Girl I’ve been dating has admitted to fucking someone else

Bruchibre · 2018-12-06T04:42:56+00:00

I think the moment you tell a girl she is not exclusive and make her understand she can sleep with other guys, you can assume that she will. Hypergamy, nothing new under the sun.

uwotm891 · 2018-12-06T03:46:53+00:00

The same girl that wanted exclusivity from me can fuck someone else the same week that I spend a lot of time with her?

Why shouldn't she? I don't see why you expected anything different than what she did.

Is it unreasonable to even feel upset about this?

You can feel whatever you want, but you brought it on yourself. You aren't exclusive. You showed her that you didn't want to be exclusive. She acted accordingly. She's only following your lead.

What were my mistakes?

Wanting her to be exclusive and not telling her so.

Is it over with her?

It was never started with her, so it can't be over.

TopOccasion29 · 2018-12-06T10:28:37+00:00

You: I've told her it's too soon to consider it serious

Her: *Fucks another guy

You: *shocked Pikachu meme

Ceroe · 2018-12-06T07:30:11+00:00

She's doing what you're doing, not being exclusive.

CainPrice · 2018-12-06T11:49:21+00:00

Girls that you are having casual sex with are having casual sex with other guys, whether they tell you about it or not. If you don't want to be her boyfriend, she's going to keep looking for a boyfriend while fucking you, and maybe other guys, when she's horny. This is how casual sex works.

I don't understand guys who are mad at casual sex partners for not acting like girlfriends.

TheTrenTrannyTrain · 2018-12-06T04:31:33+00:00

You will get 2 opposing answers on here.

1) you 2 aren't exclusive, so therefore if she fucks someone else while you 2 are hanging out for the last 8 months, it's no one's fault. Upgrade or downgrade as usual.

2) she has shown that she cannot be trusted. She has made no effort to win you over and had decided to fuck another guy, or she was lying to try to get you to commit to her. Both show that she's not a LTR material. She will forever be a plate and nothing more.

KoolAidMan7980 · 2018-12-06T08:47:40+00:00

You thought that even though you didnt want to be exclusive, that you still owned her. Guess what? It was only your turn. AWALT bro

quadraticreciprocal · 2018-12-06T07:10:22+00:00

Jesus christ, why are guys forgetting AWALT?

See what happens? Now your fi-fi's are hurt because she fucked someone else. Tough.

richi0003 · 2018-12-06T07:34:50+00:00

So you told her you don't want exclusivity, and then when she fucked someone else you are pissed, did you expect her to beg you to become exclusive? Are you brad pitt or somethin? Feeling hurt is alright and understandable man, if you feel like sick every time you see her from now on, drop her homie.

omega_dawg93 · 2018-12-06T13:05:36+00:00

here's what OP and a lot of you guys are missing:

she didn't just fuck some random guy. this guy was likely in her cock rotation the whole time she's been non-exclusive. she just admitted to it bc she was OVERTLY asked. she's either super honest or she's giving OP a hard shit test.
if she did fuck some random dude, esp raw, she's fucked other random guys raw. this immediately disqualifies her for any future LTR consideration.

OP, until the two of you decide to be exclusive, expect her, and any other woman, to do what they want with other guys. they barely have a filter in relationships... so why expect them to be good outside of one? girls love cock.

my advice: read up on one-otis and plate her until she brings up being exclusive again... and wear condoms until then.

XT3M3 · 2018-12-06T13:56:27+00:00

let me get this right, so she asked what are we, you said pretty much fwbs. over time you started catching oneitis for this girl and dropped your other options. you apply dread to this girl (purposeful or accidental) and now you are torn up that unlike you, shes been following what you told her months ago? we are fwbs.

bro this is completely on you here. , your ego is hurt here. that is all. you dropped your plates like a moron while she took her freedom and ran with it. then you ran out of her place after you found out? lol. you need to get thicker skin, this is a plate. you can keep plating her or if your pride is shot , jusr drop her

HellRaisor · 2018-12-06T09:23:06+00:00

Well u arent wxclusive already. What do u want? Same as u fuck other girls she fuck other guys

TopOccasion29 · 2018-12-06T10:27:38+00:00

You weren't exclusive, you were also talking to other girls and she acted accordingly. If you didn't want her seeing other guys, you or both of you should have set that boundary. She can't wait on you forever.

thatbadlarry · 2018-12-06T15:19:54+00:00

You told her you didn’t want to be exclusive so she wasn’t exclusive. What on earth else would you expect? You have no right to expect anything other than what you got. This one is on you.

