being first mate, how to avoid being used?

StingrayVC · 2015-09-30T12:49:16+00:00

but what if he doesn't reciprocate?

Then, Next (and before he puts a ring on it. It won't magically change with a circle on your finger).

Edit: I want to add, not reciprocating means not doing anything. It is not an excuse to leave a man for not reciprocating in the way we expect him to.

scallopkid · 2015-09-30T11:58:22+00:00

You have to be with someone you trust. It kind of blows my mind that anyone would be in a serious relationship with someone they don't trust to not take advantage of them. Making yourself vulnerable to the other person is part of the intimacy.

KatherineKelly · 2015-10-01T05:07:37+00:00

Being used can come out of being taken for granted. It is that place reached in a relationship when your guy is not afraid to lose you to another guy.

Everything I do I do for me. I eat healthy for me. I exercise for me. I dress nicely for me. I keep my nails polished and my hair long and healthy looking for me. I walk with head up for me. I talk softly and clearly for me. I'm friendly but reserved for me. I develop my mind and spirit for me. I am a lady for me. It is partly where my self respect comes from. The standards I hold myself to for me as self respect.

I do not do it out of fear to hold onto someone or entice someone into my life.

Everything I do is an investment in me as a person and a woman.

This makes me valuable to my guy. He knows that other men will value me for the same reasons he does. It comes out of competition. He knows that he is competing against other men for me just as I compete against other women for him.

Competition can cause anxiety and I think sometimes it is believed that once you are in a relationship this competition ends so you do not have to work on yourself any longer.

This may work up to a point because of love, loyalty and the comfort of familiarity but the forces of competition are always and relentlessly active up until the day you die. Sharing the roads with others or shopping on xmas eve should prove that.

It is much more difficult for someone to use you when you have so much value that this value creates opportunities and choices. What is important is not creating this value to get something from others. You must do it for yourself only or you will have no incentive to do it.

I personally do not like that word obedient. That is a word I associate with children concerning their parents. You are an adult having adult relationships. The benefits of being in adult relationships are meant to be reciprocal. It is an exchange of abilities, qualities and gifts.

An agreement freely entered into without manipulation (deceit) , coercion (threats) or exploitation.

Being used implies being exploited. It damages you by stealing your dignity as a human being. It leaves you with the sensation that your blood is being drained from your body.

If you are in a relationship that diminishes you, than it is probably best to consider leaving that relationship.

This applies to all relationships. Partner, work, parents, siblings, friends, ect

Reddthrown · 2015-09-30T10:17:19+00:00

A first mate is not a doormat. You can always leave if you're not happy.

TempestTcup · 2015-09-30T11:12:00+00:00

You choose well when picking out a man; if he isn't pulling his own weight in the relationship, then you picked the wrong man. Also, you don't lose your own basic personality and become some sort of cooking cleaning robot in a relationship. You still have your job (or at least most of us have jobs), your friends, your family, your hobbies, your interests, etc.

Decisions aren't entirely his domain; they are discussed and mulled over by both parties, and then, after compiling all of the information, he makes the final decision on what fits best in BOTH of your lives.

RPW, for the most part, are not obedient or submissive. We aren't ordered around (if you choose your man well) and we don't blindly do as we are told. We do have brains you know.

Edited to add that regarding:

he makes the final decision

The reason for giving him the final decision, besides showing respect for his leadership abilities, is that men tend to have far-reaching insight with their decisions. Women live mainly in the present, and make short-term decisions (instant gratification, etc), but men are usually more long-term thinkers, and look at how certain things fit into their plans far into the future.

vguertin88 · 2015-09-30T16:10:52+00:00

If you have a man that doesn't reciprocate, you have found yourself a bad captain. II know for a fact previously blue pill men can be changed back to their natural state because I've made the changes in myself and watched them affect my husband. He's a different man. Where he used to forget to do things, flake out, be selfish and unromantic, he is the opposite. Make sure you are getting out of your man's way and letting him lead. It make take a few months, my personal attempts failed initially but the second time around I did much better at surrendering and he has responded in amazing ways. Thoughtful, romantic, take charge, on top of things.

So if you have only been trying to change your ways personally, for less than six months, I'd say keep trying to improve and he will step up eventually. If he doesn't or he is clearly just taking advantage of what your offering, you've got an idiot steering your ship.

Code_Bordeauxx · 2015-10-04T13:37:47+00:00

Well, what would an actual, literal first mate do when (s)he feels used by the captain, not rewarded and respected enough for his/her hard work on the ship?

Exactly. The first mate would start working at another ship where the crew is treated better. It's that simple.

freebumblebee · 2015-09-30T13:52:37+00:00

Like everyone said, the right person will not use you. But it can be hard to know when you're being used, especially if you're young, inexperienced, or desperate. I did not have a good relationship with my ex, but I'm glad I had it, because it showed me clearly what being used looks like and feels like. Now I can be hypersensitive to being taken advantage of, but at least it's not going to happen again. I find it helps to bounce things off of people. If everyone around you is saying he's taking advantage of you, maybe you should listen. If you talk to an objective third party, like a therapist or even a forum like this one, and they're all telling you he's using you, maybe he is. And don't forget to listen to your gut and trust it.

llem20 · 2015-09-30T15:56:20+00:00

You're not supposed to be submissive, you're not supposed to be a doormat. If you read Laura Doyle's book, she tells you that you're supposed to ask directly for what you want. (you don't tell him how to do it, or when you want it, just that you want an end result). So by letting your Captain know that you want a new dress, if gives him a chance to buy a new dress for you, to spoil you as most Men want to.

Title	being first mate, how to avoid being used?
Author	boxofwaffles
Upvotes	4
Comments	22
Date	September 30, 2015 9:18 AM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/3my1u3/being_first_mate_how_to_avoid_being_used/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/being-first-mate-how-to-avoid-being-used.85640 https://theredarchive.com/post/85640

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