I'm a pathological liar, and probably a complete psychopath. Made some changes but need tough love and advice

Dark_T100 · 2018-12-05T07:38:55+00:00

It sounds like you might have some psychological issues that are beyond a bunch of bros on the internet and you may need to see a professional.

I would recommend you realize that this girl might not be here forever, most things are temporary, but thats okay.

Go read the sidebar (dont take everything you read too seriously), and dont neglect your health or your finances.

Good luck

44361066 · 2018-12-05T07:56:41+00:00

Bro realizing you have a problem and the will to change is a good start, I guess psychopath won’t even do that right? You just need to quit a habit, it’s like men masturbating to porn their entire lives. Won’t be easy but not impossible.

See a professional asap.

greendurag · 2018-12-05T09:29:06+00:00

Make yourself the hero instead of the villian in your inner monologue. The bio you just gave sounds like that of a capable person. I think you are still hung up on this girl. Have you already tried the last ditch angle where you tell her she makes you a want to be a better person? I actually like the accidentally bumping into her w church tactic. And you actually did grow up religious. Ok, I think I know your problem.. your instincts are good but you tend to execute too quick in the moment. Try being more reserved about revealing info. Also get to know yourself better. In other words, you give quick answers to avoid introspection. You aren't necessarily trying to lie but but the things you say turn out untrue because you don't truly know your own character. Try and incorporate phrases like "I made a mistake," "I'm in the process of thinking about that," and "I changed my mind." .. "I'll try get back to you" ie stall tactics. The psychopath thing sounds like a cop out. I don't blame you.. sounds like you haven't had the easiest go, but I wouldn't be surprised at all if you can handle it.

astrogatorjones · 2018-12-05T10:25:03+00:00

man, it’s astonishing that you managed to develop this level of self awareness. While you may be a pathological lier you managed to at least tell the truth to yourself, which is fucking hard to do.

Go see a therapist, keep going until you open up and tell everything. Write it down if you need to, you can do this.

Whisper · 2018-12-05T17:17:14+00:00

You're not a psychopath. Psychopaths are born, not made. And they don't feel ashamed of being psychopaths... if anything, they are proud of it, because they generally see empathy as a weakness. However, they know perfectly well that others consider them to be monsters, and thus would almost never voluntarily fess up.

If anything, you may be a sociopath instead. Sociopaths are made, not born. Unlike psychopaths, they possess the normal sort of mirror-neuron development that allows humans to have empathy and feel each other's feelings... but the normal function of these have been partially suppressed by trauma or other environmental influences.

Also a possibility is narcissistic personality disorder, which means, in a nutshell, that you suffer from the delusion that you are inherently unlovable, and therefore you have taken great pains to construct a false public persona that you believe can be loved.

If you are telling the truth, which is by no means guaranteed, then it sounds like your early upbringing functioned as a sort of Skinner Box to teach you dishonest behaviour. While mainstream psychology would focus on "curing" you, TRP psychology would take the approach of freeing you from the compulsion to act manipulatively.

In other words, you want manipulative lying to be a tool in your toolbox, not a compulsive behaviour that you engage in whether it helps you or harms you. A fundamental premise of TRP is that how people "are" is best described not an immutable "personality", but as a collection of habits... we are what we repeatedly do.

To be different, do different.

Identify situations where honesty will benefit you instead of hurting you. Practice telling the truth in those situations. Focus mentally on the benefit you hope to gain.
Start small.
Try practicing telling the truth on strangers you will never see again. This may reduce your fear of honesty.
Remember that the problem is not your ability to lie... lying is useful. It is your compulsion to lie when it is NOT useful that is hurting you.

Dilduo · 2018-12-05T09:25:34+00:00

I have memories of girls smiling and saying hi and I literally flipped them off in an involuntary movement of my body because of social anxiety.

^This cracked me up lol.

Dude your fine man. It take a lot of balls to admit that. I wouldn't go bring up that your a huge liar to future girls though on your new found path. what they don't know wont hurt them. You told your first truth today by letting us in on all your lies.

I would talk to someone more qualified then people on reddit for this one though although this doesn't hurt.

The worst thing you can do is lie to yourself. If you really want to stop lying in general that willpower will overcome it. Start small. once you realize how liberating it is to break free from your compulsive lying that will further push you in the right direction.

Lying though is an important strategy to get through life sometimes, know that you will be in situations where its better to lie. Just don't lie to yourself or the ones you care about. Seek professional advice and start small.

