How can I talk about my terrible divorce to my date?

USCAV19D · 2020-09-07T22:18:22+00:00

Imagine telling this as a woe-is-me story: now do the opposite of that.

jazzy3113 · 2020-09-07T22:18:59+00:00

It’s best you bring things like this up over the phone before the date or at some point during the first date.

I would advise you gently touch upon the fact you divorced and have a strained relationship with your ex. No need to go into the salacious details.

SzDiverge · 2020-09-07T22:27:38+00:00

You have no reason to tell her the details. Stick to the basics.. you have a child and are divorced. Why raise red flags that aren't real?

I guarantee that if you tell her about the false rape allegations, she'll see red flags flying.

I wouldn't talk about the details until much farther down the relationship road.

LandOnMyFeet · 2020-09-07T23:15:56+00:00

Don’t! Tell her you will at some point but right now you want to focus on you both. Talk about interests, values, goals, dreams; what does her future look like, what does hers look like, etc.

Alucent · 2020-09-08T01:44:23+00:00

Unfortunately our circumstances are different. You got really screwed on your end. My divorce is exactly as you described, false sexual assault issued on my ex and my daughter, and all was dropped because my ex is an idiot and admitted in court she was afraid of losing custody so she lied. I now have custody and brag at how much better me and my kids are since. I tell my story like a badge of honor of a bullet I avoided long term and it's a story I laugh at, only because it's so typical for men to be unjustly imprisoned for these same things all the time. Best thing to do is tell the truth. Little bit by little bit but don't rag on your ex because that raises redflags on what you might do if you two break up.

Data_Fan · 2020-09-08T00:36:59+00:00

Since the allegations were dismissed in your favor, you should only feel obligated to talk about them when you are comfortable doing so. This does not sound the time. You should not be harmed by this anymore.

Mymindisgone217 · 2020-09-08T00:58:15+00:00

I understand that it's not something that you really want to talk about, but it is usually best to put out that you have kids at the start of any relationship. I know that I wouldn't want to be dating someone, and then months into it, find out that they have kids. Having something such as this hidden from me will just make me wonder what else is this person hiding from me, and can I actually trust them?

You don't need to give the full details of the issues around this, but at least know that anyone you see, should know that you have children. You can say at the start that you don't have much chance to see your child due to living in another country,

As for your child, you may want to talk with your ex about the damage that she is doing to both of your's child with the things that she is doing and saying to the child. You can tell her that she is doing this to hurt you, but that in time your daughter will come to realize that her mother was the one who destroyed her chance to have her father in her life as she was growing up, and that this will most likely destroy her own relationship with her daughter down the road. Ask her is her trying to hurt you by keeping your daughter away from you by such tactics, is really worth it when most likely at some point, your daughter will learn that everything her mother has been telling her has been a lie and that you very much wanted to be a part of her life, but her mother kept her from being able to have that connection with you. Talk with her about all of this and in a kind and caring tone, suggest that she think about getting some counseling for herself through this so that she doesn't end up destroying her own relationship with her daughter, through trying to block you from being a part of her life.

Advanced-Baker · 2020-09-08T02:34:49+00:00

Tell her ASAP if you like her or it will look like you’re keeping it from her.

MNCPA · 2020-09-08T04:27:11+00:00

This is perfectly normal feelings. Stick to the basics.

If you go too far into details, then you sound like a sad sack not over your ex. Nobody wants that. Big red flag if they do.

If you don't mention the basics, then yes, you are correct that this might be a time bomb. Here is the thing that you need to remember, there are oodles of wonderful dates out there.

Someone loved you enough to marry you. It didn't work out. Now, someone will likely love you enough to date you.

Confuzzeddotcom · 2020-09-08T08:01:24+00:00

You can give her the bate facts, you were married, you have a kid, it didn't work out. Don't dwell on it too much and only bring up parts of it once you both get comfortable. Unless you are an exceptionally good liar she will see its a painful subject

No_more_BPD_2020 · 2020-09-08T08:50:53+00:00

I wouldn't explain all of that until much farther in the relationship. I'd keep it short and sweet, and stay positive about the ex. A complicated or ugly divorce is a big turnoff and red flag.

Title	How can I talk about my terrible divorce to my date?
Author	fabriziobianchi
Upvotes	4
Comments	25
Date	September 7, 2020 10:05 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/ioh8pc/how_can_i_talk_about_my_terrible_divorce_to_my/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/how-can-i-talk-about-my-terrible-divorce-to-my.817919 https://theredarchive.com/post/817919

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