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Couples and Money

August 20, 2022

So let's pretend you are married.

Would you have separate accounts? Who would be in control of the finances? Why?

I'm just curious πŸ€”

In my relationship (I'm a woman, if you haven't figured that out yet) We each have our own account that a small percentage of our paycheck goes into for our hobbies, as this reduces fights. The rest goes in a joint account. My second small job goes into a fourth account, which is a savings account. My own money (about 75 a paycheck) is used for my hobbies, to pay the kids allowances (40) and a small amout goes to my investment account. My husband gets about 120 a paycheck.

I manage all the bills, all the spending. My husband has no idea what's where, and has no interest. I took over because I am just better with money, and way more frugal than him. I also have more realistic expectations of what things should cost.

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Post Information
Title Couples and Money
Author Marzipan-Happy
Upvotes 5
Comments 32
Date August 20, 2022 2:59 AM UTC (3 months ago)
Subreddit /r/AllPillDebate
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/AllPillDebate/couples-and-money.1139658
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/AllPillDebate/comments/wswi9o/couples_and_money/

[–]IHateNormis 2 points3 points  (12 children) | Copy Link

I would have separate transaction accounts because I don’t trust anyone. Maybe a joint savings term deposit account where you cannot easily withdraw. I have also never been in a relationship though, so this hasn’t been tested

[–]Marzipan-Happy[S] 1 point2 points  (11 children) | Copy Link

Our checking is in his name, same with our cars, butbour savings is in my name. Keeps it safer

[–]johnnybayarea 0 points1 point  (10 children) | Copy Link

How does that keep anything safer? safer from what?

[–]Marzipan-Happy[S] 0 points1 point  (9 children) | Copy Link

Honestly? If he decided he had enough, everything is on his name, I'd be fucked. Except... I have the savings in my name. Cold, but true. I would never leave hom, but what if he decided that he wanted a younger, hotter wife?

[–]johnnybayarea 0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy Link

Yea, so that doesn't do anything unless your specific jurisdiction works that way. if the house was only in his name, as well as ever account...you could just sue him for 1/2 of everything. If the judge sees that your husband did this maliciously, they could get very punitive with damages. The only issue with not having ea others names on stuff, is that outside of court it'll be hard to get information on the accounts or even know of their existence.

If you go into a messy divorce, the lawyers will find every crumb of value, and unless either of you can prove it was separate property...and there's no prenup, you are splitting it 50/50.

Of course i'm not a lawyer, and likely different states have slightly different laws...but I haven't heard of a state where the weaker partner get screwed...its usually seen the other way around.

[–]HodgekinWhitePill 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

My advice would be, be so good that your husband can't trade you for another person.

People have lost the art of relationship.

[–]RatDontPanicAverage Unfrustrated Chump 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

We have a joint account. We're both really conservative with our spending due to being dirt poor when we got married. Things ain't the same anymore but we kept those old habits. My wife is just as good as me at budgeting. I'd never have separate accounts.

[–]insertcredit2 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

My wife and I have a joint account that we each pay in a proportion of our wages and this account covers all bills, plus groceries and mortgage. Everything else stays in our personal accounts.

[–]HodgekinWhitePill 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

I'm may be the only idiot here :). I make all the $. My wife is a stay at home mom.

We both have our own accounts and a joint account, but it's really pointless since I make all the money. I give her full access to the money, in cash or in chequings. I never refused giving her money.

We have similar spending habits, both fairly frugal.

Been married for 4 years.

If you all are wondering, I'm fully aware of divorce statistics. I'm very confident my wife will not divorce me.

[–]johnnybayarea 0 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy Link

You don't have to worry extra about divorce...you were boned either way without a prenup. Whether the accounts are in her name or control, she's still entitled to 1/2 if its considered comunal property (earned while married).

[–]HodgekinWhitePill 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

You're right.

I took a different approach with my relationship. Instead of thinking, how best should I protect my assets incase of divorce, I ask, how did other people manage to prevent divorce from happening?

