In September of 2023 my then-wife of 16 years and partner for 23 told me she didn’t love me and didn’t know if she ever did. We were high school sweethearts and went to college together. We have 2 beautiful sons 12 and 14 years old. We are both attractive, in great shape, college educated (I have my MBA) and good jobs. She was always restless. I’ve learned she has an avoidant attachment style since our split. The same week she told me she didn’t love me she walked it back. She said she couldn’t imagine her life without me and just needed some space. I accommodated. A year and a month later in October 2024 she said she wanted a divorce. 3 days later she took it back again. This time, i told her that if she brings this up again, she’ll need to know where she’s sleeping that night because I’m not willing to do this a fourth time. Before her first assault on our marriage in September 2023 she had quit her job as a registered nurse to pursue her newfound dream of becoming a life coach. Years prior she had started running marathons. As the kids aged, next it was as a BodyPump instructor in her downtime. And then a BeachBody coach before telling me her plan to quit her (already) part-time nursing gig to be a life coach. She put us in about $20,000 of debt over the subsequent year and a half. When I decided the coaching was a new addiction and unhealthy for our relationship it was too late for my intervention to any positive impact.

I was on the outside.

I was, “the husband objection” in her new sales jargon. I’d lost her. She was always a little lost. Bad family dynamic when she was a child. I thought by being a safe, dependable and kind partner she’d healed those wounds. She never actually did the work to heal. And she came to resent me for ‘looking at her like she was injured’ whatever that meant to her. Before she left she told me I was trying to keep her small when had I asked her to please return to work and pay down some of the debt.

Or I was controlling her.

Imagine the emotional whiplash when after we reconciled this past October for the second time she said she was going to find a therapist and go back to nursing full time. This was mid-December when she showed these HUGE positive steps.

I thought we had truly turned a corner.

She told me 2 weeks later she was going to live with her sister and wanted a divorce.

We filed the first round of paperwork March 18. We go back to file the last round June 16.

I was and remain hollowed out by the whole ordeal. Like I’m a sucker.

She seems chipper. Wants to be friends. Wants to tell me about her dating life. Asks about mine. I’ve gently pushed back on those and other new boundaries for myself. Every time I do she explodes and then almost immediately recovers the next day acknowledging it’s for the best. I’m exhausted. Dating doesn’t help. I’m seeing a truly amazing woman at the moment and she knows I’m in no fit state to be a good partner but shows up anyway. She asks very little in return and that makes me feel even lower. I’m having good days. Still in shape. Paying down the debt. Working on my side hustle. Golfing. Painting now for fun. I journal. Therapy. I listen the Modern Wisdom podcast. I like my job.

But man.

Some days. I feel like I’m just staring down the side of a Grand Canyon where my life used to be. It’s not the person I miss. Truly. If this is who she is then I know I’m better off. But that life I had envisioned is gone now. Like a dear friend died. And it’s just a crater where my dear life with my dear wife once was. I want to ask her, “what if our sons did this to their adoring wife?” “What if - after a lifetime together, our boys told the mother of their kids, YOUR grandkids, ‘Hey listen, Babe: it’s been grand but I’m just not feeling the vibe anymore. It’s not you it’s me. I’m gonna go find myself. BTW you can keep the house and all my debt. Peace out.’”

But I know now, she has such a warped world view she’d probably say, “that’s the right choice. Life is too short to stay in a relationship that’s no longer serving you.” That’s the type of sh#t I’d hear her say to her few coaching clients. So again- that’s not the type of person I want to be married to anymore. We had a beautiful life. Rather than doing the work on herself to make it work, she ran away.

It’s just that hollow feeling while I’m staring down at the hole in ground where my life used to be feels like too much some days. Like that hole could swallow me up. In spite of all the journaling, therapy, gym trips and hobbies. Some days just heckin’ suck.