Advice on how to grow the f*** up? (tough love needed)

Neuroentropic_Force · 2018-03-03T13:28:49+00:00

I'd highly recommend you read Jordan Peterson's 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote for Chaos.

He has gotten a lot of press for resonating with young men, but his advice is deeply pragmatic and applies in everyone's lives.

imanewwoman · 2018-03-03T04:55:43+00:00

This question is too general. You should give more details if you want specific advice.

Assuming that you've already read the sidebar and the resources that RPW share, my broadest advice is: - go to to therapy if you've got some serious emotional/mental issues that hold you back. If you don't like traditional psychological/psychiatric therapy, there are plenty of holistic therapies that help a lot. I went to a reiki therapy, and the therapist taught me about chakras and energetic control of your body, organs, emotions...it helped me wonders and shook me away from the BP bullshit that i had learned and that was leading me to depression and self harm. - Make a list of the things you want to change about yourself in order of priority. Write the reason why you want to do it in a positive way ("I want to be healthy and beautiful" instead of "stop being fat"). Write out a plan for each one of them with specific dates. Read this every day and set alarms throughout the day/week to remind you of each one constantly. - Join r/getdisciplined. - Track your daily habits. I recommend the app "Momentum". You can put a list of the habits that you want to do every single day, and it shows you your weekly progress. (For example if you went to the gym 6/7 days). It's very good! - Get serious about managing your finances. I use the app "Homebudget"; it took me like 6 months to get used to writing EVERY SINGLE expense and income but it helped me a lot to understand and change my spending habits. - Use task managing apps like Asana or Trello and plan every single task in your day. - Practice mindfulness. There's tons of resources on youtube. I've found guided meditations for different purposes: money/career, love, relationships, family, health/disease, forgiving, self love, confidence.... - Make time for serious and commited physical activity. Yoga is especially good for learning to focus your mind and control your emotions. Lifting can be mindful too and give you a great body. - Eat well: read about nutrition, make healthy non processed meals to boost your health, energy and mental clarity. Set your dish nicely and decorate it to show yourself extra self love - you'll feel proud of yourself everytime. - Avoid alcohol/drugs/tobacco/sugar/processed foods (It's obvious, but sometimes we don't do it). - Avoid masturbation: it takes away your mental clarity and motivation. It'm not talking from a moral or religious pespective. google "Fight the new drug" if you wanna learn more.

And don't ever give up on your goals - switch tactics if you don't see results. Google it all. Knowledge comes to you by itself when you're looking for it.

Fridaylife · 2018-03-03T07:57:22+00:00

So I didn't have the best childhood, what helped me was realizing that I have the choice to either let it define me, or let it be my backstory that no longer defines me. I made the choice to become who I want to be. (I'm still working on parts, but growth is infinite and we always have things to learn and improve upon, that's part of the fun. ) so get over yourself and believing that your trauma is keeping you from things. You are keeping you from being the person you want to be. Which is actually kindof awesome, because you can also fix it. Make a list of "virtues" of your ideal self. Literally write it down, then under each, write down how close you think you are to each thing. Ie: I want to be a kind person: right now in two out of three of my interactions with people in bitchy. Or I want to be a good cook to be able to make healthy meals for my husband and children: right now I can make noodles and cakes from a box.
Once you have what you want you to look like, and your starting point of where you're at, then you can go point by point and add in things to do to help get you to your goal. I am going to make a point to smile at a stranger today and say thank you to all the cashiers that I deal with. Or, I'm going to try one new recipe a week. Keep track of the things your doing so you're able to see your progress. Eventually getting to only 1 out of 8 interactions I have were bitchy! And I made chicken picatta and my own bread! Which will help give you the confidence in yourself that you're getting to where you want to be and be able to go out and find a Captain.
Have hobbies, find something you enjoy. And enjoy it unabashedly. Good luck and have fun!

BlueberrySea · 2018-03-03T12:55:50+00:00

A lot of us have had a difficult start in life, this isn't to diminish anything you've been through since I don't know what it is, but the reason I'm saying this is that you're probably not UNIQUELY broken. A lot of us have broken bits. My first advice to you is OWN your brokenness. It is yours. When you do find a relationship you may feel tempted to offload all of this on the person, have them fix all that is broken within you but this will lead to an unhealthy and unfulfilling relationship. Own your pain and turn it into the thing that drives you out of whatever bad place you find yourself in.

