Hi, I’m MeanPhysics, and I’m an autist. I’ve been running the MRP playbook for 2 years (yeah, I know. I had a long stall before I started posting OYS late last year), and have achieved huge improvements across the board in personal satisfaction, confidence, social activity, relationships. My marriage has improved wildly too, in all the ways that folks talk about here. Respect, attitude, submissiveness, care, frequency and quality of sex, etc.
Recently, I realized I’ve been failing comfort tests for a while. I thought I just wasn’t ever getting them because my wife is fairly emotionally closed off. But through talking with folks here, I realized I’d just been consistently confusing her comfort tests with shit tests. I modified my behavior and saw a huge change in attitude from my wife post comfort test.
This has me questioning whether a lack of comfort has been holding me up sexually, too. I’ve been pushing for a variety of new menu items, sexually, and while my wife is sometimes open to the new (toys, light bdsm, etc) in the moment, and clearly enjoys herself, her processing after-the-fact isn’t “oh that was fun let’s do more” but “I didn’t like being spanked” or “that was degrading” etc. Watching what she does not what she says tells me this is wildly inaccurate, but when I try to take her in-the-moment behavior, and talk about it so that we can bring it above board and explore further, she always reacts negatively.
She’s also started over the last few months asking “do you just see me as a sex object” “do you just keep me around for the sex” etc, and more recently came out with “I’m not going to do whatever you want just to keep you around, I’m not going to be that woman” and “No matter what I do I won’t be enough for you”.
I’ve historically viewed this as insufficient attractiveness on my part and lack of dread. So I’ve continued to AA/AM her comments and keep focused on my self-improvement and game. But my comfort test epiphany has me wondering if I’m seeing this issue from the wrong angle.
To me, it seems like her hamster has run into a wall that says something like “if you give him what he wants, you’ll still lose him, AND you’ll lose your self-respect”. It’s like she’s unwilling to try this expanded sexual path because she’s afraid it won’t be enough, so she’s just going to refuse to open herself up to it. It gives her the out of saying that I wanted things she thought was degrading, so in the end it’s OK that I left.
I feel like there’s an opportunity to give more comfort here to show her that she can be confident in opening herself up sexually because I’ll be there to make sure she’s safe, I’ll be there to support her, etc.
What’s the MRP wisdom here? Am I just unattractive and dreadless? Or have I been missing a huge opportunity to provide comfort and security and through that drive desired behavior?