Breakup Strategies

TempDetect · 2020-03-23T00:28:50+00:00

I always try to avoid any "you" speak ("You should have done, this", "You are X, Y, Z", etc.) - anything phrased like "you" gives the other person an "in" to invalidate your feelings, and I'm just tired of that. Depending on the level of effort you want to put in and the length of the relationship:

- "I'm stepping back from this for X and Y reasons."

- "Thanks for your time. I'm leaving/done."

- "I see things here that are not good for me, and I don't want to continue this relationship."

or simply:

"I don't want this relationship anymore."

These are simple but difficult in practice. If I'm in a push-pull relationship, by the time I get here, I always want things to be different than they are but know that it's lost. I hope this helps, and good luck.

szsunshine · 2020-03-23T00:55:24+00:00

Is this after several months together or just a few dates?

If after a few dates “I don’t feel the chemistry” or “I don’t feel we are a match.” (you can add “best of luck to you” if you want).

If it’s a longer term relationship “I don’t see this going anywhere,” “I think this relationship has run its course,” or the blunt “I’m not feeling it anymore.”

In all of the above examples, it’s your feelings (vs. something he did, which he can promise to change). If he’s arguing about HOW YOU FEEL, there’s something wrong with him and it’s a clear sign you need to be out anyway.

bloofoster · 2020-03-23T01:50:27+00:00

Unfortunately with a skilled manipulator or narcissist I'd do it over the phone or in public, ideally where neither of you would be relying on a ride home.

Honestly, where and how you break up is more important than the actual words you use. They'll twist your actual words anyway.

To a reasonable person 'I don't want to' is a reason to break up. It's THE ultimate reason to break up. Not wanting to date someone is an actual reason. Just like 'no' is a complete sentence.

But for manipulators and narcs it's always '...but why? I just don't understand! Make me understand!...'

THAT is a well with no bottom.

As long as they keep the conversation going, they win. They can literally exhaust people into staying with them. They don't really want the reason 'to understand' anyway. They want the reason so they can argue you out of it.

And the thing is, you already know you're dealing with a difficult person when you need advice on the right words or phrases.

zzzelot · 2020-03-23T02:09:46+00:00

Keep it short and firm. There has to be no room for negotiation. Example: "This relationship isn't working for me. I'm done. Please don't contact me again." You don't owe him an explanation/justification. If you need to use: "I do not love you. This is over. Do not speak to me ever again." This is notice of leave NOT a discussion or negotiation.
Do it in a way that you can physically leave in a safe way. This is SO important. Manipulative people will do anything they can to make you stay. This includes keeping the conversation going, wearing you down, and I've had a guy come BACK to my house because he wouldn't take no for an answer. Consider a phone break up for those kind of guys so you can hang up. Remember- you don't owe him ANYTHING.
Truly go no contact. The only exception I have ever made to this rule was a guy who was very sweet to me but it didn't work out. Even with him I enforced a "no contact for at least a year" so that we could get over each other and heal.

Bonus advice (this is where I went wrong so many times): you cannot care if he gets mad or sad. Don't try to leave this situation as the "nice guy". This will get used against you as ammo to convince you to stay.

2020-03-23T02:51:56+00:00

When he comes back and tries to manipulate you “unfortunately that doesn’t work for me so I’ve made the decision to move on”

JasmineDragon110 · 2020-03-23T03:25:23+00:00

He will ask you to explain why you want to break up so they he can refute all the reasons and talk his way back. Or he will just start attacking you. Do NOT bother going back and forth with anyone. Don't waste your time. Say what you gotta say once and block.

SavvyPanther · 2020-03-23T00:42:02+00:00

Schedule a breakup on your calendar (preferably in sharpie so you don’t get the urge to reschedule). Look at a calendar so you don’t accidentally break up with someone near their birthday or when you are in the heat of the moment and get dragged into a long discussion or emotional outburst.

The just say, “I want to break up, this just isn’t working for me.” And preferably have something scheduled afterwards so you can say you have to get going.

99power · 2020-03-23T08:10:34+00:00

For the abusers, check out the Grey Rock Method. I’m no expert but I’ve heard from a lot of victims that it pretty much saved their life.

radical__daphne · 2020-03-23T06:46:39+00:00

He only deserves a text message and then an immediate block.

"I'm dumping you. Bye."

You don't need to explain yourself to a manipulator and you don't need to meet him in person and have a discussion about it. He doesn't deserve it.

keyrArA · 2020-03-23T04:32:52+00:00

Ghost for 5 days, then text message break up.

90sCosmoEnergy · 2020-03-24T11:34:19+00:00

Do it over text and fuck the etiquette rules that say that's tacky. Men do shit like that to women all the time, nothing wrong with turning the tables.

Title	Breakup Strategies
Author	dalenoriah
Upvotes	57
Comments	12
Date	March 22, 2020 11:42 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/fn9t6d/breakup_strategies/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/breakup-strategies.679731 https://theredarchive.com/post/679731

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