Psychological_Radish · 2018-12-06T16:11:47+00:00

So let me get this straight: you deny her exclusivity, continue fucking other girls for a while, and then hypocritically storm out in a jealous Beta rage when you find out that you can't have your cake and eat it too? Bravo, guy.

My guess is you're also losing value in her eyes, because girls stop paying attention to other men when they see you as the leading Alpha. Even in a non-exclusive FWB relationship, girls will often remain loyal as long as they believe that they have a chance with you. Something that you did - loss of Frame/Beta behavior or too much 'player' vibe - caused her to lose attraction to the point where she decided to wander off the reservation. I would reexamine your behavior and try to pinpoint where things started going wrong for you.

Kpwn88 · 2018-12-06T12:41:49+00:00

This is the classic double-bind. She couldn't get you to commit with "the talk" so she foolishly thought making you jealous would force your hand. There is a good chance this sexual encounter she's claiming she had never even happened, but she made it up thinking she could manipulate you.

Either way, this situation is a lost cause. She burned you, and even if she had good intentions doing so, it will set a bad precedent if you decide to keep seeing her. There will be more of this in the future.

I was in a similar situation. Three months after I met my wife, she asked "where was this going" I told her that we've only known each other a few months, but I couldn't tell the future. I said I enjoyed her company, but if a relationship came out of it, I'd like to see it develop naturally through us spending more time together. So what did she do? She doubled down on showing her loyalty to me. She even removed all the orbiters she had in her life. To this day, I am the only man besides her father she speaks to on a regular basis.

If a woman is worth the long haul, she will enter your frame. There will still be shit tests, but ultimately she won't want to do anything that will risk you walking away. This woman's gambit shows two things: 1. You aren't attractive enough. 2. You've started getting oneitis and she could see through your charade.

coldser · 2018-12-06T11:03:21+00:00

Girls do that and men (we) do that too it is the nature of humans

Aesthetik_1 · 2018-12-06T11:59:04+00:00

If you don’t specifically have a deal with her to be exclusive and she has options she WONT be exclusive man

ollyollyollyoioioi · 2018-12-06T13:03:18+00:00

This is harsh but if you're having to ask your RP bro's how to feel about your girl fucking someone else, you have a long way to go. Accept responsibility, move on. As Tony Robbins says, When you are grateful, fear disappears and abundance appears.”

AtlasCuckd · 2018-12-06T13:20:14+00:00

I'll also add you lost frame by leaving immediately . What did you expect bro? She's following your lead

firstname_greatest79 · 2018-12-06T13:27:44+00:00

She asked what are we, you didn't say exclusive. She moved likewise. Case closed.

A_solo_tripper · 2018-12-06T13:41:56+00:00

The same girl that wanted exclusivity from me can fuck someone else the same week that I spend a lot of time with her?

Yes. Welcome to women. They aren't loyal.

Is it over with her?

No. You can readjust your relationship with her and the other women in your life.

ChadTheWaiter100 · 2018-12-06T14:55:02+00:00

Downgrade to plate status. Although you two were not exclusive and it doesn’t really matter who she fucks- if she was implying that she wanted you to be exclusive but she was still fucking around then that’s a character flaw.

ohyesimthatguy · 2018-12-06T15:07:10+00:00

Ideally you can not be exclusive with a girl and still have her only fuck you. Flirting excessively with another girl in front of her is not a good idea. Give other girls just enough attention so that the girl your most interested in sees that you have options, but nothing more than that.

