lifestyle" PLUS romance locked down, when you're apart. You should also be ambitious and have lots of projects and goals on the go. If you don't, you're wasting your time and wasting the opportunity.

**RED FLAGS / GREEN FLAGS*\*

  • If you videocall him and he answers and shows your face to the group of friends he's with and introduces you by name and as his girlfriend, that's a green flag. It's kind of embarrassing but can be cute and cheesy. Wave! Say hi to his new friends! Wish them a good time and you'll talk later! (This happened to me often and was a good way of establishing trust. He always wanted to show me to whoever he was with if I happened to call when he was out lol.) His friends should know all about you. You should meet them when you visit.
  • Public social media posts and photos are a green flag in LDRs - sometimes you have to overcompensate by posting more couple pics or throwbacks, like instead of seeing each other in real life, even if you're not typically active or do that kind of thing on social media. There should definitely be signs of you on his social media!
  • Him constantly talking about sex and how horny he is is a red flag. You guys are both horny, we get it. If he's doom and gloom to you about how he's not getting laid, boo hoo, my penis hurts, etc., LDR is likely not gonna work with him.
  • If he yells at you or gets mad at you and then apologizes and says it's just because he misses you so much (and so he's in a bad mood or whatever), that's a red flag. Just no. That's not an excuse. And note how he's subtly blaming you and your absence for his inability to control his emotions and his audacity to yell at you over the phone. No!
  • Having an overly "sacrificial"-focused, tit-for-tat mindset, is a red flag. By this I mean, competing over who misses the other the most, competing over who is suffering the most being alone in X city, being overly concerned with spending an exactly equal amount of money on visits (he should be generous and not concerned about that), etc. You should have the attitude that you're a team and that you made each decision together. You're both sacrificing, you're both benefiting. If you or if him are overly "keeping score", it's not going to work. [Note: this doesn't mean you should accept him visiting you less or travelling less. This point more applies to 'emotionally keeping score' and unnecessary obsession with emotional equality.]

**PART THREE: Mental / Emotional Strategies during the LDR*\*

  • You can still break up, at any time. This is very very important to be aware of and remember. Sometimes during LDRs, it's easy to feel that you've "committed" until the next in-person visit, or even that you've "committed" for the entire duration of the time apart (e.g. the 1 year internship). I've certainly felt like that. This can lead to "delaying" important conversations about how you feel until you can meet in person, or "pushing through" hard relationship times until you live in the same city again. No. You have to keep your standards. Anything that would warrant a breakup IRL warrants a breakup in LDR. If you're miserable, you've talked about it, and it's not improving, just break up. You might have to do it over the phone - in my opinion this is absolutely socially acceptable in a LDR. If it was a healthy relationship you can meet again in person one more time to 'say goodbye' if you feel that's necessary for your mental health. Otherwise, block and move on, we all know the drill. (I also don't recommend "saving" your fights for in-person visits - it's too risky to let things fester. Just say what you're upset about over the phone ASAP. Make sure you're both at home and in private when you do.)
  • Keep your life. I'll say it again, KEEP YOUR LIFE. The harsh reality is that most LDRs fail. This is not backed up by science lol, it's just my experience. If you've stayed inside, talking on the phone to him 24/7, neglecting friendships and family relationships, when you break up you'll be screwed. Make sure to keep your social life and don't stop going out and don't stop spending time with your friends. If anything, a LDR is the perfect opportunity to spend MORE time with your friends and family than you otherwise would, or more time studying or working, because you don't see your partner as much.
  • What if you meet someone IRL and you start falling for him instead of your boyfriend who's away? Honestly, this is not a good sign, and it's probably a good idea to end the LDR. A good LDR is when you're so IN LOVE IN LOVE you wouldn't start falling for someone else. Crushes and physical attraction are different, but if you fantasize being in a relationship with this person who is RIGHT THERE in your city, yeah, idk... not looking good.
  • Are you just being an emotional support girlfriend to your boyfriend who is off Having Adventures and Levelling Up? Trust your intuition. If you feel like he's just using you and you doubt you'll ever live in the same city again or ever get married, end it. LDRs are not for the faint of heart. It only works with the most ultra HVW and HVM. If you can't trust him, or you can't trust yourself to be able to discern whether he's future-faking you or playing you or lying to you, it's really not worth all the effort - just focus on yourself girl. Future-faking plays a weird role in LDRs because to an extent you both HAVE to fantasize and talk about the future a lot - your next in-person visit, once the LDR will end, etc. The key is to observe whether he FOLLOWS through. Are the visits as good as you guys hype them up to be? Etc.

