Feeling lost

bk2747 · 2024-01-28T22:56:10+00:00

Get a divorce

Ptsdveterannavy · 2024-01-28T22:11:33+00:00

I've been there done that. We, even after the 1st separation, reconciled, but less than a year later, 3 months after I retired from the military, she filed for divorce. I'd say for you to go nuclear and break the button so you can't turn it off. She wants a divorce and is playing the long game and as long as you keep playing it, you'll remain in limbo until it's too late and then you'll be very upset with yourself with the "Could've-Would've" mindset.

MonarchistExtreme · 2024-01-28T20:31:59+00:00

Seize the initiative and move towards divorce with action, not words. You will learn real quick is she's game playing or truly wanting out.

JMusicTravelLove · 2024-01-28T12:20:28+00:00

You will feel better if you take control of the situation. I personally realized at one point that the reason I didn't have what I wanted was because I didn't know what I wanted. You sir are in charge, If you don't like the way she waffles or the way she treats you tell her what's up. tell her what you want and expect and be prepared to walk if she doesn't provide those things. someone else will I am sure. sometimes the winning move is not to play the game. don't waste your life trying to convince people to treat you properly. good luck to you sir

EnvironmentalAd3558 · 2024-01-28T08:00:46+00:00

When a woman tells you this she has been thinking about this probably for a few years. It is almost impossible to come back from this state. It is all about the feelings and she is blaming you for how she feels. You doing the pick me dance is counterproductive and she will probably lose even more respect for you. Don’t get me wrong it is a time for self reflection and you should try to be a better man, but for yourself not her. IC might help with that.

Making your wife happy is above your pay grade. That is her job.

My wife and I were very young when we were first married. We both made mistakes. But with her like many other women those mistakes are not ever forgotten and it seems like there is some magic number that once it is reached they become magnified and revised to be made even worse and augmented by problems that her inner circle friends have. There is no coming back from this.

We see it all the time. Walk away wives leave good husbands who are good providers and dads. Ones that are not abusive, not womanizing , not a drunk or addict or gambler. The attributes that first attracted her to you are now a fault. Mentally she is suffering in the relationship which she expects you to fix many times without telling you what it is until it is just too late to change how she now feels about you. At this point the relationship has run its course. Only time and new life experiences can alter that mind set and for someone who is never wrong or who never will admit that they are wrong even that will not affect her.

You need to set goals again and make plans to achieve them, and take the necessary steps to achieve them as well. Once you have a vision again for your life’s journey you will be happier, and usually there will be someone that will want to make that journey with you just maybe not your wife.

I was where you were. In my early 40s, 20+ year marriage and 3 minor kids. I loved my wife too and for all those years she was my best friend also. The loss was emotionally crushing at first. The financial impact was Hugh and I lost most of what I had accumulated during that time.

I also had learned that I had sacrificed myself in so many ways to try to make happy or just keep the peace during that time.

But in the years that followed I was able to rediscover myself and take control of my life again. My life now is much better, less stressful and I have been able to achieve goals that would never would have been possible had we stayed together.

You should consider getting and reading No More Mr Nice Guy.

fives_gw · 2024-01-28T02:58:11+00:00

I was in what sounds like a very similar limbo situation for about a year+ where I was doing everything I could to demonstrate that I'd genuinely changed my behavior to address the issues she raised (some of which absolutely were on my side, and I was putting in tons of self-work in individual therapy to address by own poorly adapted responses to past trauma).

Obviously every person and relationship is unique, so hard to generalize. But in my case she ultimately decided to go ahead with the divorce despite my world-moving effort and a huge amount of undeniable, evidenced progress by me (much of which she even acknowledged, because it was basically impossible to deny). Not only did that hurt a lot given how hard I was trying and how much I actually had changed, but that year itself was absolutely brutal to experience on my side (as I'm sure I don't have to explain to you, OP, or anyone who's been through similar). Just months of pouring my whole self into improvements/changing/addressing her complaints, while she was essentially just explicitly non-committal and (in her own words) "ambivalent" about staying vs going. Refusing to commit to me/our marriage/our family or forgive me for past harms, but also not (yet) definitively saying she was out and putting me out of my goddamn misery. It was brutal. I don't regret trying everything I could, though. At the time, I recognized how shitty and hard (and unfair, really) it was for me to be kept in limbo like that, but I resolved to soldier through it so that -- mostly for the benefit of my kids -- I'd never have any doubt that I did eveything possible to save the kids' unified family experience (and avoid the many other very obvious downsides of divorce -- not least the personal-financial apocalypse -- that have virtually nothing to do with some kind of romantic vision or personal relationship satisfaction that seemed to be, in my view quite selfishly, the only factor my ex wife cared about: how she felt about being in our relationship, and to hell with all the other very real fallout of divorcing, including ripping apart the lives of our own innocent, young children).

