You may have just figured out your boyfriend was a complete bum. You may have realized your kindness leaves you drained and used by people. You may have realized you feel alienated by your friends telling you your standards are unrealistic. You may have realized you're a pickmeisha. Are you ready to level up for real? Take FDS serious?

Let's start here. This is for the new members on FDS who just have no clue where to start. I see messages from confused new girls and I figured a master post would benefit. It's okay babes I've got you! Hopefully my advice brings you understanding, peace, and awakens the confidence within you.

Your boyfriend/EX is low value.

Your BF isn't all that and a bag of chips you thought he was. That ex your crying over? Girl.. he asked you how to boil water, let's shut that down. If he's emotionally stunted or abusive - gaslights you, dismisses your emotions/concerns, unable to communicate, unable to love; broke/cheap/jobless on his friend's couch/unambitious - any man who has the confidence to ask you for money is not okay. I'm dead serious. Leave that alone; has poor hygiene/unable to take care of self - must I even continue? yeah... Non-committal/uses you for benefits - do not let cheating become normal to you. Disrespect is disrespect. There is no reason to stay with anyone who is willing to waste your time. Normalize leaving after the 1st red flag.>

You'll be surprised with how much you realize you put up with. Take the time to reflect, say the 'eww's and 'why did I do that's. Note what went wrong in the relationship and that you won't tolerate those anymore. Relationships aren't difficult, just notice the red flags and be prepared to walk when things don't line up with your values. Trust your intuition.

There's nothing appetizing about a man who isn't devoted to you, acts indifferent to you, abusive to you... etc. You deserve the partner you want and you can have it if you stick to your standards and remain true to yourself.

Build up your mentality.

If you realized you have much to work on, take a HUGE pause on dating. It's time to get you in shape. Let's start with the mind. A strong sense of self, confidence, and self love is essential. It is the most important thing a woman could ever have. Society thrives on your insecurities. A woman hating herself opens up access to every horrible person in the vicinity. It's going to take a lot of unlearning and reprogramming. Start being comfortable saying no, sticking to your boundaries, and only putting your time into things that invest in you. It's okay to be "selfish" with yourself, time and energy, remember that.

Any insecurity/subconscious belief you have of yourself (I'm ugly, I am worthless, I can't do that, I'm too ___ for that..) can be changed. I promise you. When negative thoughts creep up, hear it, think "is this really true?", and replace it with a better thought. (I'm not cool enough to be friends with her to Yes, I am. I'm literally the funniest girl I know. I am such an enjoyable presence to be around. It's easy to make friends.) Create new thoughts. It may feel fake for a while but you will believe it, as cliche as that sounds. My life did a 180 when my thoughts changed. If you want to change your life, change your thoughts. Make your head a wonderful place to be, not the thing that makes you cry.

Throw out the victim mentality. Forgive yourself for the past mistakes, learn from them and take lessons from them so you know not to repeat, and take accountability. As bad as he was, you are responsible to some degree too. You may have let your standards slip, allowed yourself to disrespect your boundaries, put too much of your energy into him instead of yourself or your friends who've been begging to hangout. (Not victim blaming abuse victims. It is not their fault -- their partner's abusive behavior is a reflection of said abusive partner, not them.) You have full control over your life, stop blaming things you can change. Don't hate on others for their success, know that they pushed themselves to get what they want. Be inspired, never envious.

Control your emotions and reactions. From the public eye. Especially if you've just gone through a breakup. I know you're super tempted to throw subliminal messages, post cringe sad posts/paragraph text heartbreak memes, and keep tabs on your ex. Don't blow up phones, send long explanations, triple text. etc. Nope, we don't do that over here. All exes are blocked or deleted when that relationship ends. No contact. Your dignity is needed here. That means unfollowing him on everything, delete all the pictures & messages, and cutting off all communication. You do not need to let him or the world see how torn up you are over him, it's better to keep it cute and move on. That part of your life is over and you're ready for better things -- those can't come with you. I know it's terribly hard, I've been there. But keeping those memories and contact lines open will do nothing but reopen that wound and prevent healing. When you break your arm do you bash your cast open every few days to check if it's healed?

Become comfortable with yourself and your solitude. If you cannot stand without a man/male validation, that is not healthy. You should be so comfortable with yourself that you're good with or without someone; that way you don't find yourself being codependent.

Stop being so nice to men who couldn't care about your wellbeing. You can be kind without being a doormat, you don't owe anyone anything. Be safe and move accordingly. Do not fall prey into being overly empathetic and guilted by a man making you go against your values. Save your unconditional love for friends, family, animals, and children. Use your discernment well with men and let them prove they are worthy of you.

Have fun getting prettier.

