Why don't men seem to pull their weight in relationships?

tallwomenneedlovetoo · 2021-03-12T19:03:20+00:00

In my experience, it IS largely cultural. I’m black, raised in a black family and household. Though I’m an only child, my extended family had lots of boys. In the black community, boys are treated like gold and never have to lift a finger and are allowed to stay out/go out whenever they want. Little black girls get called fast if they wear shorts above the knee and are told they have to maintain a household, perform like a p0rn star, and manage the kids while also serving the man from like 11 years old. So, typically black men expect that same thing they saw their moms pushing onto their sisters.

I’m married to a white man. His mother raised independent people who moved out and could stand on their own two feet by 16. As soon as they could reach the washing machine, all the kids had to wash their own clothes. Same with washing their own dishes, cooking any meal they wanted that wasn’t what their mom cooked (with supervision!), cleaning their rooms, arranging their own school lunches etc. And his whole family extended family is like that. The kids are like little people with their own lives to a certain extent starting at 8. It was extremely eye opening to me.

outgrabed-momerath · 2021-03-12T18:56:09+00:00

I don't think it's a communication issue. I think it's how your prospective partner was raised. Does his mom shoulder the emotional and domestic load of his family? Chances are high that will be his expectation for you.

My long term partner did a lot of the cooking, had cleaning chores that he always took care of, did car maintenance, planned gifts for our families, provided for us financially, etc. (I also pulled my weight in the relationship, it was equitable). I never once asked him to do these things - he automatically did them. So did his dad. It can be cultural, but families can buck cultural standards, so familial standards is where I would make judgment.

_queeeen_ · 2021-03-13T02:55:07+00:00

I can’t answer your title question besides to say they don’t want to. Cue FDSism “if he wanted to, he would.”

Men not knowing how to pull their weight at home or in a relationship just astounds me. My dad was the primary breadwinner, main cook, gardener, handyman, he did the laundry. He was constantly seeking out ways to make the house more comfortable for his family. Same with our neighbors, my parents’ friends, and my parents’ siblings. If the man wasn’t directly contributing to labor to his household, he was bringing home the bacon$$$.

It’s disappointing AF that these boomer men in my sampling were KILLING it and yet have still somehow managed to raise sons that can’t do shit. I really don’t get it. All the women from the above mentioned families are successful and thriving. Only a fraction of the male children are despite their privileges of education, upper/middle class, whiteness. Does “if he wanted to, he would” apply here, too? Make it make sense when they had every privilege, opportunity, and example.

ShegoGreen · 2021-03-13T00:50:47+00:00

I promise you that good men are out there. Don't give up on what you want because the world is going down a toilet. There are still diamonds among piles of coal. But you are going to have to be patient and vet very carefully.

In the hispanic community men are catered to and feel like they don't have to contribute as much as the woman. In general many communities also have this issue. They are catered too, have absent fathers, and grow up watching porn. Broken men create broken men. Pickme's of all nationalities support and encourage this too.

Not only that but women are shamed wanting more. If you choose a broke bum it's always, "she should have chosen better." If you have high standards, men try to shame you. It's always, "Who says you deserve a high value man?" "Gold digger, whore, useless ugly woman." If you choose a career and contribute to society it's always, "She thinks she doesn't need a man, she's too masculine, men don't want..."

Best to say screw it and go after what you want. An instagrammer named hypergamyher said screw it and went after what she wanted. She ended up marrying a HVM worth 50 million.

donttextme_k · 2021-03-12T19:13:26+00:00

I’m married with no kids yet but I didn’t communicate anything about what I’m expecting in the relationship. We both clean and cook as we see fit. If I’m working late then he cooks, if I happen to leave work early then I cook. If we are both free, we both cook. In the early stages I judged on how they treat me, my friends, and family, and the way they respond to my standards. For example if I don’t like a certain thing he said or did, how would he react? If he consistently listens and changes then that’s one of my green flag that he will cater to me in the future. Small things like if he cleaned up for both of you after a dinner or how gross the sink looks after he brushes his teeth. I grew up in an Asian household, in my culture man are expected to cook, cleans, and give their money to their wife. They do it because they love their wife otherwise most likely shamed by their family

med10crity · 2021-03-12T23:36:57+00:00

Why don't men pull their weight you ask? .....Because they can get away with it.

There's a lot of intricacies to this question, but it essentially boils down to that. There are plenty of people, men and (pickme) women, who would say that asking for a real balanced partnership is too much, and that you should just be happy with what you have. Truth is, those who cry out for 50/50 on everything in a relationship never take into consideration that women are raised to carry emotional and mental burdens without question or appreciation from day one, and men capitalize on that with fervor.

In your past relationships you say that you ended up shouldering all the burdens. The fact that you got to the point of feeling like that at all says that those men were able to get away with it. You may have dumped them eventually, but they'll just move on to the next woman and do the same thing. Because they can get away with it.

The handbook has some good stuff related to not letting them get away with it. I recommend reading the dumb fox credo, it changed my world-view.

skyerippa · 2021-03-13T03:22:44+00:00

I'm from Canada and I haven't had any positive male role models or relationships in my life either. I only know one .. my aunt and uncle who live across the country so I dont even know 100% wether it's true or not but I think he is a HVM from what I've seen.

Title	Why don't men seem to pull their weight in relationships?
Author	brooke_157
Upvotes	227
Comments	11
Date	March 12, 2021 5:23 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/m3me22/why_dont_men_seem_to_pull_their_weight_in/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/why-dont-men-seem-to-pull-their-weight-in.767861 https://theredarchive.com/post/767861

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