I broke my marriage. Need advice on how to fix the damage or is it completely destroyed?

Seeking Advice

Suggested to post here because on other subs there is no real advice being given.

Also posted on another sub to get more advice

Might be long post. I am a wreck right now and don’t know what to do?

Me(40F) and my husband(39M) married young and were each other’s first. We have been married for nearly 18 years. We have two children(19F,18M) and both of them have moved out and are living their life.

Due to covid, i lost my job in february and got a new one in august. During this time, my husband had to do more work so that his job must be secured. So he was more distant due to his job. In my new job, i developed a crush on one of the young guy(25M) and started feeling excited. Nothing was wrong in our marriage and i still don’t know why i had those feelings for that guy. I might be insecure in myself. I started arguing with my husband for no reason and blamed him for everything wrong. At that time, i thought of everything possible to be upset with my husband. As in our country, restrictions on covid were removed in late August, so i started going out with my friends. I also started flirting with the young boy.

In early September, i suggested open marriage to spice up our relationship. I told him that i wanted to have fun and suggested him to do the same. I told him that our 20s and 30s went by just looking upon kids and now we should enjoy ourselves. He was completely against it. He said that marriage is not a joke and is special bond between two. At that time, i was having different mindset and told him how he had to change with new lifestyle and how old fashioned he is. He was still against it. So i started manipulating him and threatened to divorce. He finally agreed to open our relationship.

For first month, i hooked up with that guy and had several one night stands. My husband also started dating but never slept with anyone. In october, i started realising that most men never took care of my needs and pleasure. My husband was the only one who took care of my needs. The idea of sleeping with other men was short lived and i stopped it. I started having sex with my husband again and felt great. We were still dating other people. He was dating his high school friend and also had several sexual encounters with her after a month of dating. I started feeling jealous because of him dating her and still sleeping with her.

In mid november, i suggested to once again close our marriage and be monogamous. He was adamant that he would not do it. We had lots of fight. We argued a lot but he didn’t changed his decision. He was still going over to her house and spending nights over there. This situation was like a torture to me. I had to spend night alone in our marital home, on our marital bed knowing that he was with other woman and was entertaining her. On 28 nov, i tried to commit suicide because the emotional trauma was exceeding its limits. I was rushed to hospital by my husband and this led to change him his decision. He now agreed to close our marriage again. I was a bit relieved.

I thought we would recover pretty quickly from this phase of life. But hell i was wrong. He still thought about her. He even bought her a gift for her birthday. He wanted to go to her house to give her the present. But i agreed to let him go to her house on the condition that i would be going with him. We arrived at her house. Her house was pretty big and looked really expensive. We arrived at the door and she opened the gate. She took the gift and gave a hug to my husband in front of me. I got pissed and wanted to leave. She invited us for drinks but i refused and we came back home.

Last night, when we were having sex and he was just about to climax, he finished off while saying her name. I was pissed about it. I felt humiliated and was angry that he was thinking about her during sex also. He was also sorry for this but said that he is still confused regarding her. He ended up sleeping on couch.

This morning, he said that he cannot live like this. He wanted some space from me and that he would be moving out for some days to clear his mind. I agreed to it because i had no other option.

In afternoon, my friend sent me a pic of him at her house. She lives nearby and saw him at her door. I was devastated and called him. He answered and told me that we were on break so we could see other people.

Its been five hours and i am a wreck right now. He is not able to forget her and its ruining our relationship. I know that i already destroyed most of the marriage but now i am going to do anything to fix it. I have written everything unbaisedly so that you can give me some advice. I literally don’t know what i am writing and seeking fromwriting here but i cannot share this with our children.

I have realised how much he loved me unconditionally and i don’t want to throw away our 20 years together. Any advice on how to make him change his decision.