Channeling Rage?

The_Restructured_Man · 2026-06-08T11:36:39+00:00

u/ComplexCatastrophe BJJ is the right instinct. But honestly any combat sport gets you there. I train muay thai and BJJ and the reason it works isn't just the physical outlet. It's that you cannot be anywhere else mentally when you're on the mat. Your brain has no choice but to be present. The divorce, the anger, the people who let you down, none of it exists for that time.

The other thing nobody tells you is what happens over time. You start doing something genuinely hard, consistently, and your brain starts building a different story about who you are. Not the guy who got burned. The guy who shows up and does hard things and that identity shift is worth more than the cardio.

Find a gym this week and just walk in. Most will give you a free first class. Do that before you talk yourself out of it lol.

throwawayupvoterx · 2026-06-07T19:37:29+00:00

The rage usually comes from the feeling that you played by the rules and still lost. Try heavy lifting or something high intensity to burn off the physical adrenaline, otherwise it just sits in your chest.

Intrepid_Counter7324 · 2026-06-07T17:17:59+00:00

Oh man, a lot to unpack here. Try read everything here, hope it makes sense... But there's some stuff here you are missing bro.

Firstly, anger and rage... They are normal. They do need to experienced and explored as an emotion... But not just by hitting something, fighting isn't the answer in the way you've proposed it. Combat sports regardless are a great pursuit, as is anything where it's hard/competitive/requires discipline and perseverance (weighttraining/running/endurance sports etc).

Men need the purpose of challenge, we need something we can struggle against, where we can measure growth against effort.

Men also face adversity with action. We fix, we work, we try, we persevere. In a divorce it often feels for men like no one is trying enough. Realistically, the people we want to fix with have given up, maybe they tried or maybe not. It doesn't matter, but often in that moment what's stolen is our sense of effort. Take that sense effort and put towards another pursuit like combat sports.

Effort needs a home. Grief needs a focus... Effort and focus, you can regain that control through a physical pursuit.

You mention friends etc failing you. Look bro, just forget about blaming people. The reason your marriage failed are because of you and your ex wife.

Other people/places/things from the divorce, they may provide context and situation... But the choice to be in a marriage witj everyone trying... It only takes 2 people making 1 decision. Everything thing/everyone else is just context. Don't blame the context. It's the 2 people and that 1 decision where things went wrong.

There are either 1 of 2 things at play, possibly even both.

She didn't stop loving you because she changed, but because you did or failed to do something that eroded her desire to be your wife.
She didn't want your relationship because something changed in her.

Find all the reasons e for #1 and accept and face them.

Regardless, stop blaming anyone but the 2 of you. Eventually you will need to stop blaming her, but rather, accepting she is who she is and did what she did... Regardless of how disappointed you may be in her, you accept that her actions reflect the real her.

Likewise for anything you did wrong, you will eventually need to accept that what you did is what you did, it doesn't need to continue to be who you are.

A great way to reach this point in your life is simply time. While waiting though, the mind will feel less trapped and more willing to adjust if it has a difficult physical pursuit to focus on.... Like combat sports/weights etc.

That's my $0.02.

Do the combat sports for the discipline and focus But use that peace and focus to help shift your mind towards acceptance, rejecting the notion of blame and gaining confidence in your new self through affirmative masculine action.

JayRock1970 · 2026-06-07T16:56:20+00:00

If I was 36 I'd go into Jui Jitsu for sure. But also, and I'm 55, I started going to CoDA, Buddhist meditation classes and counselling.

At the end of the day, build yourself up, use the fire inside to be your best self. But also cut yourself some slack, it's a horrible thing to go through.

Finally, the greatest healer is time.

UrAristotle · 2026-06-07T16:56:18+00:00

I don’t think Fight Club is the answer.

It’s just time. My ex had an affair with someone close to our family and I spent 3 months trying to save my marriage and protect our kids from finding out what she did.

At one point she told me, “I no longer feel guilt or shame for what I did.” That was only a few months after I found out and before she moved out.

Divorce was final a little over a year ago, and I still feel plenty of rage over what she did. At the same time I recognize that the intensity isn’t as long and the frequency isn’t as often.

It sounds like you didn’t have kids with her. If that’s the case, be thankful. At some point she will become just someone that you used to know.

I remind myself of the saying that holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. She will never feel it. Even if you express it to her, she will deflect and find a way to make her the hero of her own story.

Got_any_lemonade · 2026-06-07T16:51:43+00:00

Don't do martial arts while you are full of anger. Save it for a more stable state. Heavy work helps a bit. For example woodcutting or demolition.

Title	Channeling Rage?
Author	ComplexCatastrophe
Upvotes	7
Comments	14
Date	June 7, 2026 4:42 PM UTC (1 month ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1tzh2vw/channeling_rage/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/channeling-rage.1582277 https://theredarchive.com/post/1582277

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