2comment · 2018-12-05T10:32:09+00:00

Nothing you wrote indicates psychopathy. They have low fear and impaired empathy for one. They don't lie for the same reasons you do nor would they have guilt over it.

One possible way to stop is to distangle your web of deceits. Tell people you told important lies to that you lied, why you lied, and that you're sorry.

If it's as pervasive as you say, this will be like tearing off a bandage, a mummy sized body bandage, it's gonna hurt a lot and probably fuck up your situation and reputation in the shortterm and maybe long term too.

It'd be easier if you were a -path with little remorse or anxiety.

forever_alpha · 2018-12-05T10:51:49+00:00

If you were a psychopath you first of all wouldn’t care about all that shit and seek for advice.

Second of all you wouldn’t have any anxieties.

I think you’re just a little messed up because of your family history and conditioning.

You’ve defined your problems so you should be able to change. Start telling the truth and make it a habit. Reflect on your actions.

Maybe consider therapy also.

Emerald__Faith · 2018-12-05T11:25:44+00:00

Honestly.

Take acid
You will be reborn

You sound like your on the path, keep walking.

tylrmcnl · 2018-12-05T10:13:20+00:00

Yo honestly I was just like you then I started seeing women for what they truly are and realized if you have anxiety it makes even more of a target I started to stay on guard and my anxiety,mental health, and physical health got significantly better so what I suggest is you take a break from tryna be cool and trying to impress women to figure out and learn about yourself stop dressing to impress and dress to be good enough for the day and remember don't let anyone or anything tell you who you are

byronichero99 · 2018-12-05T11:05:13+00:00

Try reading about the concept of shadow self. Jung coined it and there are several books on it. I

screechhater · 2018-12-05T12:04:16+00:00

Dude.

I can only imagine what it is like losing a mom. And, at 8 years old ?

Give yourself a break.

But seriously, cut the bullshit and move forward. Just make it a habit to brutally honest, with tact of course.

The sidebar reading gets you to a point with this

yunhaila · 2018-12-05T14:47:23+00:00

Lying was a coping mechanism for your childhood pain. It was good back then, as you were only a child. Thank your past self for this. But acknowledge that it is time to move on and mature.

Look up Dr. Gabor Matè. His talks on youtube with Tim Ferris has been very therapeutic for me and I highly recommend for you. It is based on childhood trauma and understanding why we come up with the coping mechanisms that we do.

W_O_M_B_A_T · 2018-12-05T16:44:12+00:00

Your parents were child abusers. Child abusers are the most cowardly scum on the planet. They need organized religion to shield them. Whether you lied to them or told the truth wouldn't have stopped them from being cowardly sick fucks.

You have this belief that lying to your parents protected you from their abuse, but in the end it didn't, did it? So what difference does it make? This is your personal matrix you need to unplug yourself from. That lying could have somehow protected you from your predator sperm and egg donors.

Like most toxic habits, it's really about the lies we tell ourselves.

Psychopaths and Narcissists don't experience guilt, shame, or remorse about their lies. They show a smooth lack of concern about being discovered that they are not what they claim to be.

You have childhood trauma issues and trust issues, and lie as a defense mechanism.

SteveStJohn · 2018-12-05T11:14:18+00:00

You are on your way. Congratulations.

"I'm constantly in a state of anxiety of being exposed."

Sounds like you haven't achieved outcome independence. Try reading Mental Models: Abundance vs. Scarcity by Illimitable Men.

Good luck

dtyler86 · 2018-12-05T16:36:09+00:00

Do what I do, tell the most direct stark truth and with all of your will, don’t explain why. Someone asks if you’re free and you don’t want to hang, just say no. If a girl you’re interested asks why you haven’t called her, tell her you’re talking to someone else or just not particularly interested.

If looking cool and also reducing your anxiety is the goal, this unashamed honesty seems to build mystery all the while you have nothing to hide.

rockyp32 · 2018-12-05T16:38:55+00:00

It means your afraid to truly show ur self because you have been reinforced to Think it’s not good enough. Doesn’t matter what ur doing it only goes bad once you add judgement too it. I would reccomend meditation and ask yourself why you won’t show ur true colors and if it’s logical

htbf · 2018-12-05T16:45:48+00:00

You have an issue but it's also a gift. Do you know what kind of strength it takes to carry those lies for that long? Do you know the kind of character it takes to blatantly ignore social rules and carve your own path?

