Late to the game, live with boyfriend and realizing my mistakes

Laceandsilks · 2017-11-23T18:17:34+00:00

To everyone commenting, the OP does NOT have to justify her desire to marry. Any comments asking her to do so will be removed until that portion has been edited out.

Aragorns-Wifey · 2017-11-23T18:32:07+00:00

I’d ask to have a serious convo, kindly tell him what is on my heart, ask him to think about it, and, if he is unwilling to commit, graciously leave.

You don’t want to spend such optimal years being the free cow to this guy so to speak. Whether he realizes it or not he is using you.

I know it’s easy for me to say. I’m not in love with him.

If you end up making a gracious exit that might actually knock some sense into him. It may not even come to that.

danhaas · 2017-11-23T20:16:17+00:00

Some guys are more afraid of marriage (divorce rape) than having kids. What is his family's experience concerning marriage? Are his parents still together? Maybe he has some very specific issues with marriage.

Laceandsilks · 2017-11-23T18:16:01+00:00

You are in a very difficult situation, and I am sorry for the anxiety you must feel.

A few questions to help provide more context:

were you clear about wanting to marry when you first started to date him? By that I mean, did you make it clear that you desire a husband in your future while still young?
did you both have conversations about marrying each other, where he was actively engaging and telling you what he wanted as well?
are you both financially stable? Are there other goals he wanted to achieve before getting engaged?
have you attended any of his social work functions? Are you close to his family? Does he have any siblings? Are any of those siblings married? Is he close to his parents? Are his parents still married to each other?
has he ever initiated conversations about marriage?
why did you decide to move in with him prior to being engaged?
did you think that living together would encourage him to propose sooner?

Unfortunately, cohabitation often stalls the momentum of a relationship. Many people become complacent and think 'what' s the point?'

are there any issues in your relationship? Do you have an active sex life? Is there anything that specifically bothers him?
are most of his friends married or single?

You have very few options ultimately. The first step should be to figure out why he shuts down conversations, because talking about plans in a more concrete manner should be much easier and normal at this point in the relationship, unless he was dishonest about his willingness to marry or his timeline.

Has he ever told you a specific 'when?'

If he is absolutely unwilling to discuss the future in more concrete terms, and you are sure that he doesn't have plans already set in motion, then the only thing you can do is issue an ultimatum. Be warned that these rarely work, and when they do it often tarnished the dynamic. It is an all or nothing gamble that you have to follow through with regardless of the outcome.

I do not advise using an ultimatum except as an absolute last resort. It will mean the relationship ends if he doesn't meet your demands, and few people actually enjoy getting married if it happens because the woman has bullied the man into compliance.

If you have tried every other earthly thing possible, then you can say that you have to know that he wants you for his own, as his wife. That you want to be engaged withing 3-4 years and if he cannot see that as a definite outcome, then that is going to be a problem.

You then have to decide if you will wait those 3-4 years to see if he comes around, or end the relationship much sooner.

There are pros and cons to each. If you wait 4 years and he doesn't propose, then you have to start over, and you will be dating and single, but much older.

If you cut out now, you risk leaving just before he comes around and gets his shit together.

I don't have the right answer, I am only posing questions and giving you a last resort scenario to consider.

Without more information, it is difficult to say what exactly might be going on.

girlwithabike · 2017-11-24T22:49:32+00:00

I think that u/Laceandsilks asked a lot of questions that could potentially change the advice here and I agree with most of what she's saying.

BUT I disagree with giving an ultimatum. I think that as u/Aragorns-Wifey says:

I’d ask to have a serious convo, kindly tell him what is on my heart, ask him to think about it, and, if he is unwilling to commit, graciously leave

Here's why. If he's always dragged his feet, then a straight up ultimatum is going to give him an opportunity to 'yes' you to death all over again. Since he's already given you three years of "yeah babe, of course we'll get married down the road", he's had the opportunity to be upfront or to give you a definitive time frame. He hasn't done that. So a conversation is definitely warranted BUT at 25 you are at the point where additional time being strung along is detrimental to your market value (sexual and relationship). So allowing him to buy more time with an ultimatum is only a problem for you not him.

I think that if he's not ready to get engaged now (not saying you have to be engaged tomorrow but he has to be ready now), and be prepared for him to not be, you should move out and start dating again. Rather than issuing an ultimatum (you marry me or I walk) walk and let him figure out what the ultimatum is. It will be a lot better indication of his intentions if he has to actively decide to pursue you.

