Feeling attracted to my fiancé's successful best friend and I want it to stop

Daitomic · 2020-05-10T12:05:19+00:00

From what you wrote... just leave your fiancé. You want to love him but it’s not happening. The way you describe him... he sounds like a good guy but a bum. (Or just doesn’t put as much value in money... as artists tend to do) Continue this and you’re always gonna be wondering what it’s like to date his best friend. Leave or date his friend, one relationship will be gone regardless. You can’t negotiate desire. And from what I read... you aren’t attracted to your fiancé. And his “best friend” is making moves on you. Do your fiancé a favor and leave him. You essentially lost all respect and attraction for him once you got to know his best friend.

You’ll do him a favor and get rid of his “best friend” and a person who doesn’t respect him. Your Ex will be devastated regardless.

underwhelmedkiwi · 2020-05-10T12:48:47+00:00

you're not married to this guy and don't have kids with him. So leaving isn't as big of a deal. The bottom line is that after marriage and kids the problems will only be magnified. but right now you still have an out.

leaving him for his best friend is cold. very cold. All the rationalization about how his best friend is good to you doesn't change that. I'd suggest you don't do it purely on the basis that I assume you care for your fiancé as a person, even if you don't necessarily want to be with him romantically anymore.

overall i just don't think there is enough incentive to stay based on what you've said. you don't have kids, you're not married, and it's not working out. Why not find someone that you can start from scratch with this better mental foundation you have.

honestly by not marrying this guy you'd be doing him a MASSIVE favour, IMO. I'm a guy, and if i was him and found out a while after we broke up that you felt this way, i'd be glad you left and didn't get me legally tied to you and with kids.

also important to know is your age cos obviously if you're 35 then your chances of finding another decent guy are much lower than if you're 25.

EDIT: just read avalonplums comment and i agree, no man worth being with would try to steal his best friends girlfriend. that's a serious lack of morals which will most likely present in other ways if you dated him.

DoctorNini · 2020-05-10T14:21:53+00:00

I am going to be a bit harsh. Sorry if it hurts your feelings, as this is not my intention. But this post in combination with your last one, leads me to believe it is needed.

From your other post, it seems like you are young (21, right?) and working very hard on yourself. You started dating a man who seemed wonderful at first, but has since dropped out of school, failed to secure a job, doesn’t pick up chores around the house (that you cannot do as you need to bring in money since he doesn’t) and has gained weight. He is changing slightly for the better, it seems from your current post, but only because you are continually motivating him. Meanwhile, you earn money, cater to him, and try to better yourself both physically and emotionally. All of this, while he can’t even be bothered to get his driving license.

Quite honestly, I don’t see what is in this situation for you CURRENTLY. I stress that word, as I can understand what was in it before (when you were still in love and happy) and might be in it in the future (as you think he might be a good father). However, what does this man currently bring to the table that makes you want to date him?

Additionally, I can’t really rhyme the not-working, depressed, sloppy guy on the coach with the picture of a good father figure. If he finds it hard to motivate himself now, how do you think he will be able to do so when you have small kids running around? In my minds eye, I see a picture of you chasing after a toddler while holding a baby, while begging him to please stop playing on his PS4 and do some laundry. Sure, kids need love. But they also need a father who provides security (both financially and otherwise) and a good role model. It doesn’t seem like he does either.

I get why many women here advice women to better themselves in there relationship, and not to dump their partner when the first sign of a better option comes along. We all know what hypergamy is, and how it destroys relationships and lives. However, you should look at your relationship realistically. Does he bring enough to the table? Does he offer anything else, despite being loving and kind? And will you be able to respect and love him the rest of your life if he doesn’t chance a single bit for the better?

A fiancé is not a project. If he is not good enough to marry now, don’t expect him to become so in the future. And maybe you leaving him is the wake up call he needs to get off the couch.

However: don’t date his friend. No good can come off a relationship that starts this way. Just use this situation as a sign that you are clearly too unhappy with your current partner to build a future with him.

underwhelmedkiwi · 2020-05-10T14:34:03+00:00

From what I just read, it's clear to me you're not happy in your current relationship. Yes, sometimes "crushes" happen and maybe we feel a sense of admiration for someone else's qualities or see that they are physically attractive. But if you are full on fantasizing about another man for hypergamous reasons this isn't good. It's in a woman's nature to want to "marry-up".