You have a powerful gift. You get to choose how to use it.

If you want to use it differently, the first step is to forgive yourself. Truly do it and let go of the resentment. The truth of your life scares you for some reason but it doesn't need to. You are strong enough to carry the truth and face it.

Psychotherapy may or may not be necessary, it's tough to tell. I would suggest to wait for a bit and see if you can have a personal breakthrough on your own.

If you need a man to talk to about this without judgement or cajoling, pm me.

CodyCodeine · 2018-12-05T16:45:54+00:00

Lying is for losers. What's that make you, Adam?

Buckeye1234 · 2018-12-05T17:51:30+00:00

You don’t put bad food in your mouth because it will eventually catch up with you. Makes you fat and unhealthy.

The same applies to your mental health. You’ve been feeding it junk. Lie, cheat, steal. All good. We’ve all been there. It will also catch up with you. Make you a miserable addict, where you drink and abuse drugs just to accept yourself. Time to start feeding the mind healthy food—honesty, justice, compassion, kindness. Like a good diet it will turn things around.

Thunder_banger · 2018-12-05T17:52:29+00:00

Anything that's become so ingrained is the work of the subconscious. It's amazing that you're conscious of it now and want to change, so that's step one. The best way to affect the subconscious is to meditate daily for 10 minutes. Get used to the feeling of thoughts coming up, and then forming. Before you know it, you'll have more control in accepting then rather than lying your way through a tough situation uncontrollably.

You don't need someone to berate or scare you into change and call it tough love. What you need now is discipline.

TheGoldenLeprechaun · 2018-12-05T18:00:28+00:00

Psychopathy is partly driven by intelligence/rationale. The ability to rationalize any and every action because X until it eventually becomes habit. Which is why therapy sucks if you're equally or much more intelligent than your therapist. At some point you may even start fucking with them, which is why a lot of psychs don't treat borderlines like you, and if they do it's for the milk because they know they can't help you.

If you can't stop, and you can't shut your mouth, then you'll have to practice associative / reward / punishment cognitive behavioral training or whatever it's called. Wrist band snap, pinch, etc... slowly introduce this reward/punishment system, make sure it's something that will motivate you. Entrepreneurs who have working businesses are disciplined but open-minded people. So be careful about lying to cover more lies to maintain the status quo.

That said, as you get older it will start to drastically fade. Mostly because you'll have way less fucks to give when you start growing grey dick hair. But 10 years of CBT will help speed things up. Get started.

Side Note: Calling out bullshitters used to be a fun hobby of mine. Watching them panic and squirm as their stories got publicly reduced to smoking ash was hilarious. I don't think you wanna be that guy. Keep that in mind when lying.

[deleted] · 2018-12-05T18:35:12+00:00

Go to therapy and also Build a plate rotation

[deleted] · 2018-12-05T21:06:55+00:00

You're not a psychopath. You just fell on pathological lying as a coping mechanism for having a low self-worth and for dealing with anxiety over same. That's incredibly common, and it's something that therapy (CBT specifically) can help you with to a very serious degree in a relatively short period of time.

Meanwhile, just stop saying shit. Whenever you feel the urge to talk just for the sake of talking, which is where most if not all of your ridiculous lies come from, just don't talk.

Keep in mind that more people see through your lies than you think. They just don't say anything.

Lem0nzzx · 2018-12-06T00:16:33+00:00

You're a pathological liar but based on the second half of your post, you don't seem like a psychopath at all. You're much more normal than you think. But you should still see a professional.

faustian_talos · 2018-12-10T08:17:27+00:00

You are not a psychopath.

donkeydodo · 2018-12-05T08:45:33+00:00

There is a webpage called Betterhelp.com - therapy online. You can try to rationalize to yourself that the person you're writing to is never going to know who you are, so you can be as brutally honest as you want based on that premise.

perplexedm · 2018-12-05T10:45:00+00:00

Then a parent died from cancer

Wasn't that your biological mum or dad?

If a mate said "can your mom drive us to x, y, x" I quickly lied that she wasn't available because of a business trip, vacation, busy, etc. Lied like this for 10+ years.

Why did you have to lie here? What was the motive? Were you lying on behalf of your parent? What would've happened if you didn't lie?

Cheated on every test in highschool.

You didn't get good tuition or guidance...