Another advice is have an image in your mind of who you want to be when you're 35 (what kind of house, what kind of relationship, what do you look like? dress like? how do you feel about yourself and interact with others?) and make sure to bring that image to mind whenever you make decisions in life. Would the present decision lead to the outcome you hope for? Of course, life is unpredictable and the outcome might not look like what you've imagined but , trust me, it helps make the outcome better.

Never ever let your real wishes out of your sight. Want to look good, be skinny and healthy? Then don't pretend this isn't your real wish even for a second, don't overeat and get drunk and overindulge if you know what you want.

Want to find a great man to marry? don't waste your time on a not-great man just because it's fun at the moment.

I think growing up is about understanding how your decisions will affect you. It's about being responsible for yourself. So, keep the idea of what you want strong in your mind and work hard to achieve it. If it's very hard to do that, that's when you know you need help, like a therapist or a friend. But never ever let yourself go just because of a difficult past.

So, I'm not telling you "you're worth it, so the right man will just accept you and all your dreams will come true."

I'm telling you "fighting for the best version of yourself is worth it", "becoming better is worth it"... So, stop waiting and start working on it right now because you're the one responsible... you're not a victim of your past.... want to be beautiful and appreciated by your future husband? take care of yourself, lose weight (if you need to, that is), learn to be the kind of wife the 'amazing future husband you want' would want to have.... and do it because it's all your responsibility.

Just wanted to add based on what you said about having low self esteem: Self esteem can be built. You don't have a good one now, but maybe your future self will. And self esteem can be put differently to mean self respect. Do you respect the person that you are? if not, maybe start asking yourself what kind of person you'd need to be to earn your own respect. And think about what's getting in your way of becoming that. You can become someone you can hold in high esteem.

JackGetsIt · 2018-03-04T03:30:27+00:00

in every way possible, and more than anything want to be a mature and capable adult

If you are kind to others, going through schooling or working, read a book every now and again and practice religion or have spirit and goodness that animates you or you find something sacred in this world you are already a mature capable adult.

I'm not interested in using my past as reason for not achieving what I want out of life,

This just doubly confirms to me that you are a mature, passionate, self regulating adult. When I think of difficulty in my past I revist Emerson

“Cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing that comes to you, and to give thanks continuously. And because all things have contributed to your advancement, you should include all things in your gratitude.”

[deleted] · 2018-03-03T14:10:17+00:00

What kind of trauma are we talking about?

rpwthrowawai · 2018-03-03T16:17:20+00:00

This is a book I recommend to a lot of my friends. The overarching goal of the book is not so much about how to find a man but to learn to put your past behind you, start becoming the happy, strong woman you want to be, and opening yourself to receive love. The chapters are short and might not all be relevant to you, but if you've got a lot to work through I'd recommend doing it day by day and actually doing all the journaling/practices she recommends.

mmerijn · 2018-03-03T16:24:26+00:00

I’ve experienced a lot of very severe trauma in my life, and have spent and (could spend many more) years in therapy delving into all of it, but time is short and I also need to grow the f*** up. I don’t want my past to prevent me from the future I desire, and I don’t think the way we as a culture talk about trauma will help me achieve my goals.

I am only going to respond to this part as the whole comment is too general. I am also going to rephrase your question here as: "How do I keep on improving and getting closer to my goals while I am still affected by my trauma?".
Answer: Define your goals eg. I want a red pill relationship, then define your sub-goals (things you need to do to reach your goal) eg. Being fit and healthy, then begin by spending theminimum amount of effort that afterwards you feel satisfied with, you have to feel like you have put in some effort but not feel like you are forcing yourself to put more effort in. Finally after doing this for some time, lets say a week, you take some time to look back and reflect on what you have done and plan what you are going to do differently next week. Never let your motivation for changing yourself be "I have to do it", this may work in the short term but eventually you are just going to hate working on yourself and find yourself becoming more and more tired while finding excuses not to do it, it is better to lets say exercise 5 minutes and be satisfied with yourself than to exercise 50 minutes all of which you spend being hard on yourself for not exercising enough. What I just described is a common mistake for people trying to start jogging / running on the new year and though some of them even manage to last a few years they all eventually stop and just fall back into their old habits only to have to start all over again having wasted months or even years of their time and trauma (I assume it is related to your goal) just makes this an even more painful experience.

pinkbunnybitch · 2018-03-03T17:14:36+00:00

I'd create a vision board of what I want in life. The idea with vision boards is that with positive reinforcement, the visions will manifest themselves into reality.

