"What other people think of you is none of your business" and similar quotes: how true are they?

Cardiscappa · 2017-08-19T02:39:45+00:00

How much value and care should we put into others perception and opinion of us?

I love people's opinions about me because how I see myself and how others see me are very different and I like feedback for improvement opportunities. Not all feedback requires improvement though.

Example - If I had a constant sour look on my face and unkempt hair and someone said I looked dour and haggard, I'd think to myself "Do I want the world to see me dour and haggard?" I don't, so I'd take that feedback and try and improve those areas.

"Be proud of who you are, and not ashamed of how someone else sees you."

Shame is sometimes good. Loud obnoxious feminists who gleefully paint with their period blood and HAES activists have this "fuck what the world thinks" attitude. Shame can keep you from doing something silly and keeps society from degrading. Of course, there's a balance, like with everything in life.

lidlredridinghood · 2017-08-19T14:34:13+00:00

This is a painful area of growth for me.

All of my life, I've been taking the "fuck I don't care" attitude.... I've been loud, crass, outspoken and went the comfortable or lazyroute with my clothes and makeup.

Guess what? I wasn't getting what I wanted. I didn't have any girlfriends I liked. I didn't have a partner that was worth being with, or a relationship that lasted. My career was crawling along (despite me working very hard every day) and I was still as broke as I was 5 years ago.

Maybe 9 months ago now, I decided to stop making my life more difficult, and creating "unnecessary suffering", as Jordan Peterson would put it. I've toned down my social antics (still working on this, and figuring out when anything is ok), I've switched up my wardrobe, learned how to do makeup well. I've lost 40 lbs, and have another 10-20 to go to be very fit. I have been paying a lot of attention to social cues, trying to figure out the game of conversation.... because I never learned it as a kid.

Life is getting better. My career is picking up. I'm making more money. My clients are listening to me more, I get bigger tips and more return clients. I get more compliments in the store, people do random favors for me I never saw before. People invite me over for dinner without me initiating. And my Captain, who introduced me to all this and switched my thinking around, is crazy supportive and the best relationship I've ever been in.

But guess what? A girl in a community I barely know, decided to functionally bully me, and make her negative opinion of my social antics a "consent violation conversation". Eventually? I said "fuck you.... I never asked your opinion" and have with drawn from the conversation. At best she was an acquaintance, at worse I had found her vaguely difficult or annoying before this exchange.

Whether I wanted her advice, or how it was presented, is only half the equation. I have taken the advice, although I already knew it existed. I'm adjusting my behavior in public, and being more careful about what she was talking about (which I already was, but....). Getting feedback as an adult, is HARD. It's not common, at least not on the West Coast.... everyone's too passive here for that to happen.

So, feedback is useful to help you know what's happening. And adjusting as desired, in your own way, as is appropriate to the person and specific advice. And choosing what and how you reply.... or how much you listen. But hearing it to begin with? That information is gold, friends.

FleetingWish · 2017-08-19T04:07:30+00:00

Interesting topic.The short answer is, it depends.

Most of the time you should care about what other people think of you. How you present yourself to the world is important because it effects how you will be treated. If people like you and you present as being approachable you will have more friends who you can call on for favors, more job opportunities, and people will generally treat you better.

It honestly doesn't take much effort to act in a friendly manner, and the rewards for being "likeable" are endless.

However, this doesn't mean always and in every situation. You cannot make everyone happy, even if you wanted to. In the same room there can be one person who wants one thing and one person who wants a different thing, with no way to make them both happy.

When coincidering whose opinion matters most to you, ask yourself who do value the approval of the most? I always value the approval of my SO above all others. That means acting in a manner that would please him, even while he is not around.

Also ask yourself, what do they want? If someone says something negative about you, is their goal to tear you down or build you up? If their goal is to tear you down, never listen to what they think of you. If their goal is to build you up keep them close as a valuable ally.

So while what people, in general, think of you is important. It is also important to draw boundaries in terms of not letting people control you by their thoughts. Some individual, problem personalities, are impossible to please and you wouldn't like trying. Choose the opinions of those who will make your life better, rather than those who feed off negativity.

est-la-lune · 2017-08-19T15:49:35+00:00

I think people should put value in how others perceive us. Humans don't exist in a vacuum of time and space. We constantly interact with other people, and how they see us has an enormous impact on our opportunities. I think that's true for everything from dating to academics to careers. Becoming mindful of how others perceive you shows restraint and consideration (politeness). Treating others with respect also usually negates any bad opinions about you they may have.

As for strangers, being agreeable and approachable by maintaining a cleanly appearance and a good attitude is the best way to meet people who will add value to your life. It also creates a level of social cohesion that makes life a lot more bearable. For example, if everyone followed the rules of the road then traffic accidents will decrease, even though speeding with the roof down is pleasurable. Not yelling at retail and service industry employees helps them resolve the issue thoroughly, process other customers faster, and provide better service.

All of this naturally applies to the crass "I don't give a fuck" attitude that some women (and men) have. For the most part I believe people who are polite do care.

NewMindRedPill · 2017-08-19T20:34:34+00:00

I think this is good advice but its situational.

I'm currently trying to present myself more and more as a classy and conservative lady. Im very down-to-earth but I also like to look polished (note: not glam, simply well-put together). I love business casual looks for ex.

Woman who I want to become closer to: polished, conservative, feminine, health-conscious, traditional, hardworking, etc. are thinking BETTER of me. So I do care what THEY think because I want to have more friends like that and I want their influences in my future children's lives.