**GENERAL notes and final conclusions*\*

  • Commitment: LDRs are sometimes a commitment-accelerator. What if you each have your own apartment in a city before one of you leaves? But then, when you visit each other, you stay in each other's apartments?! This is what happened in my experiences, and it means you essentially "live together" short term - but on one or the other's "turf". Seen positively, this can be a way to "try out" living together in sort of short term sleepover style and you can figure out if you're compatible. It can also make you feel more committed and make it harder to break up. Don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy; if you're unhappy break up. Also, if you're not comfortable living together, suggest you stay in a hotel when you visit - he should be fine with this and offer to pay. Also, if you do stay in his place (as I did), he should make sure you're comfy there, such as buying the groceries you need. I had a boyfriend who didn't drink coffee but made sure he stocked his fridge with coffee cream before I came over. This kind of thing.
  • Family: Commitment can also be accelerated by meeting each other's extended family perhaps sooner than you would otherwise because you may both have time to visit each other during traditional holiday times such as Christmas. This can be great and fun - it can also make the sunk cost fallacy harder. It's harder to break up if you've bonded with his cousins lmao. Also, you can be put in a position where you see HIS family instead of YOUR OWN on major holidays because it's an opportunity to see each other. DON'T do that unless you want to! He should not guilt-trip you into missing out on your favourite sister Thanksgiving tradition (for example), and visiting each other instead, just because you're in a LDR and you both have time off. Figuring out how to balance family visits with visiting each other, when to include him in your family traditions and vice versa, is sensitive, it depends on your personal situation and preferences and requires talking it through with your partner. Don't let him pressure you into using all your vacation days on him if that's not what you want.
  • Heartbreak: Just know that after all this, epic visits, meeting family, imagining a future and talking about it a lot, sometimes talking about a wedding... if you break up, it can be really devastating. Take care of your heart.
  • Standards: Don't lower your standards or change your boundaries just because it's a LDR. As I wrote before, nudes don't suddenly become acceptable just because it's an LDR. If he for some reason can't visit you on your birthday, he better send you flowers and gifts and the WHOLE shebang. Similarly, if your priority is to be engaged and then married quickly, this shouldn't delay it, if anything, it could accelerate it. It makes complete sense for him to propose before leaving, have the engagement be long distance, and get married after. (*This could also be dangerous though, because of what I wrote before about how LDRs sometimes make it seem like you've committed for the whole length of the absence before seeing how it goes and how he behaves during the LDR - engagement would heighten that.*) Perhaps engagement RIGHT AFTER a smooth LDR, once you're back in the same city, makes the most sense. Indeed, that's what I've seen in success stories. They get engaged AND THEN MARRIED very soon once in the same city again. Don't settle. If that's what you want, make it clear. Heck, he should be talking about it without you prompting. If you're doing all this LDR stuff, he should be trying to figure out what ring you like lol.
  • Opportunities: Make sure to focus on the opportunities and the positives. I already wrote about some of them, some others include sending and receiving lovely handwritten letters and postcards, or gifts. Another potential positive opportunity is meeting for an in-person visit in a THIRD location, where neither one of you lives. It normally costs around the same or just a bit more (2 flights instead of 1), and can be a great chance to travel the world and have cool adventures together. Why not meet in the Caribbean for a week instead of visiting each other again?! Etc. At its best, a LDR can be an opportunity to be with a man who you don't worry is just with you for sex; an opportunity to get to know each other and have long talks and see how you two communicate and solve problems. It's an opportunity to practice enforcing boundaries (e.g. saying goodbye when it's too late to continue talking on the phone, even though the convo is great; saying you can't talk at a certain time) and practice changing your mind on an established boundary and bringing that up, which is valid, when something is no longer working for you (e.g. saying "I know we said we'd only talk X days, but I'm finding I really need to hear from you more" - he should react positively!) Sometimes, LDR can be an intense, accelerated vetting process to see if a man is actually husband material. And in fact, that's how you SHOULD see it.

**SUCCESS stories*\*

  • I know couples who've had a 1 or 2 year long distance period (usually for different grad school programs) who are now married. The LDRs that succeed are between two people who are committed, loving, trustworthy, wholesome, hardworking, engaged or married or get married very soon after reunion, academic/career focused, the distance apart is short (1-2 years, usually for an education experience, research fellowship, internship, etc.) and they have the financial means to do it well.

LDR is an opportunity to level up together and get an amazing life together (e.g. if you both support each other getting specialized degrees in different cities or states, you can have a higher quality of life together later...and if it fails, hey, now you have a specialized degree!). It should only be pursued with absolute caution, and then, with absolute enthusiasm. He needs to be your biggest cheerleader in achieving your goals (and vice versa). Yes, most fail. But these are hopefully strategies and perspectives you can take to either a) make sure you're going into it with the right guy, b) make sure you have a good time during the relationship even if it fails, and c) potentially make it so it doesn't fail.

Good luck! Thanks for reading! Please add to the discussion in a comment!