Again, everyone's situation is different, but if I had to extrapolate from my own experience with a woman in seemingly a similar posture, I think that there might be a point for some women when they just can't (or won't) get over the wrongs of the past (more likely: their own rewritten narrative that massively over-blames their partner, which they've repeated so many times to themselves and their girlfriends that they genuinely start to believe it), and they just stop loving you the same way because of that. Tough to accept, but (consistent with what other posters here have concluded) I think once they get to that point, no amount of effort or even real change on the husband's part is (usually) enough to flip them back from "off/over the relationship" to "on/in it". And they might even lose more respect for you (thus cementing your fate) when they see the desperate attempts to win them back, honestly, tough as that is.

Like I said, it didn't stop me from trying everything, because my assessment was (correctly I think) that there really was that much at stake (esp for my kids), and there was therefore no amount of indignity I wouldn't personally weather to try to save the marriage. So I certainly won't discourage you from trying that if you see things similarly. But I would say that you should prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for the very real (and I think most likely, once it's already at that stage) possibility that your efforts to save won't make a difference, and might actually seal your fate.

Comfortable-Long-419 · 2024-01-28T00:47:26+00:00

I think the worst part of all this was over Christmas things were perfect. She said she was going to let the past go, and live in the moment, with the new me. It was an amazing month. Found out later she couldn't really let it go. I had opened up so much more like to my core. I had finally opened the gate, that last barrier. Then the reversal happened. That was 2 weeks ago, she reiterated it today. How are men ever supposed to become vulnerable? Seems like anytime I get close to that point something always come along and makes you throw the walls back up.

Pleasant_Position14 · 2024-01-28T00:41:11+00:00

OP, if you want to stay in the marriage, be patient. Be the best version of yourself you can. Regardless of the outcome it will be the best thing you can do for yourself and for your family.

FunnyQuirky3177 · 2024-01-28T00:12:04+00:00

Similar story here. 47M married 21 years separated for 8 months and started the divorce proceedings and it’s not going well. I try to focus on my health, honestly. Made some recent changes like I quit drinking and am being more active to get in better shape

SeminoleTom · 2024-01-28T00:06:27+00:00

Was is limbo for a year- we are divorcing. Are you all still sleeping in the same bedroom? So you do nothing together it sounds very similar to me. You want the marriage to continue? Do all you can to avoid divorce but if limbo leaves you paralyzed, lost & stressed, be prepared to move forward without her. You can’t live like this. But do all you can to save the marriage….I’m sorry man. Hang in there, keep us posted.

My STBXW started believing several of the conspiracies related to Covid since March 2020. It caused us to live in different universes. We are just different now. 22 years of marriage. My failure was arguing and saying ‘hurtful things’ to her because of what she was believing. Hindsight being 20/20 after researching it for years now you don’t argue with a conspiracy theorist. It will just cause them to dig deeper.

NotUsedUsernameYet · 2024-01-27T23:31:49+00:00

Start preparing for divorce. Doesn’t mean you have to file immediately but start your research of possible outcomes for your situation.

JJJflight · 2024-01-27T23:17:46+00:00

experiences. find someone to look after kids and start doing things just you and her. Dinner, a 5 day trip, more help around the house and with kids

Comfortable-Long-419 · 2024-01-27T23:12:32+00:00

No cheating here. Just a lot of immaturity on my end. I made a lot of mistakes, and treated her in ways that were really inconsistent with being there emationally for someone. I loath those things.

Psychological-Point8 · 2024-01-27T23:07:16+00:00

All you can do is be available for her and see if she wants to continue on. It takes two but I'm glad you two are seeking help.

captainchippsixx · 2024-01-27T23:05:08+00:00

You prepare for the worst. You need to start thinking about where you will live. How will you pay for it. Space for the kids. It’s rough. Especially if you cheated.
That is very difficult to deal with, I hung in there along time but always ate at me What she did.

Title	Feeling lost
Author	Comfortable-Long-419
Upvotes	13
Comments	37
Date	January 27, 2024 10:51 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1acnchs/feeling_lost/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/feeling-lost.1243942 https://theredarchive.com/post/1243942

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