I took a lot of time learning from people who have long stable marriage, and implemented the same strategy to my own marriage.

People will call that foolish. Like that analogy, "if your parachute had a 50/50 chance of failing, would you jump out of an airplane?".

My response would be, how can I be part of that 50% that didn't fail?

Divorce isn't a coin flip. If people took responsibility for everything they did in life, they would know they have full control over their relationships.

[–]johnnybayarea 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

I'm fairly newly married and kinda taking the same approach as well. There's nothing against protecting yourself in time of worse case scenario, but definitely also focus as much time figuring out your partner's pain points and how not to succumb to divorce like the greater percentage of ppl today.

i think for many divorce is a coin flip, sadly its the reality of who we are as people today. The barrier to entry is almost non existent, everyone loves love, without really understanding the work involved. Many people don't consider the cost of their potential mistake and get into marriages way to easily. Lastly, our lack of discipline and delaying of gratification culture makes it that ppl are more willing to quit than stick, cause its easier that way.

[–]HodgekinWhitePill 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I agree that the younger generation is more shallow and aloof in their relationship. That's why it's even more important to pick the right person, as well as mold them to the perfect partner. I don't leave anything to chance. Everything in the relationship is negotiated. If you get all the expectations out of the way, you can start actually having a relationship, instead of being passive aggressive when your partner does something you don't like.

As bad as the western mentality is, it's not the level of a coin flip. That would imply the people who decided to get divorce without cause are schizophrenic. Every divorce story I listen to has a cause. It's never a whim.

As a man (I'm assuming your a guy here), you should never capitulate to bad behavior. Like in law, where cases look at precedent rulings to help determine the case, you have to make sure you don't make a precedent for bad behavior. This mindset is essentially, love is conditional. Which goes against what people are taught. Make sure your partner knows where the boundaries are, and that if she crosses it, she will lose your love. It's harsh, but I hear way to many stories where marriage fail because the husband loved his wife unconditionally, and she kept pushing and pushing until the marriage finally broke.

[–]lostwanderer28 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Seperated account. Though, mainly because of my beliefs, she'd have full access over our finances.

[–]SaltyGeekyLifter 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

We have a joint account that we both put money in to from our own accounts. I run savings (and am the only contributor due to wifey’s financial incontinence) and my wife runs household bills.

[–]RazhL 0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy Link

Seperate accounts. But all aims towards a shared life.

1 or multiple centralized accounts where we both pay fair shares of our income (assuming 2 incomes) towards upkeep expenses (mostly). The rest should be co-managed by the both of us.
Both of you also having an open, private account is absolutely fine (even preferred).
Do with your private money whatever you want, but the shared account must be discussed. No exceptions.

The underlying thought is that you don’t trust any one party with all the money (myself included). No half measures on this. Money corrupts.

I know that might seem a bit cold and bothersome to some, but i’ve seen money in my own family causing cracks. I’ve seen money rip my stepfathers family in half. β€œMy brother is dead to me” gets dropped occasionally.

[–]Marzipan-Happy[S] 2 points3 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

We ended up with separate hobby accounts (even though I'm more practical with mine) because we fought so much about how much he spends on his hobbies. Now it's his issue if he wants to spend a ton of money on computer parts/ tabletop gaming stuff/ whatever. My hobbies are cheap, the reality is I spend about 20-30 a month.

[–]RazhL 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Exactly like this :). I think seperating private expenses like this is most fair for everyone involved.

[–]Marzipan-Happy[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Exactly, then there is no fight over resources

[–]johnnybayarea 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

Hopefully, you've already collected IRA money, full 401k, 503b if necesary, etc. If your discretionary fund is only 10% of your total take and distributed evenly, then I figure you are well off or at least safe.

If you got everything planned out for your future, then dumping money into some hobbies isn't that bad, esp if it keeps the person motivated to keep going to work.

[–]Marzipan-Happy[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

All of that is accounted for, bi monthly pay checks, 75 a check only amounts to 150 a month. That's nothing.

