My dad scares me

Candid_Check_4843 · 2021-02-27T18:06:59+00:00

Thanks so much for sharing that with us. That's very brave of you to do. I'm so sorry you feel that way. I understand how you feel because I feel exactly the same way about my dad. He's a narcissist who fits every criteria of that mental illness (self-grandeur, very low empathy, very low self-awareness, judges your value based on the amount of narcissistic supply you can provide to him etc.) who has anger and rage problems and is physically and emotionally abusive. He also contributes very close to nothing to the household since he hasn't had a job since 2008/2009. Just being in proximity to him or hearing his voice triggers me and makes me very anxious. I remember going through a time after my first year of grad school where I was dreading going back home for summer break because I was so anxious that he might physically hurt me really badly.

If you're still young and living at home, I would say to hang in there, and make plans to be financially independent asap. Once you're financially independent, you can completely cut him off because there is nothing you need from him. I've done that and it's wonderfully liberating. The best way to become financially independent, I think, is through your education. I've been financially independent since I was 21 and started my PhD program; as a part of the PhD funding, I teach undergraduates and get a tuition waiver and living stipend. I'm close to graduating now, and have many high-paying job opportunities available.

I would say that on the upside, going through all of that and dealing with him has made me a very strong independent person. I have a very good sense of red-flags to watch out for in other people (from observing him over the years), and a strong awareness of the dangers men can pose to women. Meanwhile he's kind of just rotting away at home, jobless; and I don't even feel bad.

Rememberthekant · 2021-02-27T17:16:24+00:00

Hey, I can relate. Try to avoid him as much as you can, avoid conversations and avoid sharing anything. Put more distance. But yes, they tear your heart apart and they go on their day as if nothing happened and nothing matters. It hurts. I wish there was something that could be done to treat narcissism.

basicbagels · 2021-02-27T19:40:26+00:00

Don’t be embarrassed. None of this is your fault ❤️ is there someone you can talk to that you trust?

pineycitrusforest · 2021-02-27T20:48:39+00:00

I had the same childhood. I dreaded my dad coming home from work every day. I hated weekends. I developed an anxiety disorder over it . I'm so sorry this is your life right now but you will come out the other side. You are not the only one to go through this. Please know that you deserve love and proper care. None of this is your fault. None of it reflects poorly on you. Don't believe him when he makes you feel bad about yourself. He is the problem, not you. When you get out, you do not have to see him any more if you don't want to. You don't owe him jack.

Only_Lime2520 · 2021-02-27T21:10:20+00:00

I was like you. I used to be embarrassed to have fear toward a housemate living upstairs that never quite seemed to wear pants when he came downstairs. I didn't quite know why. It had nothing to do with me. What he did seemed innocuous.

Now I know that it was because I was constantly teased by my own mother and father about being "too sensitive" about my reactions all the time as a kid. So even now when I have a defensive reaction toward something, that conditioning from my parents immediately kicks in causing me to feel embarrassed.

YOU WERE RIGHT to feel however you feel and take actions based on that protect yourself! You did the right thing to write about it here. This is the first step, you'll find out more along the way but most important of all remember that you were RIGHT to have felt fear toward your dad.

Winter-Firefly · 2021-02-28T00:47:22+00:00

I relate hard to this. My dad was abusive, narcissistic, and had an explosive temper growing up. Hearing him walking or coming up the stairs was enough to make me freeze and fight off adrenaline. When my mom finally got rid of him I was shocked at how quiet and peaceful the house had become.

Nowadays the sound of any man, especially in our house, is off putting and anxiety inducing. Even my cat is afraid of men, she always bristles and runs at the sound of them. I'm sorry you're living in fear right now, I hope you can finally relax and heal when he's separated from your mom for good. <3

Alarming-Midnight-73 · 2021-02-27T22:03:48+00:00

I wish I could hug you; this is so upsetting. I had a similar experience growing up. I remember freezing up whenever the front door was being unlocked because it meant he was coming home. I'd stop talking as soon as he entered a room. Then one day he just left us--no warning, no explanation. And even though it was a little nerve wracking (He was the sole breadwinner), it immediately had a positive impact on my mental health.

Right after my parents separated I'd still be anxious that he would come back. It's been 9 years since I've seen him and I'm finally able to relax a bit. Time and growing up helps; but the biggest thing that helped me was focusing on my education and becoming financially independent. Knowing that you can support yourself is incredibly empowering and will do wonders for your anxiety. You sound young-- the best thing you can do for yourself is focusing on school. It's easier said than done but having academics and clubs to focus on will give your mind a reprieve from him.

It's not embarrassing. Living in constant fear is horrible and it has a long lasting impact on us. I hope your parents separation brings you some much needed healing.

2ndMrsDeWinter · 2021-02-27T23:14:30+00:00

Bb, how old are you? Is he bothering you in anyway? Have you talked to your mom about this? Is there a timeline for him leaving? Is there any family or friends you could stay with til hes gone? Sorry for all these questions, but I think you deserve to be comfortable where you live. Let’s see if FDS can help you brainstorm!

Title	My dad scares me
Author	hateitherexx
Upvotes	115
Comments	21
Date	February 27, 2021 5:47 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/lthhlg/my_dad_scares_me/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/my-dad-scares-me.745805 https://theredarchive.com/post/745805

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