Invest in yourself. Ever wondered why women always get prettier after a breakup? Why she finally excels in her career after she leaves a loser? Why she finally has the time and funds to upgrade her car, home, and social life? That LVM was not adding to her life... he was subtracting from it. Personally, this is my favorite part of the breakup process, a little revenge if you will. You're single and free to explore your new options! Now's the time to dye your hair that color you've been too scared to do, throw out your ratty graphic tees and leggings to trade in for a new wardrobe, implement a skincare routine that feels like a beauty ritual, start working out, etc. Whatever is authentic to you. It's helpful to document your journey & strategies/plans in a journal too.

Visualize your dream self. You should be aspiring to be like the woman you want the future you to look like. Start acting like her, dressing like her, speaking like her, thinking like her.. you should be able to look back and make your old self proud. Really sit down and ponder on it. Day dream. Write down the exact traits she holds and get into character... it's action time. Take those steps and you will become her sooner or later.

Find a realistic muse. It's always great to gain inspiration for other women you admire and have those same traits you wish to embody. If your instagram feed is full of women who look completely opposite from you and cause you to feel bad about yourself -- delete and replace with women who look like you. It's healthier for your peace of mind and allows you to get a better idea. YouTube is a great place to gain tips to upgrade your appearance.

You will align with certain people once you work on upgrading yourself in all aspects. People will fall away and it's okay because they aren't on the same path as you.

Girls hating on other girls for caring about their appearance are lame. Do not become jealous or mean-spirited when other women take the time to make themselves feel pretty. Another woman's beauty is not the absence of your own. She should inspire you, not fill you with hatred.

Ready to date FDS-style now?

Once you feel mentally stronger, confident with yourself, and happy with how you nourish your social life/career/hobbies, it's safe to date. How you choose to go about your dating life is personal and different for everyone. Some women don't seek out long term commitment so they have fun going on dates and being great company while allowing the man to court them correctly (I'm celibate and definitely still have fun with this) . Some women do want commitment so they may be more selective and serious with how they go about dating. Some like dating apps, others like meeting organically. Either way, there's still dating etiquette we follow here.

Do not overstate or overexplain your standards! I know many women are tempted to shout their new found standards from the rooftops, tell men off when they lowball you with low effort, and constantly post about said standards. Not even to people close to you. You don't need to talk about it to be a high value woman. If something doesn't meet your expectations, walk away from it. That's it. It shows up in your actions not your words. You can talk about your standards all you want but if you don't enforce them it's pretty much pointless. Just peep and ignore/walk away/block/delete in silence.

You don't chase, you attract. Repeat that twice. It's not your job to approach a guy, court him, and split dates. If a man wants to pursue you, allow him to court you - only the ones you like, of course.. feel free to decline anything less. He asked you for time out of your day and your energy to get dressed up for the date, so there's no reason you should be reaching for your wallet. Make sure the dates you're asked on are actually worth your standard... 'cause sitting in his basement couch watching Netflix is beyond low effort. Don't go to his house or invite him to yours when first getting to know someone either.

If you want to get his attention, put yourself in the position for him to approach you. Be in the area; brush past his table to talk to your friend in the table besides his, squeeze past him to grab that napkin, ask him for help to grab something too high for you, etc. Visit places you know your type of man would visit and events where you could run into them. I would go against professing your feelings to your crush and asking him out.. if he wanted you, he would have made it known. Even if you do that, he may agree but only stay for the benefits you're giving him (easy sex and attention while the girl he wants comes around).

Don't allow yourself to be a forever girlfriend, a 'buddy he screws sometimes', or strung along. Don't offer girlfriend benefits without the commitment. Time is valuable and you can't waste it. If you are single you are free to date whoever you like, don't allow people to guilt you into being loyal to someone you aren't even in a relationship with. If you feel yourself putting way more energy than a man is into you, check yourself and fall back.

Be choosy with who you give your body to. Whoever it is, just make sure they're worthy of it. Vet him thoroughly and take as much time as you need. Never give in just because of pressure that you owe him. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. You have the green light -- he is on your time.

Learn from other people's mistakes. Not every lesson has to come from your own downfall. Take note of behaviors in other people's lives/relationships and know you should never put up with that. If your coworker comes in miserable everyday with some new drama on her 7 year rollercoaster of a relationship, listen to those stories and pay attention to how it effects her. Do you want that life?

Take any of the advice that works for you. It's your life, make the most of it. Be smart and get what you want. You are capable of anything you dream of.

Good Reads:

Why Men Love B*tches by Sherry Argov

The New Rules of Attraction by Arden Leigh

A Goal Digger's Guide by Baje Fletcher (yes Goal, not Gold)

The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism by Olivia Fox Cabane

All available for free on PDFdrive.com to download!