Once upon a time, I dressed in a way that was more comfortable for me. I wore baggy jeans, hockey jerseys, oversized sweatshirts, men's graphic tees (they are always better, ladies cut tees feel constricting), biker shorts, my sneaker collection was so important and I had a thing for really cool socks. I shopped in Zumiez and the men's side of PacSun. My best friend, let's call her Brandy, and I had this inside joke: "We are sk8r grls but we don't sk8." We only dressed more "feminine" at parties (and even then it was like tube tops and cargo pants lol) or when it was time to show up in business professional attire. It wasn't like I was lazy. My outfit was always coordinated and fit me well. I put a lot of thought into every look. But I slowly lost confidence in my appearance.

I had a meeting with a friend, let's call her Amanda, and I decided to get Smoothie King on our campus. I approached the counter and this girl complimented my outfit: "Love your outfit! You're so pretty and you look so cool." But as I waited at the bus stop drinking my smoothie Amanda approached and said something that really didn't sit well with me: "I was walking with blah blah and I couldn't find you. She asked who is that boy sitting there." I told her my hair was huge and curly and even though my hood was halfway on my head it was clearly visible. "I have acrylics, I am wearing makeup, I have lash extensions!" I couldn't shake that thought.

Brandy started dating a super LVM (he later ended up cheating on her multiple times, violently beat a guy she went on a date with, love bombed her, verbally and emotionally abused her, just a textbook narcissist). He told her that she dressed like a boy and needed to be more feminine because she looked like a lesbian. He also implied that her mom was bad because she didn't teach her how to be a girl. I comforted Brandy but that hurt me. I felt like it was a dig at me too. What was once a small cut became an open wound. He started buying her feminine clothing as gifts and she abandoned the "sk8r girl" aesthetic. Salt to the wound. So I did too.

For years I watched "femininity" youtube videos and studied kibbe types and style. "Men like feminine women. To be feminine do this." I donated or passed along most of my old clothing (I couldn't part with the vintage tees and sneakers even if I never wore them anymore). I constantly switched it up and searched for what worked and ate up the compliments (that tripled when I lost a ton of weight). But I felt anxious when it was time to pick an outfit. I was so overwhelmed that I cried when I had to pick clothing for special events. I had to I never felt like I was getting it right. I looked over photos and I just didn't look or feel comfortable. Then this guy I liked started dating a sk8r grl and it cracked my theory that all guys hate that aesthetic. But I thought of it as an anomaly and kept pressuring myself to be "feminine" for another year.

2 weeks ago I refused to let anxiety cause me to miss my cousin's graduation so I stopped worrying over my outfit, opened up my storage, and picked up the way I once dressed. I felt so much better. I felt like I was at home. Then yesterday I binged Betty. Despite the shaky writing and acting, I cried during the final scene and I realized that I didn't feel comfortable because I wasn't embracing who I really am. I had trapped myself, put myself down, beat myself up. Betty showed me that feminity isn't really how you dress. Femininity is power, emotional intelligence, and internal strength. We show this by owning who we are, embracing sisterhood, achieving our goals without men, and standing up for what we believe in even when LVM try to step on us or push us over. We show it in so many ways. I feel like the way I dress doesn't affect how feminine I am. So yeah f*ck that I'm finally buying a skateboard.