Hey ladies,

First of all, I just wanted to say how immeasurably thankful I am for this community. You're all so lovely and I've been cheering for you guys (literally) everyday for the past year, since I discovered this sub and all the clarity that came with it 🥰 I've been living by the book ever since, next-ing OLD LVM like there's no tomorrow, and since the pandemic started, just stopping with "dating" entirely. It's been really great, and I have to say I'm enjoying life way more now. I'm busy with my career and have dipped my toes in all sorts of past times, and know if I meet someone again, I want to do so organically and get to know them over time (if it happens). I've got a couple more years left on my contract (I'm a scientist), and was even thinking of applying for med school back home after!

I'm really lucky; I've got my family and a great groups of friends... but I currently live an ocean apart from most of the people I grew up with (especially my parents, who are definitely getting older and who I miss everyday). It's been tough, and with the pandemic, I haven't seen them for a year. I struggle with this a lot and basically shed at least a few tears over it every week 😅 I've only been in one real relationship, which lasted several years and ended in him cheating on me and just generally being cruel and horrible for an extended period of time. So... obvious LVM, and it was a horribly toxic relationship, bit there were the trademark "good times" and a niche sense of humour and basically I feel like I trauma-bonded to this person.

Basically, a little while ago, I slipped and started speaking to him again (I KNOW 😖). Anyways, it didn't take me long to snap out of it and realize how stupid I was being. So today I blocked him, off of most things... but I forgot to block his email. I was already struggling a bit, but then I came home for lunch and had gotten a bunch of shitty emails. He wound me up and I'm ashamed to say I replied and said way more than I should have... although now he's blocked on everything, so I guess I've got that going for me 😂

I know I made the right choice, he doesn't contribute anything worthwhile to my life, but I just feel sick over all of this. Like physically ill. I'm ashamed of how I responded and wish I would've just left it to begin with. And I'm agonising about "closure", which I know logically is stupid and doesn't really exist. And these feelings alternate with me being worried about developing avoidant tendencies, because I feel like I've gotten so sensitised to shitty, inconsistent behaviour after dealing with his abuse. And I love my parents and would love a family someday and would love for them to be able to enjoy having grandkids, but straight men have turned me ALL THE WAY OFF.

Anyways, I'm just overwhelmed right now after falling off the wagon and I guess if anyone out there could like, provide a virtual hug and tell me it's all going to be okay, that would be great 😅 And if anyone has any tips for letting go of an LVM that was such a big part of your life for so long but is obviously awful... if love to hear them. Even just hearing that it does get better, because somedays it's hard for me to feel that myself.