Day 66.

dday_throwaway3 · 2024-04-03T06:31:57+00:00

> I want the version of my wife back that used to love me.

Stop wishing for something that isn't going to happen. Even if it did in some alternate universe, you'd never trust her again. You'd always have this nagging feeling in the back of your head that she will leave at a moment's notice. That's no way to live.

Genuine desire cannot be negotiated. Stop thinking of her as one-in-a-million when she's one-of-a-million.

TheButcher2680 · 2024-04-03T00:30:14+00:00

It takes time. I joined empowered man. They have helped me out tremodously. I got tomthe point where the wife I knew died when she had her affair, and I came to terms with who she was is gone and this new version is not who I want to be with. It also held me accountable for how I showed up in the past and own my faults as well.

berzerker5000 · 2024-04-03T00:21:17+00:00

I’m on month 10. Mostly I miss my kids and not her, but occasionally those feelings of wanting it all back creep in. I know this is missing an idealized version of what we had that wasn’t reality anyway. I am well over the initial hurt and blame phase. Processing my role in things without trying to blame myself so I can become the best version of me. I am reading No More Mr. Nice Guy which is mindblowingly accurate. Really is better than most therapy. I was out by the pool this last weekend and just got this impulse to text her what I learned. Told her no need to text me back. I cried a little after I sent it which surprised me. First time I have cried over her in months. More of a healing cry if anything. Takes a while to fully let go.

Here’s what I wrote if it helps. It reflects a new stage of understanding that I am in:

“Also you know what I realized on my end? My feelings of childhood abandonment due to not feeling loved by my parents (primarily due to a workaholic emotionally distant father and being primarily raised by my mother) left me with a love void which led to a complex of “if I can just be good and try to be better maybe they will love me more.” By my teenage years I tried to fill this love void with unhealthy habits and friends becuase that was the only way I could figure out to getting my needs for attention and love met.

So later in life, in my relationships I carried forth the belief that if I can just be good (work hard, be successful to provide, serve, revere)then I will be loved. However, in my focus on being good, I wasn’t getting my own needs met, nor taking the responsibility for it, which led to dissatisfaction, depression and getting my needs met in unhealthy ways and even through adult tantrums. The effect of this ironically, was the opposite of what I set out to do in being good. It turned away those that I wanted to love me, pushed me in to self-destructive habits (overeating, not taking care of myself) which made me feel and act worse. Yet the disconnect was I continued to strive to be good because of my conditioning and was dissatisfied when my partner did not reciprocate with love because of I was being a sub-par version of myself, which led me to lash out, make cutting remarks, and be in a state where I was not providing the emotional companionship a romantic partner needs to provide. I was focusing on one category of needs, financial, and ignoring the other 75% because I never learned how to having never had a good example in my childhood of how to do that from a masculine role model because my dad was absent and being raised by my mother instilled me with an undeveloped version of healthy masculinity that I would need later in love to have successful relationships.

Yet I continued trying to be good and please my partner to repair the relationship, and failing again because of the above and the downward cycle repeats and eventually reached a breaking point. That is the 30k foot view of my role in it I believe.

Now that I have had time to remember what my needs are and meet them, not because I set out to do that, but as a byproduct of healing and transformation that happens after a grieving process. And you weren’t meeting your needs either, but started at the end. And we grew apart in the pursuit of our own needs, which would have put us in a better place emotionally and romantically when we are each being the best version of ourselves. Tends to happen in relationships. But some couples are able to preset the reset button and ultimately stay together”

There are times alone in my apt I get sad due to the loneliness. But most of the time I am happy and content. I go out and socialize with friends, date women, and have an active work life. I feel like this is about fully being ok being alone and learning how to fully meet my needs without a romantic partner. I feel like that actually helps make me more confident and attractive to women, since I don’t really care that much if a date works out and am not needy.

SelectionNo3078 · 2024-04-03T00:10:54+00:00

End of May is two years since she said she didn’t want to try to reconcile

Today I signed the settlement agreement to submit for our court date

I didn’t feel a ton

But some days I still deal with a lot

And ultimately I’d still try to find a way to save it but you can’t do it alone

It gets easier

I assume I’ll always carry sadness about it However

For me getting back on my feet financially and attention from women will make a ton of difference

**have had enough attention that I know they’re our there.

Good luck.

Melodic-Grapefruit-4 · 2024-04-02T23:51:41+00:00

Im going on 30days dude. It hits me in waves. But one thing i can tell you, is you need to be active. Work out. Run. Walk. Whatever. I struggle with the thought of would i take her back if she asked me? Knowing that shes already been on dates with a new guy? And they’re probably texting like crazy, setting up plans to meet when i have our kids this week and After causing a heart ache where i didn’t eat for 5 days? i would never want anyone else to experience? Nah bro, time to move on.

Genghishahn44 · 2024-04-02T23:29:59+00:00

Hey man cheer up. I get love and all that jazz but no good marriage has ever ended in divorce. The version of your wife that loves you isn’t there anymore at this point. Time to love yourself get a hobby go find some bitches smoke a doobie and grab a boobie my man. Get out there go play pool. Stop counting days of being alone and start counting tomorrow as day 1 of your hey time to rebuild. Good luck man maybe gods not listening but Reddit is. Call your mom tell her you love her.

Title	Day 66.
Author	Comfortable-Long-419
Upvotes	4
Comments	11
Date	April 2, 2024 11:07 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1bucxd8/day_66/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/day-66.1513945 https://theredarchive.com/post/1513945

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