714,030 posts

Titrating Comfort

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February 21, 2020
11 upvotes

Hi, I’m MeanPhysics, and I’m an autist. I’ve been running the MRP playbook for 2 years (yeah, I know. I had a long stall before I started posting OYS late last year), and have achieved huge improvements across the board in personal satisfaction, confidence, social activity, relationships. My marriage has improved wildly too, in all the ways that folks talk about here. Respect, attitude, submissiveness, care, frequency and quality of sex, etc.

Recently, I realized I’ve been failing comfort tests for a while. I thought I just wasn’t ever getting them because my wife is fairly emotionally closed off. But through talking with folks here, I realized I’d just been consistently confusing her comfort tests with shit tests. I modified my behavior and saw a huge change in attitude from my wife post comfort test.

This has me questioning whether a lack of comfort has been holding me up sexually, too. I’ve been pushing for a variety of new menu items, sexually, and while my wife is sometimes open to the new (toys, light bdsm, etc) in the moment, and clearly enjoys herself, her processing after-the-fact isn’t “oh that was fun let’s do more” but “I didn’t like being spanked” or “that was degrading” etc. Watching what she does not what she says tells me this is wildly inaccurate, but when I try to take her in-the-moment behavior, and talk about it so that we can bring it above board and explore further, she always reacts negatively.

She’s also started over the last few months asking “do you just see me as a sex object” “do you just keep me around for the sex” etc, and more recently came out with “I’m not going to do whatever you want just to keep you around, I’m not going to be that woman” and “No matter what I do I won’t be enough for you”.

I’ve historically viewed this as insufficient attractiveness on my part and lack of dread. So I’ve continued to AA/AM her comments and keep focused on my self-improvement and game. But my comfort test epiphany has me wondering if I’m seeing this issue from the wrong angle.

To me, it seems like her hamster has run into a wall that says something like “if you give him what he wants, you’ll still lose him, AND you’ll lose your self-respect”. It’s like she’s unwilling to try this expanded sexual path because she’s afraid it won’t be enough, so she’s just going to refuse to open herself up to it. It gives her the out of saying that I wanted things she thought was degrading, so in the end it’s OK that I left.

I feel like there’s an opportunity to give more comfort here to show her that she can be confident in opening herself up sexually because I’ll be there to make sure she’s safe, I’ll be there to support her, etc.

What’s the MRP wisdom here? Am I just unattractive and dreadless? Or have I been missing a huge opportunity to provide comfort and security and through that drive desired behavior?


Post Information
Title Titrating Comfort
Author MeanPhysics
Upvotes 11
Comments 33
Date 21 February 2020 04:08 PM UTC (9 months ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/338265
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/f7d9ab/titrating_comfort/
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Red Pill terms found in post:
dread gamehamstershit testcomfort testgame
Comments

[–]EasyDaysHardNights3 points4 points  (3 children) | Copy

Stay out of her head.

Watch what she does, not what she says.

[–]MeanPhysics[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Ok, yes, definitely a good reminder for me. But isnt there some point at which I can expect her to stop with the say one thing do another BS and just embrace the new power structure?

[–]EasyDaysHardNights0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

But isn't there some point ... I can expect her to... Embrace the new power structure?

What new power structure?

You've come here with uncertainty, indecision and a self admitted difficulty in determining what your wife needs from you to feel safe. That's not a power structure. That's a maze with no exit.

She even went overt and said she only feels like you want her for sex. Which means she got so frustrated at the covert indicators not landing that she had no other choice. Which leads to the source of your problem.

Say one thing do another BS

Who said plausible deniability was BS? Until you get the power and utility that behavior has for women ... You will miss all IOIs your wife (and any other woman) is sending you. She's trying to tell you what she needs ... You're just not operating from a perspective that's tuned into the reality of what's actually going on.

[–]MeanPhysics[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

..Hey man, I opened with “I’m an autist”.

