Preemptive private investigators or spying on wife for cheating?

nuclearxp · 2020-04-20T18:34:04+00:00

What state do you live in? More than likely, as much as it’s sucks, none of that matters. Get a lawyer and decouple your emotions from reality.

ciscokid12345 · 2020-04-20T18:32:04+00:00

I feel like unless you are severely misaligned mentally you pretty accurately know that something isn't right. Save yourself the money and start immediately following https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/

She might change her mind about you once you Alpha up... Most likely she won't but you will have more strength of mind and build habits and trains of thought to make you stronger regardless.

Women aren't like men, they make a decision to move on typically many months before they actually do. So even if she hasn't found "Mr. Wonderful" yet, she's already left you. You just don't know it yet. She probably doesn't know it yet either, it's just a feeling that has changed for her. You went from being amazing to annoying.

My STBXW suddenly changed years ago. Lost a bunch of weight, started dressing like she was a teenager, started hanging out with friends, all her "fun plans" involved girls only, I was just the guy that paid for everything and took care of the kids while she had fun with others. Basically I was her Dad. It took a couple years, but eventually Mr wonderful did come along and that "friendship" turned into a love affair! He lives in my house and drives my Mercedes around now. What an asshole LOL!

sc1617 · 2020-04-21T01:25:00+00:00

I hired a PI even though I knew it wouldn't affect alimony. It just gave me some peace of mind. And it was nice being able to prove to everyone that my ex-wife was a lying cheater. Plus she knows I have all these pics and evidence so she leaves me alone. It was expensive, but worth it for me personally. (I also put a GPS tracker in her car, which was legal since it was registered to both of us (and you want to track where any valuable marital property like a vehicle may be, right?).... maybe consider that. It's cheaper and you can use an app on your phone to track her. Look on Amazon.)

NohoTwoPointOh · 2020-04-20T18:40:18+00:00

#1 and #2 are reality.

Kiss #3 goodbye, amigo.

Unless you live in one of the states or provinces that have penalties for adultery, there is no value in a PI. If you have deep suspicions, you're probably right. The best thing for you is to pretend that everything is going fine. Once she suspects that you are suspicious, her behavior will "tighten up" and she may preemptively file.

As the other poster said, you've got to get your emotions in check and start living in line with the new reality. The more time you spend in the "bargaining" phase, the harder you're gonna catch it.

Flogginga_dead_horse · 2020-04-20T20:12:15+00:00

I live in the US, in a state where adultery bars a spouse from alimony (spousal support). I ended up hiring a PI and it was the best thing (and investment) I have done in years.

My STBX started becoming very hostile a few years before I hired the PI. Always arguing and criticizing, always dissatisfied, always wanting more and better. Around 9 months before the PI she started going out extensively. Always saying that she was out with friends, often coming home after midnight and early in the morning. I (kind of) trusted her when she said that she was only out with girlfriends. At the same time, she was threatening with divorce but never acting on it. I took this information to a couple of lawyers to get advice. They both asked if she was fucking around (they might have used other words) and I said that I did not think so. They both suggested that I hire a PI to find out.

Around 4-5 months after discussing with the lawyers I had enough, and I hired a PI. 2-3 days into the investigation it was clear that my STBX was in fact having an affair. A hot affair. She was seeing this guy around 10 times over the next 3 weeks! The PI and my lawyer eventually concluded that I had enough evidence for court which would save me from ever paying spousal support (alimony).

The same day as I got the go ahead from my lawyer, I confronted my STBX and said I wanted a divorce. Now we are separated, and I am not paying her anything (except child support). I am just waiting for the divorce to go through.

In hindsight I would do the same again, although I now realized that I should have hired a PI earlier.

The proof from the PI made everything crystal clear for me. Divorce was the only way forward. Having proof of adultery enables me to get out of the divorce with the skin on my nose.

If you do not trust her there is probably a reason. If adultery means anything for alimony in your state, I would hire a PI, but of course you have to look at the cost of a PI compared to your potential saving in alimony. If no PI, then it might be the time to talk to a lawyer anyways and get the paperwork going.

Reading how many other men are being skinned alive financially, by their X’s, I am happy that I went to a PI.

Mymindisgone217 · 2020-04-20T19:10:38+00:00

If there is enough distrust in your marriage that you feel that you need to hire someone to follow her around and see what she is up to, then you might as well save yourself the time and money, and just end things. If she isn't and finds out that you have set something like this up, she will most likely want a divorce from you because she isn't going to feel that she can trust you.

No matter who we are with at any one time, there is always going to be a chance that they will do something that will hurt us. It may be intentional, or it may be a complete accident. There is no way to completely safeguard ourselves from being hurt by an S.O. unless we choose not to have one.

If you have concerns about some of the things she has been doing or saying, take time to sit down and talk with her about them. This would be far better than having someone tail her. It will be understandable for you to need to take time to think about what she tells you and if you can believe it or not, but be careful not to let it boil around in your head for too long. You have to decided if your distrust of her is because of something she has actually done or if it is because of something that has happened in your past and now are assuming that she is doing the same. I don't know your history, so I can't tell you which it may be, so that is something that you have to work to figure out for yourself.

NothingIsEverEnough · 2020-04-20T19:26:47+00:00

If I didn’t trust my spouse to the point where I needed a PI, that marriage is already dead.

and it’s because of one of two reasons

I’m fucked up in the head (paranoid)
She’s fucked up in the head (cheating)

In either case, one or both of you need help. and without that help, the marriage will fail.

A Private Investigator cannot provide that help to either of us, so why hire her/him. Pointless.

samk002001 · 2020-04-21T04:40:55+00:00

I just want to say that your guts are never wrong. I was the same way before I found out my stbxw love affair through her iWatch that I bought her during Christmas. time. I felt she’s absent all the time and always find a way to go out. Like moms night out, ican group, birthday month celebration, you name it. I was just her dad paying for bills and taking care of my son. Once I found out that night, I confronted her, but she was mad at me since I snooped around her stuffs. I found my lawyer the next day, but I did tried to save the marriage while filing for divorce. But, in the end I know i was wasting my time. The silver lining is I get to spend a lot of times with my son and he hated to go to her because she’s just a shitty mom!

Title	Preemptive private investigators or spying on wife for cheating?
Author	Behealthyman
Upvotes	6
Comments	12
Date	April 20, 2020 6:07 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/g4xxfo/preemptive_private_investigators_or_spying_on/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/preemptive-private-investigators-or-spying-on-wife.818317 https://theredarchive.com/post/818317

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