I fell in love with my NVM 6 months ago. At the beginning he looked like the HVM I'd been hoping for all of my adult life. He met me at a time when I was trying to self improve and accept that I might spend this life alone, and be okay with that

He came into my life out of nowhere and charmed me from the beginning. He seemed old fashioned, didn't watch porn, took me on dates, bought me gifts and even seemed to oblige when I told him I wanted to take things slowly. I knew from the beginning that he seemed too good to be true but my curiosity kept me invested. Almost to the day we made things "official" and he felt like he won me, his behaviour changed slowly over time.

I am so lucky that I kept a journal most days because if it wasn't for that I would forever be doubting myself.

Slowly I started to lose myself. He knocked me down so insidiously and gaslit me with such perfection that I didn't notice until it was far too late. I was hooked. I had to get back to how things where in the beginning. I had never encountered a NVM before and assumed it must be my fault for his changed behaviour.

At the peak of the abuse I lost a stone in weight, my face was covered in a persistent rash, I stopped seeing friends, I missed work, I abandoned yoga and my spirituality, I laid in bed most days and felt like I had hit rock bottom.

We broke up 7 times. Each time I set new boundaries, communicated my needs, saw a therapist. Did everything I could to try and make the relationship work. It was a neverending cycle.

So what did I do? To finally walk away?

  1. I consumed as much material on narcissism as I could. I learnt every pattern, trick and tactic and labelled it every time he used on. I started to even predict what would happen next.

  2. I didn't force myself to leave right away. I was determined not to have any regrets so I stayed until i was sure of my intuition.

  3. I was kind to myself. I didn't beat myself up. I didn't absorb any of his comments. I simply observed and documented almost like a scientific study.

  4. I continued with therapy and built up my self esteem so I could put a barrier between myself and the abuse.

  5. I re engaged with friends and hobbies I enjoyed.

  6. I took on a zero tolerance approach to his bullshit. This led us to break up almost weekly but I was determined to not give up my sanity.

  7. I reflected on past healthy relationships and consulted past HVM exes to check that I wasn't at fault. And that I was capable of healthy relationships.

  8. The last, and most important for me is that I fell in love with myself. Only on a much deeper level than before. I used the past month of our relationship to intensely work on bettering myself and bringing the focus back to me.

Without my narc, I would have levelled up to a new point that I didn't think was possible. He made me question everything about myself and I took it as a challenge to make myself so strong that I would never make myself vulnerable to a NVM like him again.

Do I still miss him? Yes. All the time. Do I long for the hoover? Yes. But I know in my heart that I deserve so much better. I still doubt myself but posting here is my way of claiming my victory and hoping others can do the same.

Thank you FDS for helping me navigate this journey and being a source of strength.

I hope no one experiences a relationship like this. NVM in the beginning can so easily be confused for a HVM. So stay wary. Journal. Don't doubt your intuition.

They can steal your soul if you let them.