You still have a reasonable amount of time to hit fairly close to the markers that you set for yourself, which I think are pretty reasonable. But the longer you give away the milk, the harder those markers will be.

And I think you should be upfront about why you are walking. Tell him that you want to be married and start a family and you are obviously on different pages. You love him (presumably), you think he'll be a great dad and husband (presumably - if you don't think this - and his deflections on marriage are certainly a valid reason why you may not think this - then you should just walk period), you see a future with him (presumably) so tell him all that. "SO, I'd like to be married, and I'd really like it to be to you, but it doesn't have to be if you aren't in this with me"

I believe that long term an ultimatum may not be the best thing for you mentally either. If you push him into marriage, you may find yourself questioning his loyalty or seriousness or whatever down the road. To my mind, if he comes after you once you've gone and you accept him back, he's demonstrated that you are important to him. If you say "now or never" and he says "ok fine" will you feel the same way?

If you were 23, I'd say that you should talk to him and wait it out a little longer. But at 25 your time is too valuable to wait and see or to be indecisive.

fairydust91 · 2017-11-25T15:48:55+00:00

I am 26, living with him for one year, together for two. He has one more year to propose and then I'm out. I've made this clear, in a much more eloquent way.

If you are financially OK, IMO there is no reason why you shouldn't at least get engaged by next year. I would leave if I were you, something doesn't smell right.

I understand that men are terrified of 'divorce rape' but a) you can't always assume he's got more money than she does and b) can't you tell when someone is a horrible gold digging wench before you marry her? I feel like it would definitely come up at some point.

BewareTheOldMan · 2017-11-24T06:20:05+00:00

There have been a few posts on marriage, cohabitation, and similar topics as of late.

The following is a repost [excerpt] from an earlier discussion in RPW titled: My boyfriend feels pressured to marry me.

[With cohabitation] there is less incentive to propose – the general benefits of marriage are already present. The longer this goes, the less incentive for legal marriage. The legal benefits are missing, but in some states cohabitation over a specific term is de facto marriage – and even then there is legal confusion on marital property, legal rights, assets, benefits, death benefits, etc.

There's something to having a reasonable timeline.

I also recommended a general guideline which may/may not be useful. If not, you may be able to pass the information to others/someone in a relatable situation. It’s outlined: Best practices for women who want marriage within a specific/approximate timeline (leading to a natural conclusion).

More importantly - the core discussion on this topic took place between 3 x commenters/users: u/akuahmsc, u/girlwithabike, and u/MetalDevils. There are points of disagreement, but some of the comments may/may not be applicable and/or useful to your situation. You might wish to give it a look.

Best wishes to you and your situation.

whoozitz222 · 2017-12-04T02:05:34+00:00

You need to arrange to move out. Be kind, be sweet. Tell him you're having doubts and move out. He will not propose while you live with him. He probably never will, but he won't while you live together. Don't have discussions. He needs to beg to talk about it. He has all the facts he needs regarding the relationship and you've removed "the chase" that men love.

EDIT to add. Do not give him an ultimatum. Ultimatums never make for a good marriage. You will regret it later

eazolan · 2017-11-25T18:00:21+00:00

He doesn't want to get married.

Look, it's been 4 years. If he wanted to commit, it's not that hard. It's really, really easy in fact.

[deleted] · 2017-11-25T22:54:53+00:00

Well, my first thought is to ask you if you truly believe he is The One. Do you think you could find someone else you click with at least as much as him? Is he worth even considering waiting around for?

TheBunk_TB · 2017-11-23T23:49:51+00:00

You need to have a serious conversation. Ask him if it is one of his desires and if you are in the picture.

(divorce rape), its one thing that my friends had a tough time personally but it is another when a man gets to the courtroom. A lot of gambling.

vitringur · 2017-11-23T21:22:24+00:00

Why do you need to be married? Why do you feel the yearn to make a contract about shared property?

Why don't you talk about having children instead? That's the real part of it all. Marriage ultimately means nothing.

Title	Late to the game, live with boyfriend and realizing my mistakes
Author	aredpilltossaway24
Upvotes	14
Comments	17
Date	November 23, 2017 5:24 PM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/7f13bs/late_to_the_game_live_with_boyfriend_and/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/late-to-the-game-live-with-boyfriend-and-realizing.73803 https://theredarchive.com/post/73803

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