About me: 44, 3x divorced as I don't tolerate HVMs sliding into LVM territory. (didn't realise that's what I was doing, either, so that's kind of cool to learn)

About current BF: 52, divorced with a teenager, dating 1 year.

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I own my house, he owns his. The first six months were awesome; he's low libido, but he *always* takes care of me regardless. Then pandemic hit and the relationship got a little offkilter. Now, his behavior had been HVM, but there's some weird areas now that I can't decide if they're LVM shit or just his own weirdness with his ADHD diagnosis. I'd love some fresh eyes on this, and maybe some advice on how to talk with him about it. Normally, I'd just cut bait and bailout, but given the ADHD, I can't tell if it's that or him. (new diagnosis in the last 3 months, just on meds in the last 90 days)

  1. We don't exchange "I love you". Ever. Not once. But he bought me an expensive dream piece of furniture that I'd mentioned exactly twice 9 months prior to buying my house and had it delivered to my front door. He also remembers that I don't like frosting on my cupcakes, and he cooks for me on our weekly date nights.
  2. He uses "our" language all the time (says things like "I think I found our next boat!"), but doesn't talk much about the future at all. Maybe because his kid is still at home for another 5 years? (and if that's the case, okay then. I can't and won't play stepmom to another kid. I did that once already and it hurt too much to lose him when I divorced his dad.) I'm in no rush to get married and might not even want to, if I'm honest. But I would like to know where I stand, I think.
  3. Exclusivity kind of...happened. We both just assumed it after having a brief talk 6 weeks in where we both agreed to delete our online profiles (I made a new one and verified that his was gone, then deleted both of mine.) We've met each other's kids, some friends, and sort of each other's families (both families live in other states and travel is impossible right now due to the pandemic, so we've met over skype. His mom is a lovely woman.)
  4. Texting is spotty, and we don't phone each other ever unless it's an emergency. This is due to us both being partially deaf, although we both phone other people (parents, a very few friends/family). But we do exchange texts every single day, even if it's just "hiya, how's things going today?"

Ladies, queens, I know that I've probably put myself into a garbage situation through my own acceptance of bullshit. Go ahead and let me have it, but if you have advice beyond "read the handbook"? I'd really appreciate it.

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UPDATE: We had a long talk last night. Turns out that he'd interpreted my boundaries far further back than I'd set them and he thought that I was less invested than I am due to a series of early conversations we'd had. Being less demonstrative sort of people doesn't help either one of us in this situation, either. My statements of "not looking to get remarried anytime soon, if ever" and "I don't want to be an active stepparent again" were firm enough to lead him to believe that I was unlikely to change my mind, but he believed that being together in whatever way we can be was good enough for him.

Still not wanting to be a live in stepmom or get married anytime soon (we're both in agreement there, although it's a compromise on his part), but he handed me a keyring with my name on it that has keys to his house, his boat, his motorcycles, and both of his cars with an "I've wanted to give you these since our second date but didn't want to overstep." We discussed our future plans, and apparently he's been looking ahead and including me in all of his early planning, but hadn't talked about it because he was worried about overwhelming me.

For the few who expressed concern over what they termed as "impotence": He's not. He's just low drive. I am too, which is why it works for me. I came from a marriage where I was routinely assaulted as part of our sex life (I'd say no, he wouldn't hear it and would just keep going). Sex is difficult at best for me and the BF is well endowed. If he had a "normal" drive and wanted it 3-4x week, I'd be struggling mentally and physically with it. His once or twice a week drive works for us both, and when I initiate and he's not really feeling it, he takes care of me anyway. More importantly, he initiates non-sexual affection and asked for consent before we ever did anything the first few times. Still does before we try anything new, and still asks if what he's doing is working for me.

Guess what it boils down to is that I kneecapped it myself in the first few weeks by coming down a little too hard on our first dates and then sending some mixed signals. I really just needed to talk with him, and needed the kick in the ass to do it. Thank you, queens.