Marriage is all about chemistry and compatibility. You must have both for it to be a success. Chemistry means that spark and attraction and then compatibility meaning similar values, life goals, etc. It sounds like you and your fiance have compatibility and not chemistry.

Obviously I'm not going to advise you one way or another but it sounds like you're trying to find a reason to walk away.

Cultivate_a_Rose · 2020-05-10T12:56:15+00:00

I am an artist, and one of my most solid "rules" was always "Do not date other artists!" Why? Well, first because there is only enough room for so much artist-crazy in the relationship and I have that cornered already. But secondly, someone has to pay the bills. And when the latter isn't cared for, problems arise extremely quickly.

onlysomewanttofly · 2020-05-10T19:02:10+00:00

You haven’t said one word about this “friend” having feelings for you or given any indication that he would even have you beyond a hook up or two so I think any discussion about monkey swinging to the friend is pointless - he may only be interacting with you because your his buddy’s GF or may he just wants wants a shag.

I think what’s really at issue here is you have discovered that there are some traits that you value that your BF does not possess.

It’s not really that this friend is a rare and unique snowflake and that you have discovered your one and only soulmate.

It is that you have come to realize that intellectual compatibility and common interest along with financial success and stability mean more to you than you originally gave credit and that your BF not having those traits and characteristics have caused you to question your future with him.

This is fair.

We live and learn and as we mature and develop we learn what traits and characteristics are important to us. This is why it is important to get out and interact with and date a variety of people so that we can determine what is value to us and what we really want in a mate.

Leaving your BF “for” his buddy isn’t realistic because for all we know, he may not even like you that much or have any interest in you at all.

But reassessing your relationship with and questioning your future with your BF is valid. He may not be the right match for you if you strongly value traits and characteristics he does not have.

ny-lady · 2020-05-11T01:03:50+00:00

If it wasnt his best friend it will be another. End it now.

This post screams Im trying to force myself to love someone I just really dont. Doesn't mean you have no love for him or care for him but this is not love for the long haul or you wouldn't be here posting this.

WhatIsThisAccountFor · 2020-05-10T23:15:53+00:00

Ok I read your other post.

Normally I would say that you need to look at the positives in your man, but it honeslty doesn’t seem like there are many positives to be had.

Your man doesn’t seem to really do anything to better himself. He’s getting fat, he couldn’t finish school, he doesn’t have a job, and doesn’t even have a license. Maybe it’s different in your country than the US, but in the US that person would be seen as a complete failure.

Maybe he loves you and is kind to you, but it doesn’t seem like the lack of sex even matters that much to him which is a pretty big red flag at 25 years old.

Ask yourself what a future with this man looks like. Take his best friend out of the equation and just look strictly at your man. What does a future with him look like? Living paycheck to paycheck, taking care of your future children by yourself, not being able to send your kids to college, no more sex, no help around the house, no mentally stimulating conversation. It just sounds depressing.

This man isn’t a captain, and I don’t think you should be with him... he never will be a captain.

missylizzy · 2020-05-11T04:32:55+00:00

I did this too. And it was wrong. I married the wrong person. And I ended up leaving him and hurting him.

It is better to leave now than later. If nothing else, DO NOT MARRY HIM unless you have 100% no doubts!!!

Cultivate_a_Rose · 2020-05-10T12:25:16+00:00

I don’t really know quite where to start with this, but there‘s a couple of things stand out.

Firstly, if you are looking for someone to be the father to your children, kindness and humility are worth more than gold in a father. They are worth more than an encyclopaedic knowledge of Sartre. Kindness, a loving heart, the ability to laugh at himself: these are the qualities that children come to revere in a father. These are what fatherly love is made of.

Secondly, you have to rid yourself of the idea that this man - the friend - has any idea of making a pass at you at all. You seem to think because he pays a little court to you that he is actually offering you the place of honour in his life as his partner.

Men worth knowing don’t steal their best friend’s girl.