Get a pet, take care of something else (grow a window herb garden). Focus on bettering your wife skills: cooking, cleaning. Be active in having these a daily part of your life - even without the man right now.

I'm not super "red pill" - I'm inspired by a lot of relationship/philosophical theories in general. I do believe that love comes when it's supposed to, but you're right in wanting to be the best version of yourself.

Go to some events that you may not normally go to and try to broaden your horizons.

happyhelpfulheart · 2018-03-04T17:26:06+00:00

First, read Bad Childhood, Good Life by Dr. Laura.

Second, I recommend building your gratitude muscle and your personal responsibility/resilience muscle.

You've been through some serious stuff, I totally get it (same boat), but modern society says to react by throwing up your hands and going, "Wah, wah, things were hard, so now I'm like this forever!!! Life is no fair!!!!" I believe this attitude is the end game of having zero gratitude and zero resilience.

The truth is, you can decide how you react to your past. You can decide to become resilient, like women who live through insane atrocities and then build beautiful and positive lives for themselves, or you can become broken, like women who go through one bad divorce or health issue and never recover emotionally.

If life were a true cause and effect machine, like people like to believe, every disabled person would be depressed, every rich person would be happy, etc. But that's not how the world works. Some people can't handle anything minor without falling apart, and some people can rebound from the unthinkable with seeming ease. It's all about resilience, taking responsibility for who you are today, and being grateful for what you have.

I think a gratitude journal, volunteering, and focusing on what you do have, on what you were given, on the support you have, on alllll the positives, will go a long way towards changing your perspective. Also, all that stuff you didn't learn as a kid, learn it now! Plenty of people from great homes learned nothing about money or relationships or careers, and as adults they either become whiners who bitch about how mommy and daddy didn't teach me x,y,z, or they become adults who say "yikes, i need to know how to do this, i better seek out the best resources and learn now!"

Life IS unfair, but that means you've had negative unfair things happen to you AND positive unfair things happen to you. Is a crap childhood unfair? Yep. Is the fact that I live in a developed country with access to water, food, internet, safety, unfair? Also yep.

Rivkariver · 2018-03-04T21:08:20+00:00

All this advice is good. I feel like you might find a man who can easily provide for you and kids, given you want to focus on motherhood. It’s easy. Obviously he must be kind and you must love each other. A protective guy who wants to help you heal from the past is good.

Ill_Will7 · 2018-03-06T03:46:49+00:00

Have you tried keeping a Journal? When my life was in pure utter chaos, (not that i have my shit fully together now) it was and still is something that greatly helps me. I want you to get some useless notepad and leave it where you will see it all the time, maybe next to your bed or kitchen table. Anytime you have troubling issues or something you want to do or fix about yourself, just jot it down. Even if its something stupid. Do this for a couple months and youll see what patterns your minds thinking in and you will have a physical creation of something you made your self and it can give you a little sense of pride.

-Universe- · 2018-03-08T17:31:47+00:00

For emotional trauma is would recommend the power of now by eckhart tolle. That book helped me overcome my childhood trauma and also helped my depression and worries.

md8716 · 2018-03-03T21:15:59+00:00

I’m nearing my mid-twenties. Society might say that is “young” still, but for what I want in life, I’m running out of time. My ultimate goal is an RP marriage and to be an excellent wife and mother. I also want several children (more than three). I’m currently in nun mode.

You're asking for a LOT out of a man, but I'm at a loss as to what exactly you have to offer in return other than baggage from your childhood trauma.

Can you cook? When's the last time you cooked a full meal for someone much less an entire family? What do you know about raising kids? Do you have any experience or is it some pipe dream?

If I'm a guy you want to be with, why should I hand YOU the keys to the castle? What's so special about you? What are you offering me in return that that's so special that I can't already get somewhere else?

eazolan · 2018-03-03T13:30:17+00:00

I don't understand.

What is it that you need to do? Or what is it that isn't happening?

Finding a guy is easy. They're all over the place and they love women.

Title	Advice on how to grow the f*** up? (tough love needed)
Author	happyhelpfulheart
Upvotes	26
Comments	28
Date	March 3, 2018 3:03 AM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/81lx5h/advice_on_how_to_grow_the_f_up_tough_love_needed/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/advice-on-how-to-grow-the-f-up-tough-love-needed.74352 https://theredarchive.com/post/74352

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