does anyone else have this loneliness that never really goes away?

Mean_Green_Kween · 2020-04-26T02:41:49+00:00

[deleted]

thegypsybean · 2020-04-26T03:44:38+00:00

I’m also anxious-attached, and I used to be just like you, falling head over heels for the first guy to show me even one iota of decency, after a six year abusive relationship that gave me PTSD.

Then I’d get rejected for being a huge Pickme, and the loneliness would consume me. For me personally, I was diagnosed with ADHD, and my therapist told me that those of us with ADHD do suffer from rejection sensitive dysphoria, which does make rejection feel like the end of the world.

It’s something that I’m constantly working on myself, because I do relate to that loneliness that is just sitting there in the background like white noise.

What helped me was working on nurturing my friendships, and throwing myself into my creative outlets(art/writing). I’ve become comfortable with the fact that one day the right person will come along, and if not, then I have a Plan B where I will be just as happy 😊

These days, if I get rejected I give myself a few hours to a day to be sad, then I move on. I’d rather be “lonely” than being with someone who makes me feel alone.

tellmesomething11 · 2020-04-26T03:18:34+00:00

I think loneliness is something that isn’t always discussed. Sometimes the urge for physical contact can be very strong. But eh, it is what it is. I also feel like I become super attached so I’d rather deal with loneliness than feeling overwhelmed and filled with anxiety (which tends to happen to me in relationships)

I think sometimes I’m afraid of commitment. I don’t really know. But I totally understand what you’re saying❤️❤️❤️

LadyGrimes · 2020-04-26T08:04:15+00:00

Do you have any pets? Having something to nurture and care for helps with this. You can get a lot of oxytocin from interacting with the pets and getting loved back.

And to stop craving validation from men just remind yourself that the majority are trash and would never love you the way you want to be loved. Is it better to be noticed by trash or enjoy your time alone?

jadedilla · 2020-04-26T16:47:23+00:00

Oh hey. I just made a post about this and Alan Robarge. Funny. Not really but you know.

Yes. I do feel that way.

But then when I have someone, I’m not even happy because I continually stress over how I might lose him or them and obsessively strategize in all the wrong ways. Feels like a hamster wheel.

Slowly this sub has helped me to try something new.

My point is finding people isn’t the cure to the loneliness. If you’re anxious in relationships, you’re still missing something, and it’ll still make you lonely. Loving yourself is the first step, I think.

Great post OP!

lilitha134 · 2020-04-26T06:08:29+00:00

Do you enjoy things? I am asking because if the only way you spend your time is by talking to others or posting online, then you aren't really used to doing things on your own.

I used to kind of feel like you until I realized I had no idea how to spend time by myself and what I enjoy doing. I was going to work and then going out with friends. So on Sundays for example, when I had nothing planned, I would freak out and get that "weird feeling" You describe.

What worked for me was developing hobbies, interests, setting fitness goals, etc., basically doing things alone that bring me joy. It's normal to feel lonely from time to time and to want some company, but if you feel like that constantly, there is an issue. If you find yourself not being able to enjoy anything, then you could be depressed.

Mean_Green_Kween · 2020-04-26T18:12:15+00:00

Yes, i do and i wont waste your time telling you to ask yourself shit because you probably have and even know the reasons of your anxious attachment. But I can tell yoj what I have done to get over it. However, I must warn you it only happebed because i was at my lowest and i did something i didnt agree with and it was the worst thing I've ever done to myself. I got real low...And that low point made me angry.

I deactivated my social media to stop myself from seeing the men who hurt me. Blocked my exes too.

Started putting my time in meaningful work and job search.

I moved cities to a new job.

I started focusing on fashion and looking good. But it wasn't for me in the beginning. It was to appear unreachable to men. I wanted to feel that i couldnt be touched by men. It worked. I was suddenly intimidating men and it felt damn good. However, now I do it for myself now.

Focused on savings and travel.

Learning new language.

Socialising more with women.

So, focus on making yourself feel and look good.

woiashenseea · 2020-04-26T05:02:15+00:00

👏 IT'S CALLED DEVELOPMENTAL TRAUMA

we ALL have it - period, no one comes away clean. No one! No man nor woman. Everyone is in this boat by default. Everyone feels like this. Some people aggressively default to denial, and never stop being in denial about it.

The people who dont seem to feel like this, are the ones who have channelled all the pain into hurting others, or themselves - bullying, hoarding power, domestic violence, emotional manipulation, verbal abuse... "benign" or otherwise, they have shut off the full range of feeling, to get away from that feeling.

That feeling devoured my insides for decades. It needs to be CRIED about!!!! A lot! Express it, therapy can help and online resources too, but in the end we all need to know how to feel our feelings alone, without "support" every time. It's a long road!! But life is traumatic. Unless you're one of the ppl who heals that loneliness pain... then life becomes surreally beautiful and rich!!

Pete walker has a good book on cptsd. Lundy Bancroft has a good book on abuse, which offers insight. Seek to understand yourself

brainsandb00bs · 2020-04-26T02:27:50+00:00

I’m not encouraging you to self diagnose or anything but you may find r/BPD relatable. Have you talked to a therapist about the lonely/empty feeling? I think everyone can benefit from therapy, whether or not they have a mental illness or past trauma or not.

plantbitch45 · 2020-04-26T04:08:51+00:00

Try focusing on your self really get into your hobbies and enjoy your alone time. Cutting out social media could be a good temporary action to really push yourself.

You need to build confidence and understand that people will like you for who you are.

retro_glamour · 2020-04-26T06:27:30+00:00

I recommend the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I have an anxious attachment style, and coupled with deep insecurity and abandonment issues, I always felt lonely when single, and major anxiety while in a relationship.

I've had lots of therapy because I'm lucky to have worked a job that has great insurance for the last 6 years. Therapy and reading self-help books has helped me flourish in life, and now I'm single, having healthy interactions with men, and feel great about it.

It's been 8 months since my last relationship (2+ years of emotional and verbal abuse) ended, and I've actually grown secure and confident. I even reached out to a colleague that I've had a flirtation with since Christmas. I told him I was attracted to him, but not ready for dating quite yet, and that I would very much like to get to know him better He responded very positively and we have a budding friendship with great chemistry.

There is hope. It all starts with you learning to love being with yourself. I know that sounds cliche, but it's cliche for a reason.

pleaseclap · 2020-04-26T10:57:53+00:00

We all die alone in the end.

heliodrome · 2020-04-26T19:39:03+00:00

You're dealing with what would conventionally be described an addiction (codependency). You might want to look into a therapist that specializes in an addiction as well as a psychiatrist. There are a lot if resources out there and a lot of help.

Title	does anyone else have this loneliness that never really goes away?
Author	Mean_Green_Kween
Upvotes	84
Comments	21
Date	April 26, 2020 2:23 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/g86d0h/does_anyone_else_have_this_loneliness_that_never/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/does-anyone-else-have-this-loneliness-that-never.677555 https://theredarchive.com/post/677555

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