How are you in bed with her? Of you're giving her an amazing fuck everytime she won't want to fuck anyone else. If you ejaculate in under 15 minutes you definitely need to work on that. Does she feel safe with you? Does she have fun with you? Point I'm trying to make is that there's something she's getting by fucking other people that she's not getting from you.

I wouldn't throw it away. Act in different and find more plates to spin. You said you wanted to see where this goes, so keep fucking her and spending some time with her and see where this goes. You need to decide if you want to be exclusive with her or not. There's nothing wrong with being exclusive with someone if she meets your standards. There's also nothing wrong with spinning plates. BTW, how old are you?

NeedingAdvice86 · 2018-12-06T16:56:11+00:00

What the fuck did you expect? You wanted a plate, you got a plate.

I would suggest in the future that you not take so seriously the rigid uncompromising musing of a bunch sofa sitting twits that have not actually seen a pussy in years....if think that these nitwits actually are keeping hot girl around begging for their dick without providing commitment and such like they pretend....please.

You told the girl that you weren't interested in her and a relationship...you weren't giving her your attention and just using her for an occasional fuck..so she went out and fucked other dudes when you were busy elsewhere.

Thizzlebot · 2018-12-06T22:30:40+00:00

Lol she called your bluff you said we aren't exclusive so you have no right to be mad

Talinor09 · 2018-12-06T07:58:04+00:00

Personally I think you've brought this on yourself but not seeking exclusivity. If it was only a plate then you had to be willing to let her go, let her find someone else if you couldn't find exclusivity.

That being said, if she slept with another guy, how soon did she sleep with you? Did she use protection? Did she act different that day/week?

In one of my previous LTR's I found out that the girl slept with someone early on. Clearly we were dating seriously and hadn't had "the conversation", but we were banging a few times a week, having unprotected sex and I had organised an overseas holiday away. She banged 'a friend' then claimed it was borderline rape. I only found this out near the end of our relationship but it left me feeling disgusted as I remembered her gas-lighting me at the time asking if I was sure I was clean. The morale of that story is that she was a selfish and overly hypergamous bitch. I hard-nexted and watched her social life crumble around her, which was oddly satisfying until I realised that she ended up having zero friends, which made me realise she actually had deep-seated personality problems stemming from childhood. These are those pesky little red-flags which we so conveniently avoid.. until oh snap she's on someone else's dick.

Now ask yourself - why do you care? Did you frame it as an open-relationship? From your message it seemed that you wanted to see where it goes where generally implies good faith on both sides (open and honest communication - i.e. just so you know i slept with someone else.. what do we do now?).

Do you still want her? Do you want exclusivity? I sense if you ask for that now you'll be on the backfoot and catch oneitis. Maybe give it some time..

empatheticapathetic · 2018-12-06T09:30:51+00:00

Glass is already broken

throwawayycheyeah · 2018-12-06T04:16:21+00:00

Its definitely over. Even if you didn't ask her for exclusivity, you were spending a lot of time with her for 8 months. That kind of disrespect isnt worth it. I'd ghost her or downgrade her to a plate but make sure she knows shes nothing but an easy fuck now.

VasiliyZaitzev · 2018-12-06T14:21:32+00:00

She’s upset about some things, and says that she didn’t like that I gave too much attention to another girl that joined our group during a night out. She tells me she would rather not know or see if I flirt/fuck with someone else. This leads me to ask her if she’s fucked anyone else recently. She tells me she has; an old friend of hers two weeks ago.

And

I just feel a pit in my stomach and leave her place.

Evidently you would rather not know either.

The same girl that wanted exclusivity from me can fuck someone else the same week that I spend a lot of time with her?

Why be angry? You weren't exclusive. Now you have a plate. Go get more plates.

Peter_B_Long · 2018-12-06T18:31:51+00:00

I just feel a pit in my stomach and leave her place.

Sounds like oneitis. Remember, AWALT.

ALWAYS assume that she is capable of cheating. Even if she's your LTR. Even if she's your wife!