Woman who I don't want to be friends with: stereotypical blue pill women riding the CC or women who just don't put any effort into their lives are thinking worse of me. I do NOT care what they think and what they think is none of my business.

I do think its important to listen to people's opinions but not take them to heart so easily. I tend to average out opinions and give more weight to those I admire.

Ex. If everyone is saying I'm coming off as rude then most likely I am and I should listen to these opinions. Some might disagree but if the average person is saying that then I decide to listen.

People will judge you on many things in your life and how their perceive you can open or close doors for you. You will never be able to open all doors (this includes doors to friendship). You have to pick which doors you want to open for you and then focus on their opinions.

My mom's husband doesn't care about what anyone thinks of him. He walks his own path in life. As a result, almost his entire family stays away from him and now my mom is thinking about ending it (she usually ends it when she has a branch to safely swing to.)

So not caring about other's opinions can be good and bad. Everything in equilibrium. Just as fruit is good for you, but certainly not the amount I just ate!

Gardrothard · 2017-08-19T08:08:18+00:00

Others opinions should be used as a feedback mechanism, IMO. If 3 or more people point out something about you, then it's probably true. But you're the one who decides if that trait should be kept or not. By decide I actually mean honestly decide, not rationalize that it's fine when it's just because one is too lazy to change.

1337bun · 2017-08-20T10:06:23+00:00

It's very freeing to just let go of caring about what other people think of us, but at what point can someone care too little?

You'll know. Most social groups are sorted: you just need to figure out whether you're willing to play to the system (getting yourself a seat at the table, so to speak) or not. This does not mean stripping your sense of identity or acting in a way that is not 'you' in order blend in, but there are consequences for the long term outcast that will most likely manifest in insecurity/confidence problems.

Next time you're in a new social situation, try to observe the 'rules' before you offer up any information about yourself. When you connect with someone, do so warmly, without prejudice. Listen, don't talk. In some groups, you'll feel more out of place than others (especially if there's a social/cultural disconnect), but that's human nature. Deep down we all have the same emotional and physiological needs and we want to be validated by one another - it doesn't take much effort to strip back those superficial layers and do so.

If another person insults you, it's important to reflect on whether you've done something to offend them, or whether they're simply threatened by you. Then you can make a judgment over whether it's a 'projection' or just a mismatch in values. If you act level with the people around you, people won't have a need to insult you: you will be their peer.

My advice: try to be non-threatening, and non-judgemental whenever you can. You never know when you need an ally, a good word, or even a friend. You will never be able to please everybody in the world, but you can do your best to not step on any toes. Moreover - know that you can be respected and valued by the people around you despite your differences, without ever compromising yourself.

[deleted] · 2017-08-19T16:42:52+00:00

Perhaps, it's okay to not care about what anyone else thinks because it doesn't always mean one has to be obnoxious. It's one thing to not care and a whole different one to border on offensive.

unixygirl · 2017-08-21T03:36:49+00:00

"I don't give a fuck" and "I've developed self love and confidence"

Are two very different things.

The quotes, in my opinion, are referring to the latter.

Xtinamina · 2017-08-19T00:17:54+00:00

This is a very broad question. Is there anything in particular that you're worried people may be critical about?

As a rule, if you want to be seen in a certain way, you need to portray yourself as such. If you want to seem like a woman who is sophisticated and poised, dress well, take care of your appearance, have good posture, speak only when you have something of value to add to the conversation, keep your emotions in check, etc. That's just one example.

There are some things for which I care about the opinions of others, for other things, not so much. I care about my appearance, so I always put effort into the way I dress, even when I'm just going to run errands. Even in that case, I'm not doing it so much for the sake of other people; I'm doing it because taking the extra time to put together a nice outfit makes ME feel good.

Don't worry too much about the opinions of others. Focus on what kind of a woman you want to be. If you become that woman, other people will see you in the way you want to see yourself.

[deleted] · 2017-08-22T20:42:49+00:00

I think it depends on who the person is- if it is someone you care about (a parent, sibling, SO) then you probably need to care what they say. If they have an opinion or a thought, it probably matters.

Strangers, petty coworkers, and internet gossips? Ignore them all day long :)

After reading some of the other answers I'll expand on mine a bit with an example:

I run with my dog almost every night. In the summer time, it is hot so I wear warm weather running clothes that probably won't be approved of by most here, a sports bra, a pair of spandex, and my shoes. My former SO (living the single life right now), friends, siblings, and parents thought this was perfectly fine. It is hot, I was comfortable. I get comments from people on the street which I ignore. Some are positive, some are negative, but at the end of the day they don't matter. The people who care about me-- my health, my reputation, my run times, ect-- are fine with what I wear, and I'm fine with what I wear. Who cares what the one guy I passed on the road thought?

Whenever I wonder if I should worry what strangers think, I realize it is more important what the people close to me think.

openoids · 2017-08-22T05:06:52+00:00

These truisms above are overly simplistic imo. We are individuals and part of society at the same time. It is fairly abnormal NOT to care at all what others think. I suspect this is very true for females who were traditionally burdened with offspring and depended more on the group for survival than some rogue male. Feeling like we belong somewhere where we are accepted or have fairly like minded associates is evident by all the political conflict that occurs between the left and right- because it's a bit of litmus test for our values, perspective and a template for feeling like we do belong.

Title	"What other people think of you is none of your business" and similar quotes: how true are they?
Author	Xtinamina
Upvotes	22
Comments	14
Date	August 18, 2017 11:56 PM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/6ulshx/what_other_people_think_of_you_is_none_of_your/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/what-other-people-think-of-you-is-none-of-your.73309 https://theredarchive.com/post/73309

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