Yes, some will. Some will break the bro code. Some will have affairs with their sisters in law, too. You can find degenerates and the faithless and treacherous everywhere. You don’t want to make a life with someone like that. He will have shown you his character, and it is degenerate. You can only expect him to treat you with the same faithlessness.

This guy is not an option. It’s not in the cards for you, and if you try to make a pass at him, he will reject you, tell his friend, and you will be trudging back your parents’ house in disgrace.

On a practical level, you have to start avoiding this dude, subtly but effectively. You are behaving like a child with a crush and if your fiancé hasn’t yet noticed, he soon will. The idea of him teaching you to drive - being alone together in a car away from the boyfriend! - is a non starter. I don’t know if you have the self control for that and it looks like you are building some rationale to be alone with him. You are planning to marry. You should not be putting yourself in situations where you are alone with a man you are attracted to. When he visits, be as pleasant as ever, but find something else to do in the house. Fold laundry, scrub the toilet - be elsewhere.

Please, sweetheart, don’t put emotional energy into this. It’s robbing you of your happiness.

AriesAsF · 2020-05-10T13:13:46+00:00

Your resentments will grow over time. Marriage and especially children puts flaws under a magnifying glass. Financial security is incredibly important if you want to be a stay at home mom, which you should be free to be if that's your wish. Imagine how you will feel being forced to go back to work with a newborn at home because your husband cannot provide? This is an issue you need to face. And also, realistically, are you of high enough smv to attract and retain a man with better prospects? Be real with yourself here and best of luck.

2020-05-10T15:59:56+00:00

You definitely aren’t in love with him. You’re gonna leave him, be real

curious-girl-5 · 2020-05-11T03:12:35+00:00

Let's list the variables here:

You are 21 years old
You don't love this man
You don't want to be a compliment in his life
You don't have the same longterm goals as him (i.e. he wants kids, you don't)
You have eyes looking elsewhere
You are 21 years old

okaywhocareswhat · 2020-05-10T15:39:54+00:00

I just can’t get on board with the whole, “dump him.” If you’re young, this may be the perfect opportunity to grow and build with your partner. It will bring you closer together.

You’re clearly infatuated with his best friend, you know it’s wrong. My advice would be to end communication with him. Don’t be alone with him, and focus your attention back on to your fiancé. Sometimes we can’t help but compare, but remember you’re NOT in a relationship with him.. and so there’s no commitment there. You don’t know how the best friend would be in a committed relationship.

Be blunt with your fiancé. Tell him it’s his job to fix the things around the house. Tell him you want him to take care of his health and be more fit. Get him to lift weights instead of running. He may be taking you for granted and it’s okay to tell him that. Men have an innate desire to fix things, see how much he’s willing to fix what you want. Don’t nag, be matter a fact about what he does that bothers you and why. Let him communicate his thoughts about it. Have a conversation.

Remember why you fell in love with him, those qualities are still there. You agreed to marry this man and now you’re being tested as a future wife.

skizzum97 · 2020-05-10T13:24:43+00:00

I think you have grass is greener syndrom.

You said yourself that this best friend can do better than the girl he has... Doesn't that tell you something? That maybe this guy has major shortcomings beyond just being financially successful?

Acrobatic-Stuff · 2020-05-10T11:48:46+00:00

If I am allowed to share one small idea about your situation, please, just wanted to point out that normally being a really talented musician goes along with the qualities you are seeing in the financially successful.

A really good musician is all the qualities you described about that man, the only one missing perhaps is that he is not rich. In my stimation, a musician should provide for you everything that a rich serious guy can not and does not understand, therefore it is hard for me to believe that your boyfriend is that talented at music, and as a musician myself who knows many musicians I'd have to see him to be able judge him myself. That being said, absolutely he can be the kind talented guy that good musicians are, I absolutely don't know your situation and it is you the one living it, so just wanted to point out what are the advantages that you should receive when you choose a musician who is not financially successful.

Title	Feeling attracted to my fiancé's successful best friend and I want it to stop
Author	underwhelmedkiwi
Upvotes	10
Comments	48
Date	May 10, 2020 11:36 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/ggzy6d/feeling_attracted_to_my_fiancés_successful_best/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/feeling-attracted-to-my-fiances-successful-best.662740 https://theredarchive.com/post/662740

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