This leads me to ask her if she’s fucked anyone else recently.

You really shouldn't give a fuck about this stuff. Just like asking her how many guys she's fucked. I understand you were vetting her, but being emotional about it is a beta move.

Is it over with her?

No, you just demote her to plate. It seems like she was FWB and maybe you were considering an LTR. But now, she's knocked down a peg to plate without the possibility of becoming more. If you can't accept that, hard next. For your own good.

It still feels terrible to just throw what we had aside.

You got too emotional with this one. Always keep your distance and always have options. Always assume the possibility of something like this happening.

Women are unreasonable. I had a good plate at the beginning of the year. Always available and cool to hang around with. One time she sits me down and says that she has something important to tell me. She tells me that she's going through a divorce. I'm a bit surprised, but I keep my cool and reply with, "I'm cool with that. I'm not looking for anything serious anyways."

Her hamster starts spinning and she mumbles out, "but I.. it's just that.. some of my friends think that.. I thought that.."

I'm like, what are you trying to say?

She ends up telling me that she wanted to pursue a relationship together with me.

What I wanted to say was, "Are you fucking stupid. You're going through a divorce and you want to be exclusive with me?"

What I said was, "Well, I like what we have. And you should definitely finish following through with the divorce before we even talk about being exclusive" (dangling the carrot).

She seems disappointed, but I'm fucking shocked that she'd bring up being married AND wanting a relationship with me in the same fucking conversation.

Women are unreasonable.

[deleted] · 2018-12-06T18:33:32+00:00

You caught feels. Plain and simple. Sounds like to me you don't have a goal, direction, or purpose in life. She can sense that. So she looks for other avenues. You were doing the same. Two lost souls in the abyss. A man finds purpose is doing things. A woman finds purpose in a man.

Sort out your life. You know what to do more so than anyone here. So just do it.

Memeandmesomemore · 2018-12-07T10:23:18+00:00

The way she brought it up though is interesting.

She tells you she's unhappy about how you "gave some other girl attention" when she just fucked someone else.

That's called projection - shifting her guilt onto you and making it all your fault.

It's a bit like gaslighting and is what you get from people with personality disorders - I think if you'd LTR'd her you'd be in for a drama filled fuck up of a life, so I'd hard next her.

Not worth the hassle and headaches.

Wolveryn · 2018-12-06T10:04:38+00:00

Its only sex... there's also a chance that she was testing you and didnt actually fuck someone... then it backfired on her...

If you want to go exclusive, make the agreement.

torzyy · 2018-12-06T10:44:41+00:00

It was his turn, now its your turn.

WakeUpAlreadyDude · 2018-12-06T10:47:45+00:00

I’m seeing all of these comments about the exclusivity rules. Whatever.

It’s true that the social contract in the 21st is that you have to agree to be exclusive. It is what it is. Although I would also suggest that it’s reasonable for people engaged in an ongoing sexual relationship to advise that they are actively seeing other people. It’s just normal and safe in a world with STD’s.

I think your feelings are hurt. Not only are all women like that, but men are like this too and feel things they aren’t completely aware of feeling. Until it’s too late.

Honestly. You won’t ever get over this if you want a relationship. It will always be there when things go bad. Any relationship will sour because your ego is bruised and it will not get better.

Keep her as a plate or say goodbye.

BewareTheOldMan · 2018-12-06T17:14:22+00:00

Ladies and gentlemen I give you TCSR: Terms, Conditions, Standards, and Requirements

TCSR is established within the first few weeks of a relationship by both the man AND the woman. By doing this, there is no need for "the talk" eight months later to determine relationship status. Relationship status is determined up front, it's honest for both parties, and fully in the open.

Due to prime years age-range concerns and N-Count issues, this is more important to women than to men.

It's ridiculous to think a woman can go weeks, months, and years without FULLY understanding the nature of a male-female interpersonal romantic relationship.

