Just need to do some midnight journaling.

I think I snapped this quarantine. The thought of being in a relationship with a man isn’t appetizing AT ALL anymore. I used to desire a relationship and would fawn over any cute boy on the street. Or fantasize about what life could be like with an idealized version of a man. Nope, can’t relate to that anymore.

While I do miss cuddling at times, I don’t miss all the energy I spent on dudes who weren’t for me. Although not all of them were terrible people, being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t actively WANT you in their life and who is unable to process their emotions is EXHAUSTING. Mentally and physically. They take and take and take so much from you, and don’t give back. Being in my early 20s, this isn’t the time to be looking to invest myself into someone else.

I’m much better off doing my own thing. I have much more inner peace and less confusion. I spend more time thinking about what I want out of life and doing stuff that interests me. I don’t feel guilty about not spending enough time with them or aiming to be the “perfect” gf (past pick me behavior!). I know I’m the prize, and whoever doesn’t get that can get off.

Breaking up sucks. Even if the dude is whack, there are still parts we idealize about them. I’ve gotten through the worst of the post-breakup blues and the feeling of finally being free from them is wonderful. If anyone reading this is at that sucky stage, the feeling will pass! They’ll get more and more dull until you wake up one day and realize you’re not angry or upset for what he took from you or couldn’t give to you. Those feelings won’t control you anymore. He’s just another person, neither evil nor an angel.

From now on, I won’t let any guy waste my time. One strike, and you’re out. No more, “oh, maybe I should give him a chance...” NO. I’m just fooling myself and wasting my own time with that bull. No more pretending, no more ranting about boys to my friends, just do my thing and ignore their worthless attention. They aren’t worthy of any of my (or your) attention.

These aren’t super revolutionary thoughts. But I FEEL IT to my core now. It’s true for me now.