TL;DR: be around guys who are strong mentally, physically and in terms of frame. With your social group of men, give yourselves a purpose when hanging out.

This is an issue which I think is of great importance, and something which I have discussed at length with my male friends. In this day and age, it seems to me as though it is harder for young men to build a solid group of strong male friends. This is happening at a time when spaces for men to get together without women being present are becoming rarer and rarer. Moreover, a lot of guys do not really have a purpose when they are together with their male friends.

As the goal of TRP, from my understanding, is to become the best version of yourself as a man, I would argue that these two factors combined is one of the worst things to happen to modern men.

Strong Male Friends

At the outset, I would like to define what I mean by a strong male. I am not talking just physically (although this is usually true, too), I am talking about the kind of guy who is supportive of his close male friends, but will call them out on their bullshit, too. The way I see it, a man should have physical strength (lift!), a strong frame, and a strong mind (education). This whole subreddit is filled with ways to strengthen yourselves in these areas, so I won’t go into them here. Note that my argument is based on a strong male, not a weak male. Hanging out with weak males is also harmful to your own growth. I believe you are who your five closest friends are. If they are all strong, physically and mentally, then you will grow to be the same. The same is true of the opposite. They could be weak in any or all three of the three areas I wrote above.

A point to note here; I know it sounds idealistic to want to have friends who are physically strong, have a strong frame, and are intelligent, but I think this is definitely achievable by finding people who are self-motivated. A lot of men here on TRP would do well to meet each other in person, as we are all here to make ourselves better men. If you can’t be with men who are strong in all of these areas, then at least be with men who are consistently trying to improve themselves in these areas.

It is common for me to see a number of men who have mostly female friends; personally, I think this is deleterious to a man’s character and growth. Interacting only with females, especially just as friends, does not equip a man with the skills and temperament he needs to be successful in life. This is repeated in other threads I have read about issues faced by young men who have absent fathers; by not putting yourself in male company, you are effectively doing the same thing.

Now, I would argue that part of the issue is caused by modern technology; videogames, it can be argued, have largely replaced real face-to-face interaction for a number of men. While they may have their gaming buddies, the majority of time spent with them is virtual, rather than physical. There is something quite different about being with your male friends rather than just interacting online. The cause of this issue can be debated about forever, but the purpose of this thread is to hopefully provide a solution, rather than quibble about the cause.

Creating Purposeful Groups

Another part of this issue is the fact that a large part of our media demonises men’s only spaces, while women-only spaces are encouraged. By men’s-only spaces, in my mind this means men’s clubs, or time spent with male-only friends without female presence. As a Freemason, one of the questions I am constantly bombarded with, by both men and women, is “why don’t you let women into Freemasonry? Isn’t that really sexist?” to which my answer is invariably “Why do you think it’s wrong for men to have time alone together?” Never mind the plethora of women’s only gyms, women’s clubs etc. etc. I think it is healthy for both genders to have spaces away from the opposite gender. The atmosphere is different. Being around men in a men’s only environment is vastly different from a mixed environment.

In my view, what young men need is to be in a group with purpose. Hanging out with your buddies getting wasted is all good and fun, but if that is the only thing you do with your male friends, then I believe something is missing. The strongest male bonds I have come from my friends in Freemasonry and combat sports, including Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and Muay Thai. In Freemasonry, we are all there for one purpose; to take over the world to make ourselves better men. In BJJ and Muay Thai, we are learning how to fight. Having a common goal helps create stronger ties, as you have to trust the men you are with. You have to trust that they have got your back and will help you, and they have to trust that you will do the same. The same could be said of gym buddies, platoon members, essentially any group of men who are together for a common purpose. It also helps you improve as a man, because if you whine or forget something important, other men will call you out on it. You can’t get away with being whiny around strong men. I imagine that this is part of our evolution; I can see how strong men in groups needed all the other men to be strong as well in order to ensure survival. The whiny man brings down morale and is a weak link.

So my advice is three different things

Firstly, get yourself involved in a hobby which is male-oriented, if you aren’t already. While a great number of hobbies I will list can include both men and women, try to gravitate more to the men as much as possible. Some good examples of hobbies are: boxing, woodwork, archery, blacksmithing, BJJ, wrestling, playing music, team sports. It doesn’t matter which hobby, just pick one if you don’t have one already. Try to make sure it is a hobby that you can do with other people, even if it is just one or two others.

Secondly, meet your male friends in person more. Make it a goal for at least once or twice a week, so long as it is not cutting into your regular obligations of work, family or religion. When you do so, make an objective – for example, don’t just go to a bar, try something like a barbecue together. To make it really a team effort, assign people different jobs – one guy to get the meat, another to cook it, another to bring the cutlery, another to bring salads or condiments. Another example is to work on a car together, or build something together. If someone forgets something, call them out on it; this helps build their character. Do something with a purpose, rather than just hang out and drink. Drinking is fine in moderation, but I believe strongly that this isn’t enough to build a good male bond. An addition I will make to this point is that you should be doing something which is active, rather than passive. Active in the sense that you and your friends are creating something, rather than receiving something. Drinking is passive, so is watching the game, TV, movies etc. These are all right in moderation, but do not let passivity supersede activity. Men are born to make and do, not to sit back and relax.

Thirdly, and lastly, encourage your current male friends to be the best version of themselves. Do this by getting them to join you in your purposeful groups; you can sit there and tell them about this all day long, but inviting them to join you is more potent. As your current social group improves, so will you. If they do not come along, that is okay; you will find yourself in a stronger social group.

EDIT: formatting