There's no reason to guess whether or not you're a Plate, Male Plate, or whether you're exclusive and possibly destined for marriage. It's folly to move forward in an unclear manner when women can obtain sex so easily or when some so-called Alpha Male has a large number of women in his sexual rotation.

The risk of sexual diseases alone is enough to ensure clarity when engaging sexual activity with other people. [Side tip: Wrap it up!]

PRO TIP: TCSR is established within the first few weeks and within or first few dates for any conceivable male-female romantic and/or sexual relationship - you'll be glad you did.

Lastly - as per the Summary Posting, this "non-relationship" is over. You know better for the next time.

Dilduo · 2018-12-06T09:39:40+00:00

its not unreasonable to be upset, but you weren't exclusive and were talking to other girls while seeing her. your just upset cuz she was doing the same thing you were, and its just a shitty feeling in general

Just talk to her dude, if you want to be with her and be exclusive just say that.

She probably got the vibe you weren't and did the same things you were doing, seeing other people. She clearly likes you and doesn't want to be hurt by you seeing other people, but at the same time feels guilty for doing the same herself. If you just talk to her and let her know your into her more then that, I'm sure she will feel the same way.

Just because you spend a lot of time with her doesn't grant you the rite of her not seeing other people when you never even talked about it. She's keeping her options open because she feels you find someone else. When you tell her you don't, she will be relieved and want the same as you.

BusterVadge · 2018-12-06T13:54:09+00:00

The same girl that wanted exclusivity from me can fuck someone else the same week that I spend a lot of time with her?

AWALT dude... She probably just didn't feel exclusive to you in the moment.

Is it unreasonable to even feel upset about this? What were my mistakes? Is it over with her?

Not unreasonable at all. I guess technically she did nothing wrong, and your mistake as you mentioned was that you let other women drop off your radar. Whether it's over or not is up to you but if a girl started trying to lock me down while not showing she's serious about a LTR through her actions, she would stay at plate status forever.

2comment · 2018-12-06T11:38:06+00:00

Is it unreasonable to even feel upset about this? What were my mistakes? Is it over with her?

I'm gonna disagree with most here promoting scarcity mindset and having you run out give away your committment for loyalty. It doesn't happen.

They all wanna make it seem that if you played the beta game and responded to the "What are we?" with a nice show of gushing commitment, that you would have gotten a better result. You wouldn't. She would have fucked on down the line while you're at home planning you two's 9 month anniversary.

We all know being a girlfriend doesn't make them act better. Or become more committed. Or that cheating has any social ramifications anymore. The girl isn't LTR material. You just found that out because she told you. Thank her for the honesty, plate her in your head if you want, and then mentally move on. Yeah, it's what's upsetting, but guess what? Most people don't fit through that filter when you have standards.

Just because the proper methodology weeded out candidates, doesn't mean you throw it out just to get more candidates. You'll just get shittier ones.

The whole "What are we?" is a beta trap and roles/labels don't remotely establish the parameters of the relationship, you have to do that yourself. I flip it to "Do you love me?" if they want the talk. I don't really give a shit on the answer because contrary to pop culture "I love you" isn't a sacred magical phrase anymore than abracadabra is. Their actions need to show it, not their words. If they affirm, I ask something akin to "So, have you been my girlfriend all this time?" and let them qualify. Then I make a remark on something I want changed or whatever. If they don't, I shrug, "We'll have to work on it."

So flip that shit around. Many answers playing the equality game in relationships on you with this tit-for-tat nonsense when they damn well there isn't any. A girl will do anything for her alpha without reciprocation while the most supplicant dutiful boyfriend in the world isn't going to get the same level of love back. All you'd be doing is trading in your freedom for nothing in exchange but a feel-good I❤U. Fuck that absolute noise.

Title	Girl I’ve been dating has admitted to fucking someone else
Author	Rhb_
Upvotes	48
Comments	83
Date	December 6, 2018 3:44 AM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/a3k61d/girl_ive_been_dating_has_admitted_to_fucking/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/girl-ive-been-dating-has-admitted-to-fucking.69895 https://theredarchive.com/post/69895

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