Hello Ladies!

The way he treats himself, the people/places/things in his life is crucial because this is how he will eventually treat you.

Let's dive right in. When I think of an HVM, I admit, it seems pretty vague. So I wanted to write out some practical questions to ask oneself to assess an HVM. I listed major life areas, with some top-of-mind questions.

To assess a potential mate (or even a male friend), consider:

Grooming

How does he dress? Is he neatly groomed? Is his hygiene demonstrative of someone who takes their time and is careful?

Eating Habits

Does he care about the food he consumes? What is his diet's nutritional value? The way it affects him (food allergies), freshness, source?

Health/Fitness

Does he have a regular health check? Does he exercise regularly? Does he look after his overall fitness level? Is he aware of any adverse health issues? If so, does he have health management in place? Does he address any health/fitness concerns and handle them independently when they arise?

Living Environment

Where does he live? More importantly, *how* does he live? Does he live alone or with mates/family/friends? If he lives alone, what is his environment like? Is it clean, neat, and organized? Does he care about his own comfort? Does he have routines in place to manage his daily life?

Transportation

If he owns a car, is it well maintained? Does he take it in for regular repairs? Is he careful with its appearance? Does he take care of any dents/scratches? Does he wash/detail it?

Education

Does he possess advanced degrees/certificates? Did he dedicate a significant amount of time to earn his credentials? Is he a lifelong learner? Is he open to new ideas/concepts or stuck in his ways? Does he have a fixed vs. growth mindset?

Employment

Is he employed? How long has he worked there? Has he changed jobs frequently? on the opposite end of the spectrum-- has he been working for 10+ years in the same position, with no upwards mobility? How does he regard his boss/senior management? Does he complain about his work/boss/colleagues? Is he putting in the bare minimum, or committed to excellence?

Personal Relationships (Friends/Family)

What are his relationships with his friends/family like? Is he loving, caring, and considerate? Does he gossip about them? Is he helpful and reliable or is he dismissive and spiteful? Does he have grudges against any one of them?

Special Bonus: Media/Entertainment

What are his sources of entertainment? His hobbies, interests, causes? What kind of music/movies/books/live performances is he into?

Bonus 2: Culture

Has he traveled or not? Is he open/interested in other cultures/values/environments? Is he well-mannered and courteous? Does he make an effort to be understood and to understand others' perspectives?

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The point of asking yourself these questions is assessing his tendencies with people/things *already* in his life. This is evidence of his past actions up until you have met him. Getting to know a man is time-consuming and expensive! So it helps if you can simply examine how he is in his current state, prior to engaging with him any further.

Likewise, it should come as no surprise....how he treats himself, the people and things in his life are largely reflective of how well he can treat you.

**A word of caution. Beware of control freaks. There are some men I can easily think of, who would have all of my above points down pat! They're also neurotic and exaggerated in the level of detail they apply to *everything*. I wish I could be more specific on how to identify a happy medium.

To that I would say, be careful if meticulousness is his *entire personality*. Like, he should have other characteristics such as being good-natured, humorous, generous, respectful (and your own personal green flags).

This list is by no means exhaustive. I would love to read your comments if you have more to add!

EDIT: Special thanks to u/alphasquish for her additions in regards to pets and children:

Pets - are they well-trained and taken care of? Are they regularly brushed, bathed, and groomed? Does he clean up after them? Are they destructive in any way? Vetting for pet care may not be a priority, but no matter how sweet a pet is or how much your man loves it, not taking good care of it and letting it destroy his yard, home, or stuff is a sign of laziness, commitment, and consistency. A pet is a huge commitment, and you HAVE to take care of it. If he can’t do that well, it will eventually translate to at least some aspects of your relationship.

Children - excellent questions in the OP about friends/family, but I think children deserve a special mention for those of us that have either attempted or may end up in a stepparent situation. Are the kids well-mannered? Do they have any behavioral/mental health conditions? Are they in therapy to deal with these issues? Does their parent monitor their schoolwork? Their use of electronics? Their social media? Do they have good boundaries with their kids? Do they say no and stick to it? Are they in a routine? Is there consistency and follow-through with chores, behavioral expectations, and consequences? Do the kids have decent hygiene?

Some of these items may be hard to vet for initially, because a HV parent will expect to wait for you to meet their child, but you can observe what their home is like when the kids aren’t present, and will likely pick up on bits of information based on things your potential partner says, or things their friends or family say.

If you realize at any point that he is a shitty pet keeper and the kids are a mess and they run the house with little to no structure or consequences regardless of behavior….run. These are signs of a lazy, inconsistent, conflict-avoidant doormat LVM that will eventually start letting you take responsibility for his shit, and even if he’s sweet and loving to you, eventually you will be the frustrated victim of his low effort.