Recently divorced. 29

dday_throwaway3 · 2020-06-15T13:32:50+00:00

You need time to heal. Divorce messes you up mentally, even if you're the initiator. Before a predator brings you to your knees, figure out who you are. Avoiding propinquity for the first year after divorce allows you to clear the clutter of your marriage and divorce. Psychologically there’s a lot to unpack, especially if your ex was gaslighting you. You need to get comfortable inside your own head before you think about initiating spousal replacement therapy.

Invest one year into yourself for self-discovery, renovation and revitalization. Find things that you've always wanted to do, learn and experience and enjoy those things for a year. Develop your skills and knowledge in these things (rock climbing, playing a musical instrument, billiards, etc) and you'll find yourself making more time for them. If you do that well, you’ll have the foundation for a lifetime of happiness.

Then what you'll find is that after this investment in yourself, the women that come into your life won't be competing against other women for your attention. They'll be competing against things that really bring you joy and fulfillment. And it will take a truly exceptional woman to accomplish that.

Signs you are not finished with your post-divorce reconstruction:

You fear being alone.
You seek validation from a partner.
You’re still renting headspace to your ex.

When you no longer need to clutch onto a relationship, and you have your best self to offer, that’s how you know you’re ready. Don’t be surprised to find that you don’t have the time to date once you’ve started enjoying your new found freedom.

djones360 · 2020-06-15T13:26:23+00:00

I was in the exact same boat as you about a year and a half ago (29M). I moved across the country into a one bedroom without my ex wife or dog. The first few months were beyond weird and unsettling. But I started discovering things that made me happy again. I started listening to podcasts, Audiobooks, and new music again. I recommend turning on one of your favorite TV shows when you get home, The Office kept me smiling when there wasn't really a reason to. I recommend https://impacttheory.com/ to possibly help shape your mindset to a realm of positivity. Also check out Daniel Sloss's stand up titled Jigsaw, it might be hard to watch at first but it was essential to my recovery and mindset refresh.

jeffrrw · 2020-06-15T13:42:15+00:00

Hey Tony, same kinda situation except I'm still battling a contentious divorce in my late 20s. 7 years together 4 married.

How have you all adjusted to the loneliness associated with being newly divorced?

At first I tried running from the pain after having to flee my house from her rage episode. I did this by drinking and cavorting with strange women. This led me down a dark path and really amplified my pain and my problems as I wasnt truly owning them. After losing the last consistent hook up I had and contemplating killing myself over the holidays, as that was when our anniversary was, I decided instead to really try and lean into what therapy had been trying to teach me for several years at that point and decided to own my problems, how they contributed to my divorce, and how my choices going forward are really what matters.

I was so lonely in my marriage due to a lot of choices on my part and how I felt about myself but now. Now though, I have never felt more connected with other people. I feel good about myself and I can actually look in a mirror and not feel shame. I've opened up to people and let them in somewhat (still working on that). I'm making a conscious effort to connect with myself and others. Even though I am alone most days and nights, I'm not alone in my feelings, thoughts, dreams, and goals.

So some advice.

Get a new dog or cat if you have the time. If you don't have the time or patience for a pet, you probably should avoid that.
Be open with your girlfriend but not to the point of where you're dumping on her constantly. That's what therapy is for. Have your therapist help you construct ways to communicate what is going on in your head without being a reclusive, angry individual where your gf feels she has to absorb your problems. Own that shit. If she is your best friend as well she should be able to see that change. I just worry that if you lose your best friend/gf on top of recently losing your wife, how will you emotionally support yourself? If you don't resolve this and you lean on "your angel" (worried about codependency here) too much you will push her away. A book I often recommend as it was titular for myself is No more Mr. Nice Guy. It will help you become a more strong independent person and more effective communicator. Also if she feels she is saving you and helping you through your problems and feels a need to help, that is a red flag that she has a lot issues as well that she has to deal with. What happens in that situation when you no longer have problems? Then it starts to become controlling where she has to "fix" something else or find a new person to save.
How do you feel when you lay your head down at night? Are your thoughts rscing and you cannot sleep because of it? Or are you asking up with nightmares? A lot of that is your unconscious mind trying to unpack your emotional turmoil if that's the case. If you can deal with that and navigate it, then you will feel less alone.
Read lots of therapy articles and books or listen to YouTube videos/podcasts or both. There is wealth of information and wisdom on the internet that can help you navigate this issue.