I’ll be honest, recognizing IOI’s has been a longstanding challenge for me. I’m seeing some of the eye contact and smiles these days, but thats about it.

Definitely basic work to do here.

[–]JoeAccidental2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

I noticed that your wife was using "I" and "I'm" comments. I would read these as comfort tests. If she comes at you in a bitchy tone using "you or you're" comments, that's a shit test. Read the sidebar for how to deal with them and find your own style.

[–]MeanPhysics[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Good reminder on I vs You. I’ve recently been filtering with whether its presented in anger (shit test) or sadness (comfort).

[–]man_in_the_worldRed Beret1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

You're very likely short on emotion during sex as well.

[–]MeanPhysics[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Yes, agree here.

I’m trying to turn it up but she’s resisting. No talking (plenty of moaning), heavy pushback against talking dirty, etc. I had her a little ways down the road saying things she’d never said before, then a couple of months ago it was like a switch flipped and she shut up again.

[–]man_in_the_worldRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

I wouldn't be surprised if you're autistically failing to calibrate your dirty talk to the emotional context and dynamic. Some women respond well to being called a dirty slut or whore, whereas others might shut down from this but respond positively to being called a naughty, naughty girl. It also matters when you use which words. Failing to respond to the emotional dynamic of the interaction will kill her emotional immersion.

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret1 point2 points  (18 children) | Copy

Or have I been missing a huge opportunity to provide comfort and security and through that drive desired behavior?

What do you think?

I could answer this for you, but you already know.

[–]MeanPhysics[S] 1 point2 points  (17 children) | Copy

Man, you’re like fucking yoda these days! I would say that I’ve been missing an opportunity to provide comfort and that I’ve just created a terrified hamster with the lack of comfort I’ve been supplying. But I’m deeply distrustful of comfort because I applied it 1000% for years and it destroyed me.

Ultimately, I guess its back to being my own point of origin. I think a touch of comfort will allow her to relax, put her back down, and enjoy where I’m taking her.

That way, then.

[–]ImNotSlash3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

The thing is, you're admitting to a basic covert contract. You give little comfort and expect not to be destroyed. You believe you give too much, you will.

So change your mindset (easier said than done, i get it). Giving comfort is an unlimited supply. I choose to give it to my wife whenever she wants it or whenever I want to. She can do whatever she wants with it. But she can't hurt you with it. You have an abundance of it to share with the world. Should that day come you kill the puppy you have just as much to give to the next.

For me anyway it has helped bring peace of mind.

[–]MeanPhysics[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This resonates for me. I’m realizing that as I have gotten to a point of greater abundance, really seeing for the first time in my life that I have a LOT of options, I got angry with my wife. Delayed Onset Ego Soreness?

That anger has lead me to 1) be less fun but 2) withhold comfort to punish 3) recognize I may kill the puppy, which to the other comments on fear does scare me.

But as you point out, theres no need to punish here. Theres nothing she can do to hurt me with that comfort (and resulting vulnerability) l I provide her.

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret2 points3 points  (8 children) | Copy

But I’m deeply distrustful of comfort because I applied it 1000% for years and it destroyed me.

Fear is the path to the dark side.

[–]Tyred_Biggums0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy

It’s always fear. Every fucking time.

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

This one is funny actually. Not only is OP fearful of giving comfort, but he is also fearful if he doesn't give it he won't get sex.

/u/foxshitnasty83 nailed it - calibrate your comfort. Give from a place of abundance.

[–]MeanPhysics[S] 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

I don’t think I’m afraid of not getting sex. Thats in the past.

I am definitely afraid of killing the puppy. Because of my relationship with the kids, because so many other aspects of the marriage have turned so positive post-MRP. But I’m not willing to accept my current state forever, so its either improve or get out, and the latter option I am afraid of.

[–]FoxShitNasty831 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

I am definitely afraid of killing the puppy

Work on this, your the man. Act like it bitch.

[–]MeanPhysics[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Fair point.

I’ve dug into laws in my state, and sit fine there on custody. Money is just money. What else is there to be worried about?

