I'm so stupid to even think about going back.

indaazz1 · 2020-08-12T19:36:16+00:00

3 years is a long time, but better than 30. You already know what he’s put you through and what his value is. Have you tried incorporating some change into your lifestyle? It helps more than one could imagine.

RiteWriter · 2020-08-12T21:08:49+00:00

Sounds like any semblance of relationship-like behavior was spotty and in the middle.

The cheating cut out the first year.

The absence of sex is gone from the last year.

He pushes and pulls the people in is life & he is Dr. J & Mr. H. The parents are exceptions because they gave him life biologically (and etc else)...

He is doing the thing where he gets to say, “See I am unlovable. I push people away/they abandon me.”

Fuck that.

He is way BEYOND being functional to be in a relationship and is self-hating hard.

cutsforluck · 2020-08-12T19:58:39+00:00

You're not stupid. You're trauma bonded. It's totally normal have this thought about going back, even though logically and realistically, you will not consider it.

There is nothing you could have done/could ever do differently. This type of individual is a black hole. He's not a 'garden variety' jerk, he is toxic and probably personality-disordered. No matter what you did for him, how much you tried, done things differently-- he would have found a way to invalidate you and suck the life out of you.

It's still very soon after the breakup, so take your time and be gentle with yourself in recovering. Let the dust settle. Focus on yourself-- turn all the energy you would have invested in that toxic relationship into making yourself happy, and the best version of yourself that you can be.

At the same time, keep processing, learning, and know that you will heal and come out stronger and more immune to bullshit. <3

willowgrowingroots · 2020-08-12T21:14:11+00:00

Op please check out Dr Ramani on youtube, you’re bf sounds like my ex who was a narcissist. I am sorry you are going through this, it sucks, but you were totally right to leave that cheater—they never change. He’s NVM. You’re a queen.

timetofliptables · 2020-08-13T05:02:39+00:00

I have so much I want to say here that I don’t even know where to begin. I had a very similar obsessive mindset with a guy I got stuck on for YEARS and honestly it’s been about ten years since I last saw him and I still have anxiety dreams about him.

And the reason for that I think is both terrifying and freeing in a way. I read once that people basically live in your neurons. What do I mean by that... well we store shit in our brains. All the moves you’ve seen, books you’ve read, they’re in your brain in pieces. If you watched the same movie over and over again you’d basically be able to kind of “view” it in your brain.

Your brain doesn’t know the difference really between what you’re imagining and what’s real. Ever panicked thinking you left the stove in and then it turned out u actually didn’t? Did your brain give a shit in the moment?

So... it follows that if you had a dysfunctional relationship with this dude for years that required energy and focus and attention, how much of that is buzzing around in your brain?!

You’re addicted to that stimulus. And like any addiction the come down is a bitch but it’s necessary. Any last grasping at hope is your brains way of trying to maintain that high.

And if you’re anything like me, it didn’t start with him. My mom was a narcissist and every moment of my childhood was spent obsessing about her, and then I just got into relationships that were the same.

So what’s the answer? Find other stimulation. Find new passions, hobbies, interests.

On the flip side, sit with the discomfort of how shitty this feels and know that it’s normal and you’re going to get through it. Meditation helped me A LOT. Everyone says it but it’s damn true. Often times we use these draining relationshits to distract from deeper issues (hello shitty childhood) that were not ready to deal with.

All this to stay. ITS NOT ABOUT HIM. Stop making it about him. The way forward isn’t through making lists about how much he sucks (been there, done that, STILL went back to the dude several more times.)

The way forward is letting yourself truly and fully be DONE and then dealing with the fallout.

rabidmoon · 2020-08-14T15:32:11+00:00

There is no better version of him that any other girl is going to get. This is who he is. So you can let go of that. He is only capable of loving himself. So let him have at it.

Quit wasting time on this guy. He’s already gotten 3 years of your life. You could have met a HVM in that time.

We can all learn from this. There were red flags you ignored in the beginning. I think you know you should have left after you caught him lying (and at least trying to cheat) the first time. Now you’ve bonded with this guy and you’re in so deep that you’re not able to see clearly. DONT GO BACK SIS.

Cookie_Duchess · 2020-08-12T20:43:36+00:00

Ok. Lets hear it. :(

You post about this person nearly everyday in multiple subreddits to the point where it almost feels like you're staying in his life in order to have fodder for Reddit which gives you attention that you clearly crave. I'm not saying this is true- maybe it's not- I'm saying that your obsession with him is such a bad look that this is how it appears to me, an outsider.

At this point, if you're not going to take a single step towards leaving him alone (by blocking, etc) then you're really making an active choice to be foolish regarding this man and no one can pull you out of that but you. It's such a bad look that whenever I open one of the dating subreddits and see the word "alcoholic" in a post title, I already know it's going to be a post from you about this person. Focus your energy on something else, get therapy, leave this person alone.

Aw_Hail_No · 2020-08-13T00:13:17+00:00

So many 🚩🚩🚩

You really need to read the Handbook

Title	I'm so stupid to even think about going back.
Author	shaboogie135
Upvotes	11
Comments	27
Date	August 12, 2020 3:16 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/i8fjr9/im_so_stupid_to_even_think_about_going_back/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/im-so-stupid-to-even-think-about-going-back.54862 https://theredarchive.com/post/54862

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