I’ve seen many posts on this sub asking for what HVM are or how to spot green flags. I’ve also seen many posts about awful first dates that the woman stuck through. We all know not to go on coffee dates or walking dates, but we haven’t discussed what a “Green Flag Date” should look like. So this is a post about a “green flag first date” (that also apply to later dates). This is a post meant to roughly outline what the first many dates should look like with a potential HVM. If dating is not similar to this, he is likely LVM/NVM. This is by no means exhaustive, but meant to give some scaffolding to what you should expect from dates, and green flags from potential HVM.

Caveat to the Male Lurkers: Yes this is a rough blueprint and could be used to fake being HVM. But that doesn’t matter because you won’t know how to use it properly, and the mask will eventually slip.

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However you meet (OLD, in person, through friends, volunteering, etc.) the steps below should be roughly similar.

Asking out:

  1. Establish connection and interest. Verify, to the best of your ability, honesty and truthfulness before going on a date (there have been many posts discussing this).
  2. When he asks you out, he offers a plan with options to work for you. Example: I would like to take you to dinner at *specific* restaurant. Are you free Friday or Saturday of this week?
  3. The place of meeting should be public, safe, easy for you to access (which he has asked about), adhere to any of your diet or health concerns (he has also asked about), and offer a dating atmosphere (not too loud/dark).
  4. You accept and choose the day that works for you, or offer a different day if those don’t work.
  5. He then confirms day, time and place. And verifies that you have a way get there safely.
  6. The day before he confirms again day, time and place and communicates parking options for you (if needed) or other logistics.
  7. On day of date he communicates to show excitement for the meeting.

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Date:

  1. You arrive on time in a safe manner (not in his car or reliant on him). You should have easy way to leave, cash for emergency, ID, credit card. Friends/family should know where you are/ when to expect you home. Have a friend or family watch your location via Find my Friends, Life360 or other app.
  2. He is already at the restaurant and has made reservations (you should not have to wait for a table, there should be no uncertainty with the date). He has communicated with you that he is there and waiting or is at the entrance to greet you.
  3. Conversation is balanced, easy, fun, interesting, and whatever you are specifically looking for in a person. You should enjoy the date.
  4. At the end of the date he pays, and if appropriate (i.e. you have visibly shown interest) states that he would like to see you again and will contact you in x amount of time. He will not ask for a second date then, as to not put you on the spot, in case he misread your signs, and as to avoid awkwardness or confrontation. He will give you time to process this date before asking for another one.

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After date:

  1. You evaluate whether you would like to see him again. Journal about this, talk to friends, family, therapist. Decide what is best for you and what you actually want.
  2. If you decide yes, then when he reaches out at the specified time, with another planned and thoughtful date, you can accept or counter-offer, as before.
  3. If you do not want to go on another date, you can either decline with a neutral response, or block and delete. (Neutral response example: “Thank you for the date, after some thoughts, I feel we are incompatible but wish you the best in your dating endeavors” then block and delete).

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The first many dates should go in this manner, planned, thought out, and executed by him. You should only have to show up and enjoy yourself.

Dating should always be enjoyable to you. If at any moment you are no longer enjoying it you are free to end the date (at any time, really!), stop seeing him, block, and delete.

For #LetGoOfMaleValidation2021, remind yourself that his attention toward you does not dictate how you feel about him. Your feelings are separate from his and not reliant on him. You decide what you like and if he does not do things you like, get rid of him. Many women get into or stay in relationships because they seek and like male attention, but that’s the only thing this guy is offering: attention. Even if is negative attention, women stay.

But you don’t need to do that anymore or ever again! Male attention is fleeting and of no value. So make sure that when you date someone they are only adding to your life. If they are not actively adding positives then they are either neutral or negative and you don’t need either of those.