[–]Tyred_Biggums1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Using kids is a cop out. Relationship with my kids have never been better after separation. Sure I see them less but so what? I guarantee you’re not actually present and paying attention to them 100% of the time when you’re there now.

Improve, stfu, and reassess. But you do need to dig deep on this one.

[–]MeanPhysics[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You’re definitely right on presence. No question.

[–]MeanPhysics[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Sabers out, bitches.

[–]primordialawe1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

And, what you thought was 1000% comfort was probably neediness. There’s a difference.

[–]MeanPhysics[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

It was definitely neediness. Though I would argue that too much comfort lead to dry panties lead to neediness.

Comfort from abundance is different, agreed.

[–]FoxShitNasty830 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

But I’m deeply distrustful of comfort because I applied it 1000% for years and it destroyed me.

Lol, been there. Calibrate your comfort

[–]MeanPhysics[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

A more concise version of my question probably could be reduced to “how do I calibrate comfort?”

I got a bunch of responses on deeper issues, which is helpful but, that core question is still there.

How does one know the right amount? Bitchiness is a trailing indicator. So just go sloooow and watch behavior?

[–]FoxShitNasty831 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

“how do I calibrate comfort?”

In my opinion you have to first plug that hole in the boat. You do this by not giving comfort... Unless you get a comfort test. "Learn to identify and pass comfort tests". Don't go all beta smoochy overboard when you get one... Just oak it, give her a hug and kiss her on the forehead. Whatever make it yours.

Once you kill all the covert contracts and become less of a faggot you can give comfort without expecting anything in return. You have to kill the neediness first (identify using anger as your calibrating tool).

Mummy still loves you so don't be such a moody dick. Give he comfort when she wants it.

[–]MeanPhysics[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Moody dick is accurate. This is one I’ve been working on for a while, but in the moment tend to lose self awareness.

[–]PillUpAss0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy

Are you open to plating and/or actually leaving her? If not, it is difficult not to have the undertone of scarcity you currently possess. You are trying to crack her code, beware the Dancing Monkey.

Why do you even need these sexual acts done? Your OYS 10 days ago says it’s pretty much all good in this department. Is this post a knee jerk reaction to very recent challenges?

[–]MeanPhysics[S] -1 points0 points  (3 children) | Copy

Yes, probably partly knee jerk. Partly watching her one-extreme-to-the-other behavior and not trusting myself or my previous read of the situation. The Most Epic Shit Test seems to be rather timely in my thinking here.

Perhaps my biggest mistake has been thinking that behavior will normalize over time, or maybe I’m still just way early in the process.

[–]PillUpAss0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Stick with the basics. Comfort doesn’t generate attraction. You need to find the balance of how much comfort you want to give, while knowing it won’t lead to more or better sex. Many guys only provide comfort when their partner seeks it; which is a good baseline to start with once you’re sure you’ve eliminated your covert contract.

[–]MeanPhysics[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Fine, ok, thats helpful for when to give comfort. Isnt there also a level of trust and security that is helpful in allowing her to relax and go with the flow, instead of fearing that she’s just getting pumped and dumped?

How do I help her work through her fear and own issues about getting way out of her comfort zone?

[–]PillUpAss1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

You don’t. You build the authentic you, cultivate your masculine and focus on your mission. The mission is more important than your relationship. Use her reactions as opportunities to learn, but you can’t directly change her. That is her decision.

Re: the maze. It’s a good analogy for early on, but women aren’t retards (at least when it comes to this). They know what you want, especially when you are direct, authentic and unashamed about it. Check out u/itiswr1tten ‘s post on women having an attention drive, not a sex drive. If she wants your attention badly enough (i.e. you are high enough value), she will enthusiastically do whatever it takes to get and keep it. If not, you have 4B other pussies to choose from. You set how high your bar is.

Caveat: you cannot make this decision until you are high value. Up to that point, take advantage and learn from the in-house shit and comfort tester.



You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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