[–]johnnybayarea 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

150/mo discretionary spending seems reasonable. It's hard to talk raw numbers since everyone is living different financial realities. Just make sure the emergency and retirement funds are funded as we as possible before getting too crazy with discretionary spending at any level.

[–]Taipanshimshon 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Having been married...

It doesn't matter where you keep the money you earn during marriage as long as it's traceable ( you know... Don't deposit money from your cocaine sales ) ... And you don't mix it with pre marriage assets.

As far as how you spend it ... If you're married and in this case I'd hope y'all know what the other makes... I'd be pissed if my spouse expected me to pay all the bills) mortgage etc and she didn't participate.( As long as that wasn't pre arranged)

[–]johnnybayarea 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I am married, we have 1 joint account that every pay check goes into. We have pre marriage savings/stock portfolios as well that are kept mostly separate. Currently all of our life is lived out of that joint account, but I am considering making scheduled payout from the joint to personal accounts or rather personal trading accounts for "fun".

I prefer this since i'm generally the higher earner and the more frugal person (in all my relationships). Where having split accounts doesn't protect me in divorce, I'd rather have a closer eye to what my partner is doing with their money. With that said, she can buy whatever she wants/needs. The alarm bells only go off at the end of the month if our CC bills are up.

The concern I have with split accounts is if 1 person is frugal and 1 isn't. The less frugal person burns thru their discretionary fund, meaning they grew the family's worth much less. While the other partner will end up contributing more to their retirement at the end. Worse even, if you get divorced, the other partner would have full access to the frugal partners slush fund.

[–]BumblingBeta 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I would never trust someone else with my finances. That would be mad! Letting someone else have control of my money so they can spend it how they want, you've got to be kidding!

Why are most people saying they give their wife full access to their money? That's not very red pill. That's about as blue pill as you can get.

[–]Admirable_Bee_8714 0 points1 point  (6 children) | Copy Link

Personally I question the mental capacity of anyone who works for a living and has no idea how the money they earn is spent.

[–]Marzipan-Happy[S] 0 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy Link

It's been 18 years, I make more, the bills get paid, he is happy.

[–]Admirable_Bee_8714 0 points1 point  (4 children) | Copy Link

You mean he is oblivious.

[–]Marzipan-Happy[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

He makes that choice. Every so often I end up with a captive audience, and I'm able to go over the state of affairs with him. He knows what we pull in monthly, around what's in our savings and retirement accounts, but when it comes down to day-to-day what we spend on school for the kids, food, utilities, gas, ect He really couldn't give a shit. It's not like it's a secret, my planner sits on my desk, and he could, at any time go through it and see where the money is going down to the penny.

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[–]Marzipan-Happy[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I would also like to add, that my husband grew up with his mom managing the money, and his dad being oblivious. My mother in law is historically secretive, and she was diagnosed a few months ago with pancreatic cancer. She has declined rapidly, and her cognitive function has as well. My father in law realized that none of the bills had been paid since shortly after she was diagnosed, and started panicking when he got their first foreclosure notice. My mother in law has refused to give him any of the account numbers or passwords, and screams at him that she will take care of it.

As a result, my husband had to drive to them, three hours away, to help his dad dig through all of the bills, and attempt to recover her passwords, go to banks, ect to sort this out. He is still there, and this has finally made him realize that, like I have told him over and over again, he really needs to know what is where and what bills we have.

[–]VasiliyZaitzev 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I would have have separate accounts and I would use mine to pay household bills and manage money. She would have her own bank accounts, plus she would max out her IRA every year and 401K as well. If she was working at a higher end gig, I would let her pay up to her % of our total income, if she insisted (I have never been married, but I have had some girls who, for all practical purposes, lived with me. So to the extent she wanted to - some do - I would allow it, or to pay for one off items. But in general I just pick up the tab.)

I would manage everything because I am good at logistics, $ and turned myself into a self-made millionaire, plus the women I date are in their 20s. So just like my girls think that travel plans magically take care of themselves, so would financial planning.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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