I got asked to make this post several month ago in the comment section. I'm only starting to catch up with requests but I think the discussion still worth having.

One user wrote that she uses FDS principles merely for the cause of detecting red flags but nothing more. Like a man doesn't need to be a HVM and that she is fine with the absence of red flags in her relationship. Let's elaborate why this is a bad strategy.

​

  1. Just because you don't see any red flags right now doesn't mean that there aren't any. You learn your whole life. 5 years ago you certainly would have broken up with your now ex SO if you knew of the red flags you are familiar with now. Right now you have higher standards than back then because you got burned in the past and learned from that experience. And because you are here one FDS where people share their stories. Save yourself from further pain as good as you can and keep your standards high. Never settle.
  2. When you settle for "no red flags" you settle for a LVM, at best. "No red flags" equals "LVM". Just because he doesn't hit you (obvious red flag) doesn't mean that he is good for you in other aspects of the relationship. I made the mistake to assume that the absence of physical violence meant that my by then partner isn't abusive. Until one day after 4 years into the relationship he suddenly hit me because I didn't want to have sex at the moment (I was busy with learning for an upcoming exam). All these years he elegantly danced around this one red flag he knew I certainly wouldn't tolerate from anyone. After isolating me from my family and friends he felt secure enough to escalate. Until this point I thought he was a great man with JuSt A FeW TrOuBlEs FoR mE tO oVeRlOOk. But as his hand struck my head the whole illusion shattered. The relationship was irredeemable broken. It was only then when I started to realize that he subjected me to sexual abuse over all these years too. He escalated sexual violence to physical violence but I didn't know that sexual violence can occur without physical violence. I didn't realize that he raped me over years because he never physically restrained me or was rough with me. I thought he couldn't be financially abusive as long as I paid my own bills or even his(🚩). I didn't know he was verbally abusive because he never called me names (🚩) or shouted at me(🚩). What I thought of a LVM on his way to betterment was an NVM - an outright abuser - in truth. Any I didn't see it because I gave a supposed "LVM" a chance, over and over again.
  3. We don't have a complete list of red flags. It's impossible to know all the red flags that exists because we don't have perfect information. It's scientifically impossible to predict the future to this extent. We can only analyze the past, make assumptions in the present and follow a different path in the future, where we will face the same problem all over again. Relying on this limited information we have will always put us one step behind of abusers. Picture a decision tree. You see 6 possible paths in front of you. 2 of them are known red flags so you won't go there. 4 paths remain. Which one are you going to take and with what reasoning? Trail and error is a very bad strategy but it's exactly what you do. Which brings me to the next point:
  4. You know what you don't want but you don't follow what you want. This is the mindset of a loser, sorry not sorry. Where do you stand in your (relationship-)life? What drives you? Why would you even be in a relationship to begin with? "I don't want to be alone" is a terrible excuse and if you feel called out you got some work to do. Because right now you are floating around in your life. Do better. Keep your eyes on the price. And with "price" I'm not talking about a man, I'm talking about you.

Additions welcome!