I grew up accustomed to being abused, verbally and physically, my childhood was different so to speak... With the environment I was in, it was hard to be my own person - my actions were heavily scrutinized, I was raised to believe the “real” world was bad and I was scared of doing the wrong thing.

After years of living like this, I upgraded from blank slate to doormat. What a glow up.

Cue my second relationship and there were massive red flags. I did have a hesitant feeling something was off but I ignored it. I was already honed to be RESILIENT to verbal abuse and this was just “normal”. Even he was befuddled that I came back, and in his own words, after treating me like shit.

I was just having the time of my life with him and having experiences I didn’t get to have as a child. That’s why the relationship never seem bad to me. I got physical affection, some sparse kind words. (Looking back on it now, the reason why I was and still am so fixated on this relationship are the crumbs and high highs.)

Whenever I was getting a sinking feeling of how I was being treated, I was confused. I mean, I’m used to being disrespected so why does this feel so weird NOW? Because that was my boundary being crossed and FINALLY being felt, violated, I mean.

It took 2-3 months worth of going back to him and being denigrated and him asking me to make an (unnecessary) long commute to have a serious conversation that I was able to say, “This isn’t healthy anymore.”

TO THOSE WHO HAVE EARLY EXPERIENCES WITH ABUSE YOU HAVE TO ACTIVELY PUT IN MORE EFFORT TO SEE THOSE HESITANT FEELINGS AS THEY ARE: RED FLAGS. CRANK UP THOSE PINK FLAGS TWO SHADES DARKER BC THEY’RE REDDER THAN YOU THINK.

This passiveness in my personality is something I’m fighting against still.