wonkybingo · 2020-06-15T12:24:05+00:00

Get a new dog, hit the gym, hang with friends, download Tinder. You'll soon be loving life again.

akihonj · 2020-06-15T12:52:23+00:00

What do you want to do. This is a very serious question, I had to ask myself and most other men do as well.

I found my love of reading again, hitting the gym studying investing etc. Learned a lot of new things and learned to accept what happened and what my life is going to be like now. Loneliness is a big part of it and I believe that many men stay in abusive or shitty relationships because of two things.

First their entire self worth is dictated to them through a woman, learning to see how stupid that is was my first step. For men it's ingrained from birth and it takes a while to get that out of you.

Second because of what you have believed your entire life you think that the loneliness is all consuming when in fact it's far from that, it's time to spend on you, making you the kind of person you actually want to be, whatever that is. It's time that you have that you can use.

CertainCrow1 · 2020-06-15T13:23:21+00:00

I can't really relate. My marriage was very lonely at times. More than I ever felt when I was single at any time. Inahvent moved out yet but now that we are divorcing I don't feel lonely anymore.. helps that I know I have friends and family and in some cases reconnecting with them. I feel like I'll truly be at peace once I physically get out.

But yeah as others mentioned friends are super important. A couple good friends imo can easily replace a crappy spouse. Hobbies and keeping yourself busy also important. I wonder if maybe you are taking your failed marriage as a personal failure too much. You're still worthy of being loved by others, either romantically or friendship wise. You may find peace in solitude once you come to that realization. Could be my personality type.. always liked my space but after nonstop noise and putting out fires in my marriage I look forward to just being in solitude for a while

Oh just saw you alreayd have another girlfriend. Definitely feel like there is something to be resolved internally there. Some peace to be made with yourself. You divorce was only just finalized (you only started in Dec) and you've jumped into another relationship already. I can't even fathom that... But just be careful you aren't trying to apply a bandaid with a new relationship to try and ease your pain

Sinkronizedone · 2020-06-18T00:32:47+00:00

Hey man same boat at 30! I think the best way to kill the silence is to set up the vibe in your place. I eat the cost of extra power and play my favorite tunes all day on Spotify. I found this helps set the mood of my crib and gives a background to the place. When ever I enter there is music playing and gets me out of my darkness and sadness. We can do this!

dubbbyac · 2020-06-15T12:24:40+00:00

Give it time my man. Find your own path.

For me what started easing my mind was eating healthy, working out, journaling, and jiu jitsu. For the first timenin my life I invested in myself, I made decisions that were best for me. It took me a while to understand that.. but here I am. Those 4 things fit what I needed.. to overcome the silence and emptiness.

Find something that adds value to your life. Not drinking with your buds, not picking up chicks at the bar, not smoking weed and playing video games. Jiu jitsu fit that for me. Its a work out, it forces me to interact with people when I'm actually highly introverted, and its a life skill that builds character and confidence.

Goodluck and godspeed.

jazzy3113 · 2020-06-15T12:52:46+00:00

You’re age is your silver lining, especially as you’re a guy.

I would advise you date causally for a year to get back into things, and then start looking for wife #2

Title	Recently divorced. 29
Author	bigtony199077
Upvotes	13
Comments	31
Date	June 15, 2020 12:15 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/h9f5rb/recently_divorced_29/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/recently-divorced-29.818152 https://theredarchive.com/post/818152

Comments