Lied to everyone about everything I could to make myself look "cool" when I was petrified of a social interaction.

You have other family issues, which probably caused your lying issue from the beginning.

I have memories of girls smiling and saying hi and I literally flipped them off in an involuntary movement of my body because of social anxiety.

Totally expected in case you have bad family background and support.

pretended to walk into her worship place

Isn't that a church ?

She was shocked because she thought I was a cocky party boy. She thought it was a divine revelation from a higher power that I showed up that day. I faked it all 100% and convinced them all because I'm insane.

You have good impersonal skills, fake it till you win it. Required for business there days and social interaction with women in contemporary times to an extend. You should consider this as a positive value which should be used in a good way.

went to the religious building

Again, can you be specific why you are not calling that religious building a church?

while she talked about marriage and introduced me to her father.

Interesting.

I lied to her about my schooling, ex girlfriends, my family, my hobbies. Almost everything because I felt like I wasn't as good as her.

Bottom line I lied to her about 99.999% of things. And I legit loved her despite my lies.

It is normal for women to have more life experience than men these days since they are pampered by society and their parent's willingness to support their vices. No big deal.

Naive men find it difficult to understand and uncover vices of women. They mistake innocent looks and emotional behavior of women as a mirror of their true soul. The fact is they too have their own load of issues.

She could've uncovered your lies in a later stage and felt cheated in her life. But if you were so good at life later, she would've ignore all that.

So when she said that her family had to move across the country, and we had to "break up" I was broken for months.

Why they have to move across the country. If she was seriously in love with you, why did she move? Even considering she introduced you to her father, talked about marriage, etc.?

Have you ever felt she is really not into you? Don't you think you escaped unhurt here? Do you think she at least partially understood your background?

But I still lie every day to almost everyone.

You can change that.

I'm constantly in a state of anxiety of being exposed.

Don't take it emotionally even if you get exposed. Think as if that is not a big deal. Find means to cope with the realities in a open to the face manner. No need to be selfless, no need to budge in front of those who can be against your interests also.

What should I do TRP?

If you concentrate well, you can make it well in business. That is why you should do. Take some guidance from good counsels, not the kind which gives you guilt trip.

You are a very capable person, you only need some guidance and consul. Understand they everybody have their own load of issues and you are not alone. Consider losing your gf for now as a closing moment and take it forward in a positive manner.

Kommanderdude · 2018-12-05T19:53:51+00:00

Yeah, don’t go to a psychologist. They’ll just try to make you a beta bitch. They tell you you have toxic masculinity and recommend that you take a pill to reduce your testosterone levels. Plenty of psychopaths and sociopaths are at the top of the ladder in this world.

MrAgamemnon · 2018-12-05T08:25:55+00:00

I'm constantly in a state of anxiety of being exposed.

You will be exposed. 100% you will be exposed and your reputation will be ruined, it will be brutal. It will be ruined forever.

No one will trust you again, your friends will desert you.

You can't stop lying, you have already have a web of lies which you will want to continue.

You only have one option: sell your business and move, move across the country (or to a new one) where nobody knows you and start fresh, no more lies, no more deceit.

But only if you can stop the lying. If you can't stop that when you start fresh, there's no point.

People can forgives thieves, rapists and murderers, but liars are unforgivable - once trust is broke...

Sorry for being brutal, but that's how it is.

Abnull · 2018-12-05T10:08:36+00:00

Lying is a sign of caring about the outcome. A person who doesn't care about the outcome won't need to lie. Outcome independence.

I understand it may be different for you, lying is built in now. But if are always lying it's going to be hard to go from full throttle into reverse.

Try setting a quota of lies you are allowed to tell per day and slowly decrease it. Make the amount achievable.

Be optimistic about it. Set a valid inspiring reason to not lie.

I'm a pathological liar, and probably a complete psychopath. Made some changes but need tough love and advice

"Have you already tried the last ditch angle where you tell her she makes you a want to be a better person? I actually like the accidentally bumping into her w church tactic. "

"Using the word "professional" in all caps isn't evidence."

Title	I'm a pathological liar, and probably a complete psychopath. Made some changes but need tough love and advice
Author	NikeSigma23
Upvotes	67
Comments	57
Date	December 5, 2018 7:26 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/a3a2ko/im_a_pathological_liar_and_probably_a_complete/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/im-a-pathological-liar-and-probably-a-complete.69818 https://theredarchive.com/post/69818