When does it stop hurting?

classicmessaround · 2021-01-03T03:39:57+00:00

I’m sorry my dude. It’s never easy and it’s so much harder to mourn the loss of someone that just said they wanted to leave. It’s not that anything just magically stops hurting but you notice that it just starts hurting a little less. As it goes on a while you’ll notice that you’ll stop thinking about her a little bit less every day. Real suggestion is to go talk to someone professionally. Ironically my marriage counselor became my just regular counselor after my ex stopped trying. I did that and started noticing the hurt stinging a little less. Does it hurt some days, fuck yea it does. I’ve broken down even when I’d say I’m doing better. You focus the fuck on yourself rn. If she was so willing to have an emotional affair, that’s not something you can control, she did that because she’s not happy with herself. Be the damn grand prize you know you are.

panka24 · 2021-01-03T04:21:31+00:00

Hey man so sorry you gotta deal with this. I went through a very similar situation. I can't say when it will stop hurting for sure. You'll have good days and bad days. Focus on yourself in whatever way you need to, mentally, physically, or even something simple like spoiling yourself more. Hang out with the guys. Don't dwell on the past, it already happened and there's no way to change it. That will be the hardest part. Getting drunk or having a one night stand might help for a little bit, but don't let that become the norm. One day you'll realize you haven't thought of her in a week, then two weeks. You'll make it.

BlackFire68 · 2021-01-03T04:59:23+00:00

It never stops hurting, but the hurt changes, lessens, dulls

2021-01-03T23:12:16+00:00

Been there man, I'm three years past my ex-wife leaving me and it still hurts, but not as much as it used to. Like others have said, it hurts a little less each day. The best thing that you can do is to focus on improving yourself. Study something you always had an interest in, improve your resume or skillset, GO TO THE GYM, etc. Also, find some guys to chill with. I don't know what your interests are but when my marriage collapsed I joined a D&D group that played twice a month and got a workout buddy that I went to the gym with everyday. That kind of interaction will help you realize that you have more in your life than you realize.

Also, allow yourself to grieve. My counselor and psychiatrist both told me that I needed to treat my marriage ending like I would a loved one dying and grieve for it similarly. Hold a private, personal funeral if that is your thing. I just wrote a eulogy myself and cried. It helped a lot. I still go and look at a little memorial image I made every once in a while, not to obsess over, but rather to say goodbye to again when the feels get a little much. Just what I did that helped.

Memphizt · 2021-01-03T02:39:12+00:00

Get on YouTube and start watching the BETTER BACHELOR that'll help. Solid advise from a man in your spot.

MyNewNormal808 · 2021-01-03T08:49:51+00:00

The hard part is stop thinking about your ex. I went through the majority of our separation hoping we would reconcile. I convinced myself that I could win her back if I was a better husband. In the end, I realized that we were not getting back. Once I accepted it and started looking toward the future, things got easier for me. I’m at the point where I met other women and realize that while OLD sucks, feeling that thrill of meeting someone new is a wonderful thing. Good luck and hang in there.

Mavik52 · 2021-01-08T18:43:05+00:00

It stops hurting when you internalize the fact that you are enough as you are right now. You don't need a woman to be happy with yourself. You need a large dose of self love.

voyagerblue · 2021-01-09T15:58:59+00:00

She’s a cheater bro.

She’s been cheating for years, she wanted to get with the other man, he rejected here and now she wants back with you, her second choice.

Don’t believe this “online only” bullshit. She’s been fucking then. Guarantee.

Sorry my man.

razo67 · 2021-01-03T11:31:55+00:00

It should stop hurting the second you realise you had a lucky escape. She cheated on you several times and would have continued to do it. U are now free to find a happy and healthy relationship and u have no baggage to take with you.

Kept spending time focusing on yourself, stay active, get some hobbies and when u are in a good place u will be ready to meet someone else and have a good life.

Best of luck

AggieDan1996 · 2021-01-03T21:26:41+00:00

Dude... I get it. I've been there. At the time my marriage fell apart I was working in a large 23 seat room. I'd be at my desk working with tears streaming down my face. Management told me to go home if I needed to. But, there wasn't anything or anyone to go home to. So, I cried while working. And honestly, had it not been for my kids, I don't know how long it would have taken me to get out of bed most days. But, I had kids to care for.

The first thing you need is therapy. And if you don't like the chemistry with your therapist, get a different one.

Now, for me, I've got a wonderful woman in my life. This is my second relationship since my marriage. The first was a good woman too. But, distance, age, and neither of us really being ready for a relationship killed things.

Does it ever stop hurting? For me, I can say that it hasn't stopped hurting yet. But, the pain is different. It's the occasional annoyance now. And most of that comes from the way we're co-parenting the kids... Or rather my attempt to coparent and her attempts to exclude me. And the fact that I cannot see my kids each and every day.

You got lucky. She doesn't love you. I don't know that she ever did. You were stable, it seems.

My girlfriend wonders how I haven't just given up on relationships given the absolute shit show that is my dating history. But, I realized that there are people out there that have been discarded. Good people. Good partners. Good mates. They just weren't paired up with the right person and got discarded. The sooner you work on yourself the sooner you'll be ready to be in a healthy relationship with another discard.

ivantowerz · 2021-01-03T05:46:25+00:00

According to pop psychology you should be back at baseline after 1 year for every 5 of the relationship. Faster the older you are, faster the more long terms youve had and faster the better you are at attracting new partners. So in your case, you should be approaching baseline before 2 yrs with huge strides in 1 yr.

Help it along with therapy and talking to anyone that will listen to you.

jdmgf5 · 2021-01-03T07:57:29+00:00

Two years

Title	When does it stop hurting?
Author	ej2424
Upvotes	32
Comments	18
Date	January 3, 2021 2:16 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/kpbf0p/when_does_it_stop_hurting/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/when-does-it-stop-hurting.817596 https://theredarchive.com/post/817596

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