I haven't seen specific posts about this, or maybe they are much older and not in the handbook, but I wanted to share the red flags I have learned from being a single woman with kids preteen and under. Vetting is even more important when you have children because as soon as men are aware you have children, their behavior and intentions towards you become very different than if you were child free.

Beware:

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  • A man who repeatedly gives / tries to give your kids candy or toys without your permission. Predatory men are aware this will make children like them no matter what they look like or if they are a bad person. I called a man on it once and asked him not to and he did it anyway saying "I want them to like me." Ignoring the mother's express wishes is also a (misogynist) red flag.

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  • A man who has almost exclusively dated or slept with single mothers before trying to get with you. Men do this thinking single moms are desperate "easy" prey for sex and if they stick around after sex they are always looking for a replacement mommy to exploit and leech off of rather than an actual girlfriend/partner/wife.

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  • A man who wants to meet your kids right away or meets you/hits on you while you are with your kids. This man often ingratiates himself to your children to the level that they love him and then he thinks it will force you to date him / sleep with him because your heart is supposed to melt at the fact your children love this stranger they just met. Essentially he's lovebombing your kids. Kids say they love anyone who gives them toys, so don't involve them. Do not let your kids decide who you date!!!

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  • A man who only "tolerates" your child/ren but who gushes about having children of his own with you or who spoils his own bio children with another woman and gushes about them. This man is always going to treat your children that aren't his like crap and is often a sociopath or narcissist who views his own children as possessions that are "his". He will resent your kids' existence, resent spending time with them, and resent spending money on them. This man is the type who will try to make you love him more than your own children. No.

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  • A man who says he has children of his own, but you discover he doesn't coparent, is a deadbeat dad, lost joint custody, lost access, or flat out has never seen or interacted with the child of his own choosing. Just no.

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  • A man you've only just met or just started dating who tries to parent your kids. He is trying to insinuate himself as replacement dad without actually earning it and often ends up being a misogynist who will not follow your parenting example and just do what he wants and ignore your established rules and routines with your kids in favour of his own. Sometimes grandparents pull this too. No. Have firm boundaries.

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Advice:

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  • Get a very good paid babysitter that is reliable for when you go out on dates. Make sure the time is blocked off and no one calls you during the date. Family is great, but not as reliable as someone you're paying, especially at night and on weekends.

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  • Do not tell a man you are dating that you have kids until he has demonstrated he is into you, committed to you, and planning to stick around rather than just being after sex. Then you tell him you have kids and introduce him to your kids. I don't care if it seems unethical, the alternative is to either be preyed on or be immediately dumped for having kids. If a suitor directly asks you, deflect with a vague answer like "I love kids" or "I always wanted to have kids" and then quickly distract them with another topic. Bring it up again when they, not you, ask for exclusivity.

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  • If your kids really don't like someone, I also take that as a red flag. I'm not going to try to make things work with someone my kids flat out hate and refuse to warm up to.

If anyone has further red